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I live with my 84 year old mother who has always been narcissistic and spiteful, but since a fall 6 weeks ago, and 2 trips to the hospital, she is giving me h***. Accusing me of "taking her pain pills", "ripping off the rest of the pills that were in the blister pack that came home with her from the SNF". She's trying to manipulate everyone around me, by telling me "she doesn't trust her caregiver, and what should she do??" She has a financial advisor who has made it clear there is nothing amiss, she lives in HUD housing, and I am her live in caregiver. If she fires me I have 3 days to leave. I just got hired on a new job, so I am in no position to move right now.. she's mad because I still speak to my siblings who won't speak to her. HELP!!

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Rebecca, are you describing your mom or mine? lol

I honestly considered getting some weed, making brownies and giving her one. Of course I didn't do that, at that point I would have wanted a doc's note because I wasn't sure if weed would or could cause her harm with all of her medical/mental issues, but yeah, had I thought for one minute when she was younger and still of sound mind, that she'd smoke some...I offered back in the day, she refused, more fool her, I'd have RUN to get it myself, legal or not, if that's what it took to get some peace from all that craziness and when she got old, if the doc gave the go ahead... Wonderful! lol Ahhhh, nice and quiet...
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I would ask the doctor about medical marijuana .. seriously. My mother is also a narcissist and although I have sacrificed everything .. literally everything.. to take care of her, she verbally abuses me and I am constantly feeling sick to my stomach. Around Dr's, etc she puts on the "poor little old me" personna. And sometimes she will suck me in by saying something nice .. just long enough for me to start feeling bad .. then she spits me out again and begins another venomous attack on my sanity. If my mother would use medical marijuana, I'd get it for her in a second !! Legally or not ..
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Katniss, honestly, had my mom been willing to smoke grass I would have FOUND it for her and gotten it myself if it would have chilled her out and shut her up. H***, if I could have found it for MYSELF I would have been blazing every single day to chill myself out and avoid her mouth. If I could find some NOW I'd smoke in a skinny second. If your mom wants weed, get that card FOR her and let her smoke to her hearts content. The government provides the REAL good stuff. You won't have to worry about her being mean anymore. Promise. lol
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Katniss talk to the social worker and if possible, your mom's doctor(s). It sounds to me like she may also have some depression going on, which given her recent medical condition would be understandable. If you can get her feeling better (is she in pain?) she might treat you a bit better.

I'd also NOT engage when she starts saying dumb stuff to you. If she says you're an alcoholic, don't try to argue or dispute it, just walk away. If she wants to engage with you, she has to treat you with respect. Otherwise, you'll leave the room or just not talk to her. Every time you "play the game" with her, you're encouraging her to push your buttons because she knows she'll get a reaction out of you. It's a sick way to get attention, but at this point, evidently that's they only way she knows to behave. It's really pretty pitiful when you think about it.
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You are strong. I have a mother with narcissistic personality disorder also and it is HARD! What is so frustrating is how sweet she can be to outsiders (as long as she is getting what she wants from them) and how nasty a narcissistic mom can be to her adult child. Sounds like mom might also have a chemical dependency with the pain meds and that may be why she's putting the focus on your "drinking" - it takes the focus off of her behavior. A good place to start is a book entitled "You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother". There are no great answers in the book, but it will prove once and for all that you're not the crazy one. I hope your new job allows you some freedom and the opportunity to get outside help for your mom. You're staying to keep her safe. If you leave and find someone else to be with her, you are still a good daughter and you are still taking good care of her. (now if I could just listen to that advise for myself LOL) Good luck to you.
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Hopefully you'll get the social worker to visit her and see the depth of her dysfunction. Maybe she can get her hospitalized for evaluation, and that should include a neuro-psych exam. You are making the right moves, getting help before something bizarre happens and you get the blame.
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Gosh, thank you for the responses. I feel a lot better, but I spend most of my day sick to my stomach. She calls me an "alcoholic" because I drink wine now and then (certainly not around her... I'm 61 years old... )and when I say, mom I haven't had any alcohol for at least 3 weeks, she says, "well, who's counting? You're a dry drunk". She has all the lingo of a 12-step program. One of the worst things, is that I won't go get marijuiana for her. I told her to talk to her doctor and get a card and do it right. She has burnt all of her friends out, and now that she doesn't have any, she is meaner than a snake. I will go to the social worker tomorrow to see what my options are. Today, she said, "just go away, I'm not your mother anymore, not to you OR your siblings, I'm just an old lady waiting to die". I told her that was sick; well, she went off on how she's not crazy, blah, blah. Should I get her a Mental Health Evaluation? and how do I do it?
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it's tough switching rolls. but now you are the parent. i had difficulty with this when taking care of my father. he lived with me. he passed away last month at 94. the most difficult phase of my life. God bless you. stay calm, and pray a lot. this whole experience made me a more spiritual person. no one cares about you and your mom more than God. He will give you strength
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great reply blannie. its often said that respect must be earned but sometimes you can earn that respect by standing up for yourself. balance of power is indeed a delicate thing, imo.
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I'm confused...when your mom says she doesn't trust her caregiver, is she talking about you or another caregiver? If she's talking about you, I'd just call her bluff. What can she do? She's in bad physical shape and you're the only child who's willing to help her. If she kicks you out, who would take care of her? I assume she'd have to pay anyone else more.

I'd say stand your ground and when she starts going off on you, leave the room. Tell her you'll come back when she's in a better mood or calmed down or treating you respectfully. Do you have any friends you could stay with if she does "fire" you? I doubt she'll really do that, as she NEEDS you. You just need to rebalance the power in the relationship by not taking her guff. Stand your ground respectfully, but don't subject yourself to verbal abuse.
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Whoa, she's not the one letting you live there, HUD is. So you talk to your social worker about your predicament of living with a delusional mother with a painkiller addiction. Protect yourself by being the first one to seek help.
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