I am sorry that you think you have any say about where she lives if it is not your house.
It isn't working for everyone at the home of your brother and his wife, their home, not yours and not your mom's, so that means it is not working and that she, mom, needs a different living arrangement.
You don't want her to go to a facility, then you need to bring her to your home.
I know that is not what you want to hear but, it is the truth. If it isn't working for everyone, it isn't working.
I love this answer! My mother in law is a widow and as much as a I care for her and do my best to get along or be cordial, she just isn't fond of me and I knew this before marrying, she doesn't have to like me but we do have to treat one another with respect and dignity, she has gotten better. I discussed with my husband before we married this exact scenario and we agreed that we would help in any way that we can with any of our parents and would be willing perhaps one a month a year for her to come stay with us to give his sisters respite but beyond that her living with us would not be an option, MIL has two daughters that have their own homes as well!
So many people attach such a stigma to the word 'home' as if it's a house of horrors that no human should ever be subjected to! Your mother is living with your brother and his wife, which is causing problems between them, yet you don't want to 'put her in a home' so it's okay that she destroys THEIR lives instead?
My mother begrudgingly took in her mother when I was growing up. They were oil and water, the two of them, and our house was so thick with tension, you could cut it with a knife. As a result of all the friction between my mother & her mother, my childhood was ruined, and THEIR lives were ruined in the process. All for what? Avoidance of 'putting her in a home' and guess what happened? After my mother finally said ENOUGH and shipped grandma off to another sister's house, sister said Oh No, and placed grandma into a Skilled Nursing Facility immediately, where she proceeded to live happily ever after for the next bunch of years.
My own mother is 94 and has been living in a beautiful Assisted Living 'home' since 2014. The AL looks more like a nice hotel than anything else and her room is like a 4 star suite. Nobody's life is ruined in the process of her living in the AL, and she has a team of caregivers looking after her every need 24/7.
You might want to ditch the stigma you've placed on managed care for seniors now and tell your brother to start looking into placement for mom. Either that, or have her move in with YOU.
Your brother and wife relationship comes first. If you don't wish Mom to go into a home do consider taking on her care yourself. Would that be an option? Clearly it isn't working for brother and wife. Some things just don't have an answer in which all parties can remain satisfied.
After my dad died, my brother and husband thought it'd be a great idea if my husband and I gave up our home (Rent it! Make money!!) and moved in with Mom. I'd just finished two months of living with my folks caring for them as my dad was dying, and my mother was the majority of the work.
I put the kibosh on that idea right out the gate. Mom was moved to a SNF for a while, then to a memory care place closer to me, because I was driving 90 minutes (minimum -- it's L.A.) each way twice a week to visit her and keep an eye on her.
Once she was moved to the MC, she was doing things she hadn't done in years (moving around, socializing), and her overall health improved drastically. It was the best thing we did, because under my inexpert care, she'd have been dead and I'd have been divorced.
The people who work in nursing homes are trained, and that's a hugely important thing. They know how to handle everything from incontinence to wound care, and they have the benefit of multiple people around to keep an eye on your mom throughout the day. Their skills should not be discounted.
You've taken one of the most viable options off the table without even looking into it, and that isn't wise. Your brother and his wife deserve better.
I understand you nor your family not wanting to put mom in a nursing facility, but since you can't help out (according to your profile)and you have no one else to step up to help, is it really worth keeping her out of one at the expense of your brothers marriage? That really is incredibly selfish you know? Most people don't want to put their LO in a facility, but sometimes that is the best answer for all involved. It's no longer just about your mom now, your brother and wife have to do what's now best for them and their marriage. They deserve to have a happy marriage, and your mom deserves to be around people her own age, with whom she can socialize and who knows, even thrive. Wishing you the best.
Please don’t let your brother sacrifice his own well being and marriage. While you don’t provide the care yourself it’s a very bitter pill for you to expect someone else to do it and ruin their relationship in the process
There will come time when no one will be able to care for Mom. Her Dementia will worsen and need care that your SIL and brother can't give. Shop around. The minute I walked into my Moms NH I knew thats where she needed to be. They were so good to her. Clean all the time.
I wish with all my heart we could have had mother placed in a SNF about 10 years ago. She's quite social and would have LOVED people to talk to all day. As it is, she has been in 100% lockdown for the last year and YB (with whom she lives) is NOT doing the care he promised the rest of us sibs he would do---since the 'vote' to keep mom in his home was 4-1 AGAINST doing it.
Now she has nothing to live for. YB completely controls her and hasn't even bothered to get her COVID shots--and she won't let anyone else 'help her' with this. She goes out one day a week to the grocery store and sits in the car with a mask on while YB shops. That's all she does all week. So sad.
If she had moved to the ALF we chose 10 years ago, she'd have a lot more visitors (as a family, we are not comfortable going to YB's to see mom. Sometimes YB just won't let us in and we don't feel welcome.)
When she has been in rehab (after surgery and a couple of falls) she loved it--made new friends and had things to DO.
