My 97 year old mother was recently diagnosed with moderate dementia and is now in a skilled nursing facility, which causes her a great deal of angst. She constantly talks about going home. But that’s not the issue, just gives you an idea of her psyche. She also frequently believes that I am dead. I see her every other day (the SNF is 45 minutes away from me), yet often enough on the days that I am NOT there, I get a call from nursing because Mom is just inconsolable because she believes that I am dead, that someone is bringing caskets to her, etc. Talking to me on the phone is not good enough, I can tell her facts that nobody else could possibly know, and she’ll respond, “Anyone could find that out! You’re an imposter!” She has asked me to drop what I’m doing and drive there so she can see me in person, which I have refused to do, telling her I’ll see her the next morning.
So, the problem is, my husband and I planned a 2-week trip to Europe a year ago, before any of these current issues. The trip is coming up quickly, and I am just at a loss as to what to tell her. Do I tell her I’m going on vacation for 2 weeks and won’t be able to visit? Do I tell her I’m going to Europe (which could cause her to worry more) or tell her that I’m going a couple of states away (which could lead to frequent phone calls)? I want her to worry as little as possible, although I may be fooling myself on that one because she will probably worry equally no matter where she thinks I am. I’m purchasing the full international cell phone service because I’m expecting phone calls at all hours from the nursing staff asking me to talk to Mom and assure her I’m ok. Maybe I should put a sign on her bulletin board that says, “Louise is on vacation from X until X (dates),” although I didn’t really want to tell her that I’ll be away for two weeks because her sense of time is warped and if I don’t tell her I’m gone for 2 weeks, she may not realize it’s that long. But, on the other hand, she may think I’m gone forever.
I can’t cancel this trip. My husband would not forgive me. I cancelled a trip to Canada in July because my mother was melting down really badly (that was before she was in SNF), that was bad enough. Plus, we are traveling with a single friend, and I can’t leave her in the lurch, either. Oh, and I am the only child, so there is that. I have two daughters who will go see her on weekends, but they are both working with very limited time off available, I’m not asking them to take days off to go visit her during the week. I have friends of hers lined up to go visit, but it’s not the same ... she doesn’t obsess about THEM being dead.
I welcome all of your suggestions!
Please be open to medication suggestions. Your mother doesnt deserve to be in this kind of psychic pain.
Having said the foregoing, I believe your suggestions are excellent.
Have you tried a video call to see if that is more reassuring than just a voice call? If the SNF has internet access a cheap android tablet can run the google hangout or skype app.
Worrying about you may be a way of your mother expressing her own anxiety as her health declines. Does she take any anti-anxiety medication?
With a Dementia patient less is best. If you feel you need to tell Mom you will be away, just say you will not be able to see her because hubby is taking you away for a few days. You will see her when you come back. In the meantime, so and so will be there to visit. Not being aware of time anymore, she may not realize 2 weeks from 2 days. And I will bet, she will forget what you said by the next day. Wait to tell her the day before you leave and at the end of your visit. Have an aide near by if she gets upset. Like a child, don't elaborate. Kiss her on the cheek, give her a hug and leave. The aide will be there.
You and your husband need this. Mom is in a safe place being cared for. This trip is a once in a lifetime thing. Don't spoil it by worrying about Mom. Enjoy!
The nurse can say say that you left videos for her to watch.
Go and enjoy your vacation! Try not to worry because you’re mom really is being taken care of. You and your husband need this vacation. (I know I do! So, if you decide not to go... I’ll fill in!)
JoAnn, it’s great that your mother believes someone! My mother doesn’t believe ANYONE, not the staff, not me, not my daughters. But, then, she’s always been a paranoid woman, it’s just intensified now.
Mom’s sense of time is bad, but varies. When she has those psychotic episodes thinking I’m dead, she never remembers them the next day. Sometimes she remembers that I visited, most times not. However, friends from our old neighborhood visited Wednesday and she still remembered that visit on Thursday (the nurse said they were having a very good time). Hubby and I went camping for a week, and every day she asked where I was and if I was coming home that day, so she couldn’t remember any of that. She’ll read me the same newspaper article 8 times within 15 minutes.
There is no way I could tell her I’m “under the weather” and then disappear for 2 weeks!
This dementia stuff is very new to all of us, and we’re still trying to figure it out.
I just tell myself she is in good hands and She is Safe!!
Your statement above basically says it all. It won't matter if it is 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 years - she has NO concept of time! I would not tell her anything about your planned trip AND you need to focus on your trip, not mom. She is in (hopefully) good hands. If she is stressing about your being MIA even an hour or a day after a visit, nothing will assuage that, so there is no point to telling her (she will forget it anyway) AND there is no point to you worrying about it either!
As for meds, they should not be so strong that they knock your mom out. Our mother periodically gets in a snit about something (generally it has been thinking she has guests coming and needs to get home!) We got Rx for this (Lorazepam), AS NEEDED only - she does not get this on a regular basis, it generally works in a very short time (doesn't need to build up in her system) and calms her down (they try all other tricks of the trade first, sometimes for an hour or more before resorting to medication.)
