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as i said my mom 90 lives alone in her home her wish she is able to take care of herself, we clean for her groceries laundry doctors appts. call her many times a day just to say hi how are you . undrstand my husband and i have our own business that is all time consuming i am doing the best i can but the worst she can make me feel the happier she seems. i am sad i can't take this abuse of her no more love it is mentaly harming me and my marrige. i almost don't want to see her anymore we yoused to be close.i am58. help

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My initial thought was: my gosh don't move her out if her home! Doing this to my mother-in-law was he beginning of the end for her (she moved in with family.)

I think I agree with the others though. You can't wear yourself out physically or emotionally for her.
Maybe she can hire help a few times a week?
If not assisted living sounds perfect. She really does need to be around people her own age.
Whatever she is going through, it is not your fault and you can't be the entire solution.
The weeks vacation sounds pretty good :)
Good luck!
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wornout, this is not your fault. A lot of older people get grouchy and negative. When asked why they are doing it, they will usually say that they aren't doing it or will talk of how it is everyone else's fault. It probably has more to do with boredom, loneliness, loss of energy, and general aches and pains.

Do you have any siblings? One person can't provide all the attention that an elder can crave. Tell us a bit more about your mother and maybe someone will have an idea.

One thing to remember is that no matter what she says, this is not your fault. You are doing the best you can. There are so many things your mother could be doing to make her life better. It is up to her to do them, though. You can't make her.
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What exactly is she giving you a hard time about? As you say, it's her wish to live in her own home, and you're providing her with lots of help. So what is she complaining about? Loneliness? Does she expect you to spend more time with her?

Instead of feeling bad that you can't make her happy, give yourself credit for everything you do for her. If there is a big shortfall between what she wants and what you can humanly provide, then it's up to her to deal with it. You are not her only option.
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Sounds familiar. She really needs to be in a NH. If she ends up in the ER, stress to the doctor's that she can no longer live alone. My sister died trying to take care of our mother. Take care of yourself. Do not be at her beckon call and most of all, go on a weeks vacation. If your mom cannot function for that long, she is ready to go to full-time care.
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Well, think about it from her side of the fence, she's 90 years old and has lost much of her independence, lost most of her friends, and any siblings if she had any.... I would be grumpy, too.

Too bad she doesn't want to go into independent living so she can be with others of her own generation.... look at all the new friends she can make... but she made her choice to remain in her own home.... thus she has to take the responsibilities that come with that choice.

Maybe the only way you can have your Mom move to independent living, if she is physically capable of moving, is to cut back on the amount of things you do for her.

For you, cleaning two homes and doing laundry for an extra person [especially an elder] is a lot of work, I can barely keep up with my own, so I never started to help my parents with those chores. For grocery shopping, for 6 years I went to the grocery store with Mom's long list, then the next day I went back to the grocery with my own long list... that became too exhausting for me [I, too, am employed]... so now I do on-line grocery once a week, what a life saver that has been for me. And all those doctor appointments, don't you feel like screaming if you see one more waiting room? I'm fixing that with getting doctors who are just around the corner from my parents, so I am not on the road so much.
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If you were alone morning 'til night, you'd be angry too. But if she doesn't want to go into assisted living? Then she's chosen that for herself. How about giving her something to look forward to every week? Hire a babysitter type to give her a manicure every week . . . hubby stops by for lunch once a week. You stop by for dinner once a week. Think of ways she can be "touched" by people -- I don't know...someone stops in to do her laundry WITH her...a babysitter-type comes in once a week to do SOMETHING (visiting with her part of the program)...she's probably lonesome.
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She is angry about being 90. Get her some people her own age to socialize with . Take her to a Halloween party at a nearby ALF. Many have open events for friends and family.
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