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I have been on here several times with my story. I recently moved my mom in with me after a VP shunt was put in her brain to relieve the incapacitating effects of Normal Pressure Hydracephalus. I took a year off of work and lost over $40,000 in lost wages and expenses. My brother whom is 43 and lived with her rent free continued to work and accumulate his large retirement investments and keep his sports car. We sold my mom's house and put my brother in an apartment and my mom pays his rent every month until his car is paid off (three more years) so he doesn't have to dip into his 401k or his stocks (large amt of money). My brother works full time and so do I and my husband. I have a caregiver come in while I am away at work and my daughter at school. My situation is a bit different than many others as my mom has substantial investments and well over 120K in her savings account and a monthly income of $4800.00 of which she pays us $400 a month for her own den, bedroom and private bathroom. This also includes all food (barely pays for her food) utilities, transportation and I pay 1/2 of her storage bill a month because I had to put some of my things in storage with her things to make room in my home. My husband purchased our business from my dad when he retired. We pay her $2000 a month for 11.7 years (sadly my dad passed on). In April we will give her the final payment as the legal agreement was $300,000. You know where I am going with this. Mom has given the caregiver notice that after April she will no longer need her. I do not agree. She is a fall risk. Several doctors have told her she should not be alone. A Physician's assistant recently told her it should be ok during the day, so now that suggestion is gospel. I told my mom I did not agree with this but, she yells and get angry. My point is she is hoping I retire and stay home to care for her. I can't now. My daughter is going off to college in 2 years and I need to recoupe her college fund as that is slowly being depleted. I have taken a different job which is more flexible and less pay so I could be here for mom more. I will no longer be able to take her monthly contribution to the household as she is still using her charge cards and will be paying my brother's rent. I try to explain to her that he is set for life and I have 3 children and we do not have a 401K or stock accounts but, rather we have to put that much more into our retirement. I am 47 and mom's illness was quite a financial disaster for my husband and I. Her response is that we kicked my brother out of his home, he feels abandoned and she needs to make sure he is taken care of. My brother will retire a millionaire and I will be eating cat food and living in a Kenmore box if I have to financially support my mom and in reality my brother. Thinking of a life alert button!

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Get her out. Stop paying ANYTHING for her - just because she doesn't want to - doesn't make it your have to. At 47 you have many years to recover your financial position - put money toward your retirement.
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Kaybee, I think you are like a lot of caregivers, you jumped in with both feet when your mom was in crisis and needed you. I think it is time to acknowledge that the crisis has passed and it's time to make a sustainable plan for the future. You exercised your power as poa when mom could not care for herself, now that she is mentally able I think you should step back and let her manage her own financial affairs. If her income is diminished and she wants to keep money in her savings account it will be better that she makes those hard decisions herself without any input from you.
I also think it is time to re think your living arrangements. The way I see it you will always be held responsible for her money woes as long as she is paying you rent. Just because she won't consider AL doesn't mean that she has to stay with you, there are very nice seniors communities where help can be hired as needed. I get that you are terribly concerned for her physical welfare and it will be terribly difficult to give up the security you derive from having her with you, but I think this arrangement makes you the bad guy to your mother and probably your brother as well.
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To answer all questions and thank you all for your input. As for my mom selling her home, all proceeds are in her savings account. Being a financial advisor this is her biggest mistake. Her annuities are growing and she will not take an income stream from them. I have advised her to put half of her savings into an annuity with an immediate income stream to enable her to help with the care giver. My mom has to have at least 100K in her Saxons or she panics. I believe she resents me for her selling her home and my brother leaving her nest. As for her money I never took a penny from her. Anything I borrowed with her permission has been repaid in full. I could not let her live with my brother anymore as he would go out after the caregiver left and they would both lie to me. I always found out. My mother kept telling me you have to sell this house as I can't take care of it. After a year of hearing this I did it! I tried the AL approach and she states if I go there it will exhaust all my money. She refuses to go. My mom is fully competent so that makes it more difficult to address. My brother lives in a modest 1 bedroom apartment and drives a Camaro with a payment of nearly $700 a month. Exactly how much his rent is. I have POA and Am health surrogate for my mom. I check the accounts and her new sneaky strategy is to write checks for cash to herself, usually around the time she sees him...once a month to pay his rent which I insist she writes a check to him for his rent. Then she cashes a check from anywhere between $100 - $500 and it mysteriously disappears. She is paying more than his rent. When I explained to her that we will no longer be paying her the $2000 a month for the business in April I kindly told her that she needs to start saving money and stop paying his bills if she wants to keep her investments, her response was, I just won't do anything anymore. My response was "if that's how you want to live that's your choice but, I have s choice to and my choice is to work, put my daughter through college and save for my husband and I to retire! Not work so you can live for $400 a month and your son live for free. Make no mistake the big blow is coming!!!
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I'm with the crowd here. If mom has "informed" that she's letting the caregiver go, I'd "inform" her that her rent is being raised to $1000 per month to cover the increased liability of having her there. Or something like that. You are being used, sweetheart.
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Your brother is 43, works full-time, and can't pay his rent without dipping into his 401k? What the heck kind of apartment does he live in? And that must be one helluva car that it makes living arrangements unaffordable.

I hear you KayBee. I'm not trying to be snarky as I know what a totally unreasonable mother can be like. They brainwash us into not seeing reality correctly or bully us into feeling sorry for them when they really have the upperhand especially when it comes to finances.

My mom cries that she's a poor broke widow but we're the poor ones after her demands on me the past five years. It's emotional blackmail. We have a son in college now and it's not easy after I haven't worked in so long.

Your mom could easily afford AL. Bro needs to sell his car and grow up at 43. I'd give him a kick in the pants for you if I could! :)
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You're headed for one of those really tough confrontations when your mother will have to be told that you cannot and will not quit work to take care of her, and that if she doesn't want to continue with a caregiver she'll either be on her own with limited support or she'll have to consider a facility if she wants to be safe. Or your brother can finally step up to provide support which he apparently hasn't done.

I would in the meantime get a life alert pendant for her; you can cancel the monthly payment if she does agree to live in a facility.

Your mother unfortunately has also made some unwise choices with funding your brother, who has not participated equally in her care. It's totally unfair to expect you to sacrifice when he hasn't provided a comparable level of support.

I think though that daughters are easier to manipulate than sons.
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It always distresses me to read stories of how one child is treated so much better than another. You have been an angel, kaybee. If your mother feels she no longer needs a caregiver, perhaps she will feel she will do well in assisted living. I agree with Pam on this one. Whatever you do, don't quit your job or cut your hours to accommodate her decision.

I wondered why your mother thinks you threw your brother out of the house. Did she not receive the money for the house? It sounds like you've been very good to her and received little toward her living expenses. You have children and your own futures to consider, though, so there is only so much you can do. Much luck to you in handling this.
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For $4800 a month she can live in a really nice Assisted Living Facility. Make it crystal clear that you are not taking over in April. Start taking her on tours and get brochures mailed to her for medical alerts and senior living. Do not give in. Consider pursuing Guardian status, she is not thinking clearly. Ask the court to order her to ALF or NH in order to keep her safe.
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