I also would not have the staff calling you at all hours, just to "console" her. If it even works (sounds from your posts it does NOT), it will only work for a short time. If there is a REAL issue, yes, they can call, otherwise no. You have already said that talking to her now by phone does not work (you are an impostor), so what purpose would calls at all hours serve, other than to interrupt your trip and/or sleep?
I also think the idea suggested about hiring someone to come in every day and visit with her might be a good one. Changing focus/redirection sometimes can move the person on to some other topic. Also, write up some cards and letters, addressed and stamped and have one mailed by your daughters each day, so she has something to look at/forward to. Sure, it likely will not alleviate these delusions, but it might give her something to focus on, especially with her "visitor".
No matter what, she already experiences these delusions, so let the staff deal with her and GO ENJOY YOUR TRIP!!!
I was away for over three weeks, and when I saw my mother yesterday (after having returned the night before) she said she had no idea that I had been away that long!
I am writing from the perspective of a Certified Travel Counselor with 38 yrs experience. Over almost 4 decades of Counseling people and helping them plan dream trips, I suggest you take two weeks of your time and devote it to your DH. I believe both of you owe this trip to yourselves. I can't tell you how many clients I had who put off taking their dream trips because of a sick relative. What frequently happens is you put off taking care of you and your LO and one of you develops their own health issue and one of you is so stricken, you and your LO will no longer be able to realize a dream of your own. I saw this happen to my Mother and Step Father. They put off traveling because my Grandmother was in a SNF and my mother was DON for the facility. My Grandmother died and shortly thereafter my mother was diagnosed with Coronary Heart Disease after almost 17 months of testing, medication, PT, the doctors decided they had to operate. Keep in mind my mother was an RN for 25 plus years. While recovering from the Bypass operation she was given medication which she was allergic to, went into a coma and died 6 wks before her 51st Birthday.
My mother and step father dreamed of going many places, they never got to do them, even after my grandmother was dead for 18mos. I learned at the age of 25 to not put off my dreams, I realized three childhood dreams during my career. I was diagnosed 2 1/2 yrs ago at the age of 56 with Early Onset Dementia/ Prob ALZ. We've taken two family trips in the last three years, and a big Alaska Cruise is planned for summer 2019. I've been to Alaska three times and never seen Glacier Bay. I can tell you I believe I am further along with this disease than the doctor says, but I am going to reach out and realize this last dream.
I recommend you leave detailed plans with the NH as to where you will be and how to get in touch with you while traveling and what your wishes are for things to be handled if your mother passes away while you are on your trip. When we grow up we leave our parents and move on with a spouse and become one. The entire of you needs some attention give it to yourselves, hopefully, you'll have a long time to explore the world, but don't cheat yourself of this chance. My prayers go up for you and your DH, God Bless you all.
Also, tell the facility, to call one of your daughters only if it is a true emergency, she can make the decision to call you or not. Your husband needs the break. If your mom dies while you are gone, it won't be your fault, she is 97 years old. You could be killed just driving to see her, what would happen then? You are not indispensable, no one is.
Please, go on your trip, have a great time, give your husband your love and attention. He deserves that.
Once again you are right on the mark. An excellent reply. We were both on the same track on this one. Glad to see you writing again. Glad to have made a new friend.
God Bless,
John
Do something similar with post cards, small items that you 'bought' that you think she would like [here I'd get some lotion, hair barettes, etc but your call on how many] - this will show her you are well & away with nothing to worry about - I did something for every other day but if you are worried then 2 a day to help staff & they will appreciate your effort to keep her calm
Enjoy your trip but you missed the best in my country of Canada - please rebook as you'll love it
It's time for the 2 of you to take care of yourselves. How terrible it would be if you don't go because you're worried and one of you were to get sick (or God forbid) die without having this special time together. I'm willing to bet your mom went on vacation and so should you!
Please go! For you and for all of us that wish we could go. Blessings to you, Lindaz.
Thank. You.
I've said similar things on other threads regarding what mom and dad were doing for their retirement. Although mom and her sisters took turns keeping Nana at their homes, she was easy to care for and did not have dementia. They were all still likely in their 50s or so, but could still take trips, etc. All grandparents were gone before my parents retired and they lived the GOOD retirement - snow birds to FL for the winter, get together in their place or other family members' or friends' homes, and travel travel travel... They did it ALL. For MANY years! Mom still took shorter trips to FL after dad passed. Mom would have been about 85 when he passed, she is 95 now and in MC.
Now that we, the dementia generation, are of retirement age, we're getting stuck in this nasty rut. TAKE the time while you can! Do not delay as you may never get the chance to do whatever it is you have desired and/or planned. Dementia or not, anything can happen to any one of us and we will miss out those opportunities to do what we have desired to do. Tomorrow never comes, we must live in today. We can plan for our tomorrows, but keep your tomorrows close and don't keep delaying - never put off until tomorrow that which you can do today!
We never know what tomorrow will bring, so DO go, DO forget about mom and DO have a great time with your husband!! So many on this site cannot, either because they are providing care themselves and have no way to bring care in, or cannot afford to do this, or even worse have become so ill from care-giving that they are too infirm (or old) to go. GO GO GO GO!!! And turn the sound off on your phone - focus on hubby and your (possibly) once in a lifetime dream vacation!