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Babies are NOT the same to care for and I hate it when a well intended person flips that off as an answer.

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Sue, wonderful! So many try to hang on much longer than they should, which probably includes me.
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Sue, I think that's a wise move. The council on aging will sort it out. Take care of yourself.
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I'm going home May 10. I'm suffering from Clinical depression.
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There is a pill called Toviaz which helps limit urination. Stock up on Depends. You don't mention your mother's mental state. If her dementia is severe, call DPSS. This is beyond your limits. Good luck.
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Suegirl, mom has dementia and she is not able to show good judgement with food storage. Whether she resents it (bear in mind she resents having to HAVE help, not JUST you personally!) or not, someone has to take over. Stop hitting your head on the wall, figuratively, and do what needs done - let her be crotchety about it - I suspect this will not be the first time Council on Aging staff have listened to crotchety moms who wish there was not need for loving daughters to clean out pantries for them.
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My Mother....I have worked so hard in the 2 months I've been here, Cleaning. She resents me! Telling Councile on Aging I'm very controlling and bossy. Can goods are blowing up in the cabinet. She's had maggots twice. And bed bugs.
This is not my Mother, shes not herself. I'm not myself. I lose my temper. I called her a Crouchity Ole B*tch. I respect my Mother and Love her.and feel terrible afterwards. But this crazy
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Babalou is right, Woodstock you are a senior citizen doing the work of 3 full-time caregivers. When you tour nursing homes, look around at the staff, I bet it will be very hard to find any staff member who is your age.... there is a reason. We burn out very quickly.... otherwise we, ourselves, would need our own caregiver.
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I repeat to my mom, often, remember that you need to be able to get from bed to bathroom and back to stay at home. It is at least a line in the sand and encourages her to keep as mobile as possible. Sure there are accidents - but so far not every day occurrence - however I should have stock in TENA.

Soiled clothes are never washed with other clothes. Hot water and hot dryer...

Talk to primary care and get a home evaluation. Sounds like she might be medically in need of 24/7 care and that is why your sister dumped her on your doorstep.

Be very careful with your help. Who will take care of you if you throw out your back or damage a shoulder? Then where will your mom be?

Please, find some resources to help you. Elder Affairs or Council on aging in your community or state.
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The smell is so disgusting .someone compared it to rotting broccoli. Mom wears Tena Overnight pads, they absorb better than others. Also in addition Depends. She takes them all off and puts them in grocery bag and throws them in trash can
On back patio. I bought her a Diaper Genie for diapers and we use that during day.i spray Fabreze in there couple times a day. She was putting on clean clothes without washing.And only took bird baths. That is changing. It's her resistance to everything. A two year old teenager.
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Woodstock, you mention that you move your mom from the bed to the wheelchair and then to the toilet. One thing that might help, is to get a freestanding bedside toilet and cut out the double lifting.

Also, on you tube, there are videos that demonstrate the proper way to lift and transfer the immobile so as to do yourself as little harm as possible. Check that out.

There are cleansers, for instance in the pet aisle of the store, that work to counteract the smells and bacteria of feces. Unfortunately, no name is coming to my mind right now, but check out that aisle next time you have a chance. Oh, Nature's Miracle is one. Then wash on the hottest water possible. You might even want to wash twice. For soiled clothing, I would use 20 Mule Team Borax, or baking soda or something similar to remove odors.

So far, we are not at that level of care with Mom. I'm not sure what will happen when and if we get there. I am also in my 60's with an achy back and my own health issues. She is still mobile, although she doesn't always make it on time to the bathroom.

Good luck and bless you for caring.
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That would be the deal breaker for me! We deal with this on occasion but not often. I will not hesitate with the placement if this becomes a regular issue.
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Would a Hoya lift make things easier for you? Then you should get one. It doesn't matter what sis thinks anymore, does it?

It seems to me that your mom's problem goes beyond incontinence, it's lack of mobility and the fact that you are one senior citizen, doing the job of three shifts of professional caregivers. So start touring nursing homes, get mom on waiting lists for all that seem acceptable and get mom's finances in order, either for private pay or so she qualifies for Medicaid. Let go of the anger at sis, and of the guilt.
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Woodstock, does sis have POA for your Mom? What she did was abandon her, that is against the law. If you do not want and not able to care for Mom, contact Adult Protective Services for help in placing Mom.
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Oh, I suggested a Hoyer lift. Sister said, "No, I don't like Hoyer lifts" Don't know why though. Divorced Sister feels she has been with Mom up till now, (we live in different states) when Mom was able and helped with things like child care, but now Mom is delivered to me, without discussion and sister thinks I need to do 24/7 home care because sister told Mom she won't put her in a nursing home. I am confused by this forced untenable situation.
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Fregflyer, my mother is 93, 100 lbs, and cannot stand, even with assistance, unfortunately. So far, I have to put my arms under her and lift her out of bed and into the wheelchair then on to the toilet, if she hasn't already done her business in bed. I am 64 and not a weightlifter, but I try. She was dropped once and reminds me how awful it was for her. I need to join a gym and get a hernia operated on. I do not want to complain, but I would appreciate some ideas on how to make it a bit easier.
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Woodstock, do what my 97 year old Mom does any time my Dad 93 becomes incontinent.... she directs him to the washer and dryer with his clothes and sheets... and if he has an oops on the rug, out comes the spray cleaner, scrub brush and towels for him to clean up his own mishaps. After a few months of doing his own cleaning, he is now buying Depends to wear.

Now I understand that even the best of undergarments don't always work at bed time and that one will need to buy other things to use on the bed which are easier to clean compared to taking off all the sheets.

Curious, Woodstock, what other medical issues does your Mom have? Even grown children at times have their own incontinence issues.
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If they think it's no big deal tell them you'll be dropping off the laundry each night for them to do.

I'll tell you a story. We had a relative who, in order to flee the Nazis, walked from Belgium, across the north of France to get on a ship that took her to America. She made this walk with her husband and then 5 year old son. I tell this story each year at our Passover Seder when we use one of her dishes to hold the matzah. One year, my brother in law said, "that's not such a long walk". I looked at his whiny 6 year old and said "wanna try it with him?". He got the point.

We all have things we can and cannot do. There comes a point where I believe frail elders are much better cared for in a good facility. No one has the stamina to do this alone without great cost to their physical and mental health.
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Thank you, Babalou. I felt the same way. Just some in the family think I should just roll with the punches.
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Woodstock, for many folks here, incontinence is the deal breaker that allows them to realize that their parent needs professional care. I cannot care for my mom's private areas and do not believe she wants me to. She is well looked after, medically and otherwise, in a nursing home.
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