Mom is mean & getting meaner! Any tips?


Help! My mom has always been mean, nasty & narcissistic her whole life, but now, at 91, she's over the top. She is saying horrible things about my dad who passed away 3 years ago, and insinuating that he 'did' something to her to make her hate him for their entire 68 year marriage. She's chomping at the bit to tell me some horrid little secret, and it's only a matter of time before she blurts it out 'by accident'. It's gotten to the point where I can't stand calling her or going over to the ALF where she lives. She's threatening to jump out windows and saying she wants to die, etc, almost continuously now. Does this go along with dementia, or this something entirely different? Do you have a mom like mine and care to share your tips & tricks? Thanks in advance.

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My mom was getting mean and I had her seen by a psychiatrist and he put her on depakote for behavior..she’s has her moments now but mostly gentle as a kitten ,,,you need to have her checked for a UTI ...keep us posted hugs to you and your mom
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to ohmeowzer

My mil has said some awful things and I just have to take it with a grain of salt.

I'm sorry I couldn't give you any advice and I am so sorry you are going through this. It's an awful, AWFUL, disease!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Lostinthemix

I’ve heard people say that if someone was mean and narcissistic their whole life then it becomes more obvious and pronounced as they age. They come out of their shell, so to speak.
Sounds like your mom is just acting her ‘normal’ self, only amplified.
And age-related depression is common. She’s remembering the past and focusing on the negative memories.
Try and stay positive with her during visits or phone calls and leave when she starts into a negative pattern. No sense hanging around for that and giving her an audience.
Sorry to hear, best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Gbprincess

She just had a physical with full blood work and urine. .....she's perfectly physically healthy. Sigh.
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Reply to lealonnie1

Agreed. They may be able to do the test there, too. They used to test my mom monthly at her facility more out of self-defense than anything. She became combative with a UTI.

I can also say that visiting my mom in the nursing home was an education for me, as well. In the three years she was there, I learned my grandfather committed suicide and did not die of a heart attack as I’d believed for 50 years. I learned she either had an affair with her boss or she was sexually molested by him ( they were both married at the time). I heard about visits she had with her doctor and told her doctor how much she hated sex with my dad. Sex was her obsession. I often felt like taking a shower when I got back home. Once, when I’d had enough I told her, “Mom, be a lady. Ladies don’t talk like that!” It worked. The aides also helped me handle her when they saw me come out of her room pale as a ghost.

People with dementia lose their inhibitions. Whatever they were pre-dementia seems to become magnified as it progresses. But, like me, you are perfectly within your rights to shut her down. Even put your hands over your ears if you need to. I did. You dont have to sit there and take it. I always cut visits short when Mom was in a pornographic mood. It helped me maintain my sanity and cut down on the nightmares.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Ahmijoy

lealonnie, time to have your Mom checked to see if she has an Urinary Tract Infection. Such an infection in an older person can cause that person to act out and not be user friendly at all. The test can be done at Mom's primary doctor's office or at an urgent care.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to freqflyer