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How do I comfort her when I feel like I let her down? She is too weak to move, due to the level of care she needs she can't go home anyway but she is isolated due to the Virus and she is already blind and helpless (possible Vascular Parkinson's too)


I feel like she thinks she is just left to die there. It is tearing me apart that a once vibrant person with 5 children and so many grandchildren she has ended up alone in this manner when her sisters are all surrounded by their children and loved ones and doing well in their homes. She no longer talks and when I call her I feel so burdened and finding it hard to know how to comfort her. Is anyone else experiencing this?

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I often used to just sit holding my mother's hand. I would explore whether there is any possibility of you being able to be with her in person as a vital part of her care team, I know that in some places there are allowances being made IF you are willing (and able) to be tested and facility admins are open to the idea. Beyond that there isn't much you can do other than asking staff to continue to engage her in meaningful ways (my mom enjoyed music but I continually had to push to get them to giver her a preloaded ipod) and speak to her over the phone - reading her a short story (chicken soup for the soul?) or religious verse or devotional could help fill the empty space.
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Victoryismine Aug 2020
Thank you for your suggestions. I will try reading to her over the phone. Even though she is not talking I know that she can hear. Unfortunately, I am in another state. I only wish I could hold her hand. I am hoping they allow visits soon.

Thank you so much.
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I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I read that you’re in different states, and know that must much further complicate everything. My mother was in a nursing home for four years in a similar condition as your mom. My mother couldn’t sit up, roll over, or do anything for herself. Over time she lost the ability to talk, couldn’t eat normally, lost a good bit of vision, and lived the most miserable life I’ve ever witnessed. It was actually more cruel that she was mentally fine, it would have been kinder if she didn’t realize it all. I empathize with you on how hard this is to watch. I’m not sure I have good ideas for you on handling this from a distance. Is her nursing home allowing anyone in? If so, you could hire someone local to go see her daily or at least every other day, have the staff confirm that they’re showing up and sticking around, a person to visit your mom, see that her care is good, be the eyes and ears on the place, talk to her, read to her, hold her hand, just be a friendly human contact outside of the staff. There are plenty of companionship services you could look to for providing this
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Victoryismine Aug 2020
Thank you for your response. Sometimes it just helps to know someone else can relate. You are right... it is more cruel and hurtful with the fact that my mother is in her right mind. The NH will not allow me to send a companion due to Covid I've asked several times months apart and the answer is always the same. It's hard to speak with her but I keep trying.

I'm sorry to hear that your mother also struggled and how difficult it was for you. :(
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