Mom is mean to me but not to anyone else. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Mom is mean to me but not to anyone else. Any advice?

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Mom is mean to me but not to anyone else. she is so nice to my sister, my husband, everyone but me. She has told me she wished I was never born, wished I was dead and wants me to never call or come around her again. I am the one who takes her to the dr or anywhere else she needs to go since everyone else is working. She is nice to me while we are around others but when alone in the car, she treats me horrible. screaming at me that she hates me and such. its sooo stressful to have to take her some where by myself. I have actually paid the neighbors kid to ride with me to the take her to the dr. but there isnt someone free to go with me every time she has to go somewhere. I know this is not my mom talking but its really hard when she tells everyone else she loves them and when I try to kiss her bye, she pushes me away and tells me to go to h*ll. she has hit me several times but never raises her hand to anyone else. any suggestions ?

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Someone else might kick her ___ to the curb, so she doesn't try it with them. You, on the other hand, won't fight back. Tell her how you feel. Then move on with the rest of your life somewhere else. Don't take that kind of abuse any longer.
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Unfortunately it isn't uncommon for the parent to be sweet and nice to strangers and difficult to family, especially daughters. My Mom is like that.
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Wow.what a mean mom.
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You may wish to invest in a cheap camcorder and an external storage hard drive for documentation. After someone at my mom's facility called APS I felt threatened / feared for my own legal safety and began documenting each visit with her. Under intense scrutiny, I also stopped touching her other than to check her blood sugar and redress wounds. Subsequently the people I hired to give her showers failed to do so and mom got a severe UTI which had her in and out of the hospital for two months. I had to move her to a more intense care facility and things are better care-wise but worse regarding her health now.
When one is dealing with dementia and/or narcissism we cannot be too careful. We must protect ourselves as well as the elder. Sometimes this is not possible and you must place your own safety first. I have been my mother's whipping post for many years but I will not die or go to prison to placate her. There are times when I believe she would dance on my grave if given the opportunity. You must decide for yourself what you will subject yourself to and to what degree, but I cannot stress enough to document everything as her accusations may escalate.
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sandra, very very good point for her to read. I agree.
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dejavuagain, GREAT above post. Looking at my parents I can see the dark side that you are talking about. I am also going to check out the movie. Thanks!!
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One thing to consider is how long and to what degree the verbal and/or physical abuse has been occurring. Was it always a problem, but to a much lesser degree, or has this only surfaced with the onset of dementia? Part of the dynamics in family affairs is the gender and birth position. Mother/daughter relationships have their own peculiar dynamic. [Off-topic: For a look at a REALLY screwed up mother/daughter relationship watch the movie "Like Water for Chocolate." It's a fascinating story with a touch of the supernatural.]

In my case, I am the only daughter, with three younger brothers. My 93 year old mother has the sort of dementia that recognizes people and situations and places. However she fashions reality to her liking. For example, she is convinced that one of my brothers used to live with her year-round when the truth is that he only spent a part of each winter with her (but the nature of his current work has made that impossible now). She has made a shambles of her finances, but when you try to get any information out of her she goes into shut-down mode, not having a clue what you are talking about. Through all of her fantasies, she acts as if everyone else has a screw loose and she is the only rational individual!

It is difficult for me to look at our relationship objectively. I didn't really notice that Mom was particularly negative with me (since she doesn't take advice from ANYBODY, including doctors), but my sister-in-law commented that she was shocked at how disrespectfully Mom treated me. She is not abusive but somewhat disdainful and argumentative with me while smiling sweetly and conversing amicably with others. However, every time I spend a couple of months with my mother, in the last week of my visit, when she realizes that I will be leaving soon and she will have to go and stay with my neurotic, dysfunctional Baby Bro until another brother can take over, she suddenly becomes sweet and cooperative, expressing how she wishes I could stay longer.

In other words, while the dementia may be bringing out a lot of irrational and bizarre behavior, she is crazy like a fox. I've said this before: The person with dementia might SEEM like a completely different person, but like a drunk with lowered inhibitions, certain underlying characteristics that are part of that person are more freely expressed. We all have a "dark side" and dementia unfortunately often reveals that side of our personalities.

Littlejo and Suezq32, I agree with others who have advised you to cover your derriere as to legal and financial issues, do what you can to remove yourself from the crosshairs (not the same as abandonment), and actively live a full life outside of the artificial confines your parent has constructed for you.
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littlejo,
Has your mother been diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimer's? If so, this may be why she is behaving the way she is towards you. You cannot reason with a person who has this disease, so please, do not take to heart anything she says/does to you. My mother became mean to me too as her dementia progressed, just overlook it, keep reminding yourself that it's not her, but the disease (talking/behaving) like that. Don't take her anywhere without a family member with you...make appointments, etc... on their days off of work. Get some help from other family members so they can eventually see her in this "mean" state of mind. Sorry you are going through this, it is difficult I know, but she needs a lot of tlc.
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Wow this post got seriously hijacked. Littlejo, if you are still reading… somewhat similar situation for me, except that there is no "everyone else" sibce for a couple of years I am virtually the only human my mother has contact with. Same deal with the hitting, tgat I ruined her life, that she was constipated one day and had me, etc. It is not just the dementia since she has acted that was all my 55 years. Since she can act rational if she wants police and APS say she is fine… even one time I was bleeding from the abuse they said it was fine. So. My approach has been to realize that like others here a need may come for me to finally walk away from this, and I keep documentation to back me up legally so it will not be taken as abandonment. When she is going into hate filled hysterics, I keep a wary eye on her but also on myself. It is possible to listen to such things and not get snagged and swept away by it. In fact one of my time to get outta here triggers is if I start yelling back or even engaging the bickering at all. I just don't say anything. When she tries to hit me I just quietly face her and hold my arm out so sge cannot approach. It gets pretty bad, but I have noticed that if I stay calm and alert, when the hysteria subsides I feel emotionally unscathed. As far as what you said about you trying to show affection…. When my mother does calm down, sometimes I will think of that as home base for her, and will do something real simple, like just place my hand on her head or shoulder and say goodnight. I also try to keep a perspective… learn from this and work on not eventually becoming the subject on a message board like this someday ;)
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LittleJo,
I have a similar situation with my mother. I live in Florida and my parents live in Maryland. My mother treats my father horribly. (hitting, cussing, telling him she hates him, even pulled a knife on him) She behaves this way toward him in front of family members and the public. She is so sweet to everyone else around her. People think she is so kind and giving. I have 8 other siblings that take turns checking on her and giving my father a break. I fly up there every other month to help out. You need a support team. Check with people at your church, neighbors, other family members. Paying the neighbor to ride along is a start. You will not change her, but you can change your situation somewhat. Find a few people who you can share what you are going thru, journaling, etc. Do you have siblings? I am the only one who does not work. The 8 other siblings and I stay in contact with group skyping and emailing. We discuss the situation and what needs to be tried. My siblings take vacation time to give my father a break, take turns driving her to the doctors, take her for weekend visits at their home, etc. This will NOT last forever and the siblings need to give of their time and themselves so that all the responsibility does not fall on one person. When she is gone, they will be glad they helped her out in the end. I pray for you right now that God will give you the strength and peace of mind to keep going. It is not easy and may be the most difficult thing you have ever done in your life. The words spoken are the disease. You need to practice telling yourself the truth. You are giving, loving, sacrificing, patient, etc. Say this out loud to yourself. Words hurt, especially from a parent, but this is not your parent speaking. It is the frustration from the disease and the only way they know how to expel this frustration is through blaming someone or something.
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