Mom has lived with us for 12 years but is now asking to go home so she can take care of her Mom (who died in 85). Advice?

Just tell her that Grandma is out of town, on vacation on a sunny beach somewhere, whereever Grandma would have like. She will be back in a few days, she doesn't have her phone there because of cost. Or you will call her later, she is tired now. Don't stall on the therapeutic lies, doing so will make it become an obsession. She will have a much harder time getting it out of her head.

This is part of the Alzheimer problem. I was told not to tell them a loved one has died. Just puts them thru the grieving problem each time you do it. GladImhere is correct. Just tell her she is not available, etc. She probably will ask on and off. It may not go away.

"It is so nice you want to take care of your mother. I'm glad to be a part of such a loving family. Gramma is doing much better right now and has gone off on a church retreat (bowling tournament/fishing trip/senior bus tour -- whatever fits). Let's check with her in a week or two and see if she needs help then."

In other words, I have the same advice the others have offered. Go along with her concerns and tell her something comforting.

Just go with it and dont hurt her with the truth. My mom cried asking for her mother and husband during that phase. We told her they were on their way, working late. It got so bad we said dad was in the bathroom and she said "oh okay!" she was temporarily fine. Repeat ... she'll be ok but dont scare her with the truth.

I agree, theraputic lie. Mthr was asking about her mom a couple of months ago and it was just a stage. I told her that I thought she had gone to the beauty parlor and then to circle meeting, so it would be late before she got back. Satisfied her.

If you don't like the lying part, soften the truth. She's at her Father's house, she'll be back for you soon. And smile - these are happy thoughts!

It might work to say "Not today, but you will see her one of these days." Toward the end, my MIL was "seeing" her deceased mother and sister."

When my aunt died she was in a Nuring Home at the age of 81 and she kept saying that she had to go take care of her sister because her house burnt down and her sister needed her. (Her sister is my Mom) Thing is My Mother's house never burnt down but HER house did more than 30 YEARS ago!! She died thinking that my cousin (her son) was her husband, than she believed that he was her Father and than right before she died she said that he looked familiar but did not know who he was. This is the end product of a dying brain that is misfiring. The saying that my whole life flashes thru your mind right before you die might be true. Now brain sergeants know that they can touch a spot in the brain and your whole life flashes before you like a movie within a very short period of time . I wonder if this was know in biblical times and that is what the bible means when they talk about your final judgment and works before God. No one really understands the brain. I believe that it is still God's territory.

My mother sometimes forgets she lives with me and plans to go home. She sometimes packs to leave. She regularly invites my cousin to Sunday dinner, but no longer lives close to this cousin (my cousin understands, by the way).

It depends on the day how I respond to some of these things. Sometimes, if I remind her that she lives with me and that her house or whatever piece of furniture she wants to get is gone, she suddenly remembers and is fine. There are times when I can tell her dementia is a little worse and I might put her off, saying that we'll have to do it "later" because I know she'll forget, for the most part.

Sometimes when her dementia is a bit worse, she becomes obsessed with something. I do my best to distract her. If I ask her if she wants the TV or radio on she might respond that she doesn't so I'll sometimes just turn one or the other on and see how it goes. If she becomes really upset, I'll turn it back off, but sometimes doing that works. Sometimes getting out some cookies distracts her.

It really depends on the day what kind of tactic I take. With your Mom, maybe a little trial an error with some of the suggested responses will help you decide how to approach it. Some days, you might just be honest, but if there are days when she's belligerent or stubborn, you might try the "she is with her father" approach, if you like to stay as honest as possible.

Here's another example: my mother was recently in the hospital. It affected her badly. She was disoriented for a couple weeks afterwards. The second night out of the hospital, she and my husband and I are watching TV and she turns to me and demands to know where my brother is.

I was honest - I told her that he lives in another state and doesn't happen to be visiting us, right now. She insisted he'd just been sitting next to her. I was really honest with her - told her she'd been in the hospital and not recovered and had also just been nodding off and probably dreaming. I convinced her to go to bed.

So, sometimes I find brutal honesty shakes her up and convinced her to do something she needs to do, like getting extra sleep, other times she just can't process it. When she can't process the truth, it's not merely that she doesn't believe me, I mean that it just doesn't sink in, period.

But I sympathize. It's a real tightrope kind of thing.

Thank you all for your suggestions and comments regarding my Mom and her wanting to call her Mother. Tonight she insisted on calling her because she feels so badly that she isn't home with her. My grandmother lived with my Mom and Dad their entire marriage and Mom is very worried that there isn't enough food left in the house for Nanny. Mom said that Nanny told her that she was scared to be at home alone. She said that Nanny was never afraid before but now she is. She remembered that I called her the other day and she didn't call back. This is so upsetting for the both of us. The other day she said," I live her with you right? I said yes and then she said how could that be when I live at my house with Nanny? So she remembered that she lives here but forgot that Nanny passed back in 85. I think she is really worried about her. I guess if this keeps up I will have to try and explain that Nanny is in heaven and that she doesn't have to worry about her. By the next day she will forget what I said and we will probably have to go over this again. This is such a terrible disease.

It is a terrible disease. So frightening for your poor mother, and so heartbreaking for you. If, as it sounds, your mother is trying to make sense of things, perhaps it would be better, though painful, to try the explanation and see if at least it stops her being terrified that her mother is alone and without food. It also has the merit of being true, and therefore easier to keep to the same, formulaic story. I'm so sorry you're both having to go through this.