I don't want to be my Mother's answer to loneliness. Is anyone else go through this kind of thing?

My thoughts are along the same lines as Countrymouse. People with dementia cannot safely live alone beyond the earliest stage. We extended the time my mom could stay in her apartment by bringing in help -- housecleaning, laundry, meals on wheels, visiting nurse. (And we continued visiting, grocery shopping, etc.) But eventually that was not enough. She simply could not live alone.

Your mom has been independent for 30 years. Yay! Celebrate that "stubbornness" -- many widows/widowers start becoming dependent of their children almost immediately. Bless your mother for not doing that to you. But now she has a devastating, terminal, chronic condition. Her brain is damaged. She can't help needing to depend on someone now.

She is not capable of making decisions in her own best interests. That task falls on you. Sooner or later (probably sooner) she is going to be completely unable to live on her own. You need to prepare for that day. If you have siblings, it would ideal if you can all participate.

The real challenge is that most people with dementia lose the ability to make good decisions long before they meet the criteria for "incompetence" in the legal sense. In order to force her into a safe environment you would need to be her guardian, but your cannot become her guardian if she is not legally "incompetent."

So, start looking for a good environment for her, and start thinking of how you might persuade her to move into it.

I am very sorry for your situation. Please do not "pull away" from her. You do need to protect your own interests and not to get sucked into doing more than you can reasonably do. But she needs someone to make good decisions for her, to save her from the stubborn independence that once was a positive attribute, and help her feel valued and loved.

I lived with my husband's dementia for 10 years. My mother now has dementia. I have some personal experience with what dementia is like. I wonder how my own kids will deal with me if I ever get dementia? I sincerely would not want them to put there own lives on hold for me. I've told them that now, but who knows what I would say if my brain were damaged? But I also sincerely hope they never stop loving me and trying to look out for my best interests. I hope they never pull away.

SherylBeth, are you certain that your mother has Alzheimer's Disease? If so, loneliness won't be the major issue for long - I get the impression that your mother is living alone? That will soon become actually dangerous. You're going to need to find somewhere safe for her to live, because she won't be able to be on her own once the disease progresses. She won't do it, so you'd better find out what the options are. Best of luck, please let us know what's going on.

SherylBeth, welcome to my world. If I stay away I feel guilty, If I go I'm resentful. My mother has slowly lost most of her friends, and only accepts help and meals from me. Add to that, she was often a mean mom to me. I am drained and hoping to find a happy medium. I take all of her meals to her, drive her to her appointments, etc. My wish is she will go to a facility that can properly care for her. My fear is that this could go on for years.

SherylBeth, I think I need to retract my earlier answer. I was assuming you were dealing with a narcissistic mother, and that doesn’t seem to be the case. Someone with narcissism has no respect for you as a separate individual, and will take over your life (dementia or not) without a second thought, and so distance is sometimes the only way to deal with it. In your case, your mother has dementia and is lonely. So that’s different, and I think I jumped the gun because of my own situation. It’s commendable what you are doing to try to maintain balance, as you said, and recognizing your limitations while trying to help your mom. Best of luck to you, I hope you are able to get suggestions that provide relief for your situation.

My grandmother lived in town and was constantly on the go with seniors gatherings, women's clubs and visitors, but she often felt lonely. I think she was missing the close companionship that she had had with my grandfather, that feeling that at the end of the day she was alone. Unfortunately that is a loneliness all the company in the world could only distract her from, not alleviate.

Because she lived in the country my mother was basically housebound for many years after she lost her eyesight and couldn't drive. Thankfully she developed a network of telephone friends, and she also had a caregiver that came once a week. She never complained of loneliness but looking back now I'm surprised she didn't go out of her mind with the isolation. I often think her quality of life would have been so much better if she had left the farm and moved to a retirement complex, but she was reluctant to make a change and we were all busy living our own lives and content to maintain the status quo.
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Yes mom was diagnosed a year ago when it became clear that her short term memory issues were progressing significantly. I take care of my 2 grandchildren during the week which gives me some additional financial help with my pension. I will, of course, do whatever i can to keep mom in her home for as long as possible since she refuses to live anywhere else right now. Whenever it becomes clear that its no longer safe, i have already looked into facilities nearby which also have a memory care unit and found one i like. She would do better to move now for the social aspect, but as long as i know shes eating and maintaining her hygiene, shes ok to stay at her home if thats what she insists on doing for now. I havent pulled away from her...im trying to manage my own life and still be there for her as much as i can with a balance. For those who live with someone with dementia 24/7, i applaud you and respect you. I know i cannot do it and maintain my own sanity and health. If that causes someone to look down on me, then so be it. I am willing to recognize and admit my own limitations, since i did live with her for about 6 months and was able to see how difficult it was even at the beginning stage. I would never abandon her...i am all she has since my oldest sister passed 10 yrs ago and my middle sister is terminally ill now. But if she had her way, i would be there multiple times a week so she would be less lonely, and thats not something i can do. Her brain is damaged, yes....but her decision to stay at her home and be lonely is not something i can change. She wont allow a visiting companion and she doesnt want to go anywhere or do anything because shes embarassed about being on a walker. So my hands are tied.

Now, before you get any further into the quagmire, find her a place to go. If I had it to do over, I never would or should have moved my mother in with me. Our issues go way back, but for the last 10 years, she has refused to pursue any social activity that didn't involve me. How I wish I had made clearer boundaries from the beginning. Do what you have to do to keep yourself sane, else you'll be so burnt out that you won't even be able to be nice to her from the resentment you feel. Put on your own oxygen mask first, they say....

I'm guessing my answer won't be popular but I would be grateful for the time with my mother. She isn't going to be around much longer. How many years do our parents spend raising us? I feel I owe it to my parents to take care of them now and I'm glad to do it. I only wish I could do more. I want to move them in with us but my home isn't big enough or suitable for senior citizens. I worked in a nursing home. I hope I never renege on my vow to never put my parents in a nursing home. My parents live 30 min away and my mom is approx in the mid stages of dementia. I can't imagine the mental anguish she endured upon learning she had alzheimers. I drive there almost every day or evening to spend time with them and occasionally spend the night. Yes it's inconvenient but I couldn't not do what I do.

SherylBeth, does your mother like to be read to? Even if she can't fully follow the plot she may enjoy your voice and the attention, and that would relieve the need to have a one-sided conversation. Many children's books are very engaging for adults, too.

Yes, many of our answers and opinions here are influenced by our current situations and challenges. When this started for me 3 years ago I was so eager to make everything perfect for my folks whom I adore. Now guys, I'm so exhausted and lost somedays, I may sound bitter to some of you, wiser to others. Today I took mom out and I have to admit I enjoyed myself. Some days surprise you like that!