Mom is mean to me but not to anyone else. she is so nice to my sister, my husband, everyone but me. She has told me she wished I was never born, wished I was dead and wants me to never call or come around her again. I am the one who takes her to the dr or anywhere else she needs to go since everyone else is working. She is nice to me while we are around others but when alone in the car, she treats me horrible. screaming at me that she hates me and such. its sooo stressful to have to take her some where by myself. I have actually paid the neighbors kid to ride with me to the take her to the dr. but there isnt someone free to go with me every time she has to go somewhere. I know this is not my mom talking but its really hard when she tells everyone else she loves them and when I try to kiss her bye, she pushes me away and tells me to go to h*ll. she has hit me several times but never raises her hand to anyone else. any suggestions ?
When one is dealing with dementia and/or narcissism we cannot be too careful. We must protect ourselves as well as the elder. Sometimes this is not possible and you must place your own safety first. I have been my mother's whipping post for many years but I will not die or go to prison to placate her. There are times when I believe she would dance on my grave if given the opportunity. You must decide for yourself what you will subject yourself to and to what degree, but I cannot stress enough to document everything as her accusations may escalate.
In my case, I am the only daughter, with three younger brothers. My 93 year old mother has the sort of dementia that recognizes people and situations and places. However she fashions reality to her liking. For example, she is convinced that one of my brothers used to live with her year-round when the truth is that he only spent a part of each winter with her (but the nature of his current work has made that impossible now). She has made a shambles of her finances, but when you try to get any information out of her she goes into shut-down mode, not having a clue what you are talking about. Through all of her fantasies, she acts as if everyone else has a screw loose and she is the only rational individual!
It is difficult for me to look at our relationship objectively. I didn't really notice that Mom was particularly negative with me (since she doesn't take advice from ANYBODY, including doctors), but my sister-in-law commented that she was shocked at how disrespectfully Mom treated me. She is not abusive but somewhat disdainful and argumentative with me while smiling sweetly and conversing amicably with others. However, every time I spend a couple of months with my mother, in the last week of my visit, when she realizes that I will be leaving soon and she will have to go and stay with my neurotic, dysfunctional Baby Bro until another brother can take over, she suddenly becomes sweet and cooperative, expressing how she wishes I could stay longer.
In other words, while the dementia may be bringing out a lot of irrational and bizarre behavior, she is crazy like a fox. I've said this before: The person with dementia might SEEM like a completely different person, but like a drunk with lowered inhibitions, certain underlying characteristics that are part of that person are more freely expressed. We all have a "dark side" and dementia unfortunately often reveals that side of our personalities.
Littlejo and Suezq32, I agree with others who have advised you to cover your derriere as to legal and financial issues, do what you can to remove yourself from the crosshairs (not the same as abandonment), and actively live a full life outside of the artificial confines your parent has constructed for you.
Has your mother been diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimer's? If so, this may be why she is behaving the way she is towards you. You cannot reason with a person who has this disease, so please, do not take to heart anything she says/does to you. My mother became mean to me too as her dementia progressed, just overlook it, keep reminding yourself that it's not her, but the disease (talking/behaving) like that. Don't take her anywhere without a family member with you...make appointments, etc... on their days off of work. Get some help from other family members so they can eventually see her in this "mean" state of mind. Sorry you are going through this, it is difficult I know, but she needs a lot of tlc.
I have a similar situation with my mother. I live in Florida and my parents live in Maryland. My mother treats my father horribly. (hitting, cussing, telling him she hates him, even pulled a knife on him) She behaves this way toward him in front of family members and the public. She is so sweet to everyone else around her. People think she is so kind and giving. I have 8 other siblings that take turns checking on her and giving my father a break. I fly up there every other month to help out. You need a support team. Check with people at your church, neighbors, other family members. Paying the neighbor to ride along is a start. You will not change her, but you can change your situation somewhat. Find a few people who you can share what you are going thru, journaling, etc. Do you have siblings? I am the only one who does not work. The 8 other siblings and I stay in contact with group skyping and emailing. We discuss the situation and what needs to be tried. My siblings take vacation time to give my father a break, take turns driving her to the doctors, take her for weekend visits at their home, etc. This will NOT last forever and the siblings need to give of their time and themselves so that all the responsibility does not fall on one person. When she is gone, they will be glad they helped her out in the end. I pray for you right now that God will give you the strength and peace of mind to keep going. It is not easy and may be the most difficult thing you have ever done in your life. The words spoken are the disease. You need to practice telling yourself the truth. You are giving, loving, sacrificing, patient, etc. Say this out loud to yourself. Words hurt, especially from a parent, but this is not your parent speaking. It is the frustration from the disease and the only way they know how to expel this frustration is through blaming someone or something.
1- learn to separate your heart from her emotionally.Realize that you don't really need to have her like/love you to care for her. (that's empowering and challenging)
You are lovable and perfect just as you are. Look around you and see that you don't need her approval. You are good. You are loved. You have many people to support that.