Sure, there are people who 'dump' LO's in rest homes and are never seen again---but you have to weigh the options. My YB's marriage is rocky and it's all due to mother living with them for the past 26 years. Poor SIL--she did not see this coming.
Just out of curiosity, who is the "we" in the "we don't want to put her in a home"?
You and hubby? You and brother? You and other siblings? Collectively as a group?
I think it might be time for all of the siblings AND their spouses to sit down and have a talk -either in person or via Zoom - and discuss the problems that are being encountered with the current living situation and REALISTIC ideas for solutions. And the solutions should not involve "well, mom is already at your house, sis-in-law, so let's not go upsetting the apple cart and move mom - we PROMISE we'll help" because that rarely, if ever, happens. And you all need to really LISTEN to each other when whomever it is say "no, I can't possibly do this" or "this is way more work than I thought, and I'm drowning". It doesn't have to be acrimonious or contentious, but the solution has to work for everyone. That is the time to talk about anyone's stigmas and fears of placement, caregiving burnout, etc. But if you care at all about your brother, his wife and their happiness, this has to happen sooner rather than later, before SIL decides she's outta there (as we have advise SO many DIL caregivers on this site to do) and leaves your brother and the rest of you in a caregiving void.
I hope you can find a solution to this. Good luck.
It isn't working for everyone at the home of your brother and his wife, their home, not yours and not your mom's, so that means it is not working and that she, mom, needs a different living arrangement.
You don't want her to go to a facility, then you need to bring her to your home.
I know that is not what you want to hear but, it is the truth. If it isn't working for everyone, it isn't working.
My mother begrudgingly took in her mother when I was growing up. They were oil and water, the two of them, and our house was so thick with tension, you could cut it with a knife. As a result of all the friction between my mother & her mother, my childhood was ruined, and THEIR lives were ruined in the process. All for what? Avoidance of 'putting her in a home' and guess what happened? After my mother finally said ENOUGH and shipped grandma off to another sister's house, sister said Oh No, and placed grandma into a Skilled Nursing Facility immediately, where she proceeded to live happily ever after for the next bunch of years.
My own mother is 94 and has been living in a beautiful Assisted Living 'home' since 2014. The AL looks more like a nice hotel than anything else and her room is like a 4 star suite. Nobody's life is ruined in the process of her living in the AL, and she has a team of caregivers looking after her every need 24/7.
You might want to ditch the stigma you've placed on managed care for seniors now and tell your brother to start looking into placement for mom. Either that, or have her move in with YOU.
Good luck!
I put the kibosh on that idea right out the gate. Mom was moved to a SNF for a while, then to a memory care place closer to me, because I was driving 90 minutes (minimum -- it's L.A.) each way twice a week to visit her and keep an eye on her.
Once she was moved to the MC, she was doing things she hadn't done in years (moving around, socializing), and her overall health improved drastically. It was the best thing we did, because under my inexpert care, she'd have been dead and I'd have been divorced.
The people who work in nursing homes are trained, and that's a hugely important thing. They know how to handle everything from incontinence to wound care, and they have the benefit of multiple people around to keep an eye on your mom throughout the day. Their skills should not be discounted.
You've taken one of the most viable options off the table without even looking into it, and that isn't wise. Your brother and his wife deserve better.
Its not worth someone's marriage.
Now she has nothing to live for. YB completely controls her and hasn't even bothered to get her COVID shots--and she won't let anyone else 'help her' with this. She goes out one day a week to the grocery store and sits in the car with a mask on while YB shops. That's all she does all week. So sad.
If she had moved to the ALF we chose 10 years ago, she'd have a lot more visitors (as a family, we are not comfortable going to YB's to see mom. Sometimes YB just won't let us in and we don't feel welcome.)
When she has been in rehab (after surgery and a couple of falls) she loved it--made new friends and had things to DO.
Sure, there are people who 'dump' LO's in rest homes and are never seen again---but you have to weigh the options. My YB's marriage is rocky and it's all due to mother living with them for the past 26 years. Poor SIL--she did not see this coming.
You and hubby?
You and brother?
You and other siblings?
Collectively as a group?
I think it might be time for all of the siblings AND their spouses to sit down and have a talk -either in person or via Zoom - and discuss the problems that are being encountered with the current living situation and REALISTIC ideas for solutions. And the solutions should not involve "well, mom is already at your house, sis-in-law, so let's not go upsetting the apple cart and move mom - we PROMISE we'll help" because that rarely, if ever, happens. And you all need to really LISTEN to each other when whomever it is say "no, I can't possibly do this" or "this is way more work than I thought, and I'm drowning". It doesn't have to be acrimonious or contentious, but the solution has to work for everyone. That is the time to talk about anyone's stigmas and fears of placement, caregiving burnout, etc. But if you care at all about your brother, his wife and their happiness, this has to happen sooner rather than later, before SIL decides she's outta there (as we have advise SO many DIL caregivers on this site to do) and leaves your brother and the rest of you in a caregiving void.
I hope you can find a solution to this. Good luck.