2- Remove yourself from the position. Someone else can and will have to do it. Then don't feel guilty. You have a good heart, you don't deserve it stomped on. especially by a parent. Dementia or not, the words hurt and if you can't become numb to them, resign the position to someone else.
There have been some awful stories of "friends" taking advantage of the elder's confusion about who REALLY has their back, and getting guardianships and/or POAs for the purpose of wiping the person out financially while legally preventing loved ones from intervening - and it can be a huge battle to get bad decisions reversed, and not always won. Your children are right. Get the guardianship. The friend is either ill informed about dementia, or up to no good, or both. If you get the guardianship, then friend and can be involved if they want to be, but on YOUR terms, not theirs. And, Alzheimer dementia is much more likely to leave the person not recognizing familiar people, this may never occur or occur only very late in people with other types, particularly vascular, FTD, or Lewy body.
Other people think that my mother is a jewel. If I am around her more than 2 days, she becomes hateful. (I live in another state.) So, my take on it is that she doesn't want me there.
Read Caring For My Difficult Older Parent. It was right on, for me.
Set boundaries and limit your contact with her. I understand that she has dementia, but in the end, it is you that she is physical with.
Avoid being alone with her if at all possible.
She can't help this behavior. Reasoning with her will change nothing. Allowing her to abuse you emotionally and physically is not doing her any good, either.
I especially agree with vstefans counsel on this matter.
You don't necessarily walk away and throw them under the bus, but you do delegate any care possible to others with whom they are not abusive, and you cannot let them abuse minor children or grandchildren of course. It is very sad and there may not be a fix for it if the reasoning ability is too far gone and they cannot be shown or convinced, perhaps by a trusted third party like a pastor, that the reasons they have for hating on you are not valid.
If APS complaints are going to happen on the basis of the paranoia and delusions, good documentation and avoiding being alone with them is probably necessary for your protection. APS folks should be reasonably savvy, but friends and lay people who have not been through this sort of thing, or only know Alzhemier type dementia may believe that a person who recognizes familiar people and can converse a little is "sharp as a tack."
Wish this was easier or at least solvable somehow, and my prayers are with you that you can find good care and any help possible for Mom and peace for yourself!
Some counseling may help you, but first you have to let go.
1.
Create a good sounding board for yourself to give your life some needed perspective. It is important that you do this as writing and not by talking to someone. That comes later in the process. Start a journal or a blog but make sure it is not going to be read by your mother. The objective is to heal yourself, become stronger and remove toxic behavior from your life, not hurt your mother.
2.
Think very hard and make detailed lists regarding your mother. Why is she so unhappy? What were her parents/family life like? What are her frustrations or failed dreams for herself? How can you avoid falling into a pattern to not become like her? What are her expectations for herself and you? Your siblings? What are your expectations from her and your own behavior?
3.
Start to distance yourself-this is the hardest part but you absolutely need to do this step. Imagine you are from another planet and you are observing her dialogue and patterns of destructive behavior. What are her triggers? How do you respond to her outbursts or her drama? Write this all down in your journal. Start with your behavior towards her. Write down pieces of any emotional conversation and look at it. Are you feeding her behavior in any way or adding fuel to the fire. If you are then stop immediately.
4.
Understand that for your mother to strike out at you or favor one sibling over another has to do with her short comings as a person. She might be aware or oblivious to how she is being so damaging. Emotional behavior is the hardest to change but you can become less involved and more objective. It will make you stronger.
5..
Protect yourself. For six months be only the observer not caught up in the drama. She will notice a change in you and may increase her attacks. Stay calm, observe and keep writing.
6.
Reflect on whether it is healthy to keep a relationship with her. Some people are so toxic and damaging to be around that they will try to destroy you. If this is the case-leave the relationship and not talk/visit her for an allotted amount of time. Write her a letter and tell her you need some space but will contact her when the time is right. The time might never be right but you saved yourself.
7.
Believe that being a adult child of a unhappy person is very hard and give yourself the room to be happy and create a life. Start one step at a time becoming more independent. In the long run, what your mother thinks of you is NOT who you are. Her distorted opinion of you or your siblings don't count much if you can understand how hurtful and destructive it is. Your job is not to make her happy. That does not make you a "bad, selfish, etc" person but a healthy one.
8.
Avoid the trap of guilt. It is the number one reason people stay in destructive relationships. You are responsible for yourself not her.
Please note, the above was given to me above, and it was not regarding my mother, but I just typed in as if mother was the issue. I do recall that you have a sister, and put in a bit about "sister", but this is the best way to start to deal with things.
First and foremost, IT IS NOT YOU. You are not the cause of anything.
You are the cause of walking in the room at the wrong time (for her, not you).
You are the cause of her talking, yelling, because you did not hang up the phone, when she started in. (That is tough).
I get it, I am giving you, as I feel it has work much better in quantity a blanket of situations, since when most people post here, they are either hurting, and sometimes leave out situations. If they pertain to your situation, use them, and certainly if you have more questions, please send me a confidential mail, and I would be happy to talk with you.
All the best
"Life is a journey, not a race"