Mom is in nursing home. A nurse has been a bully and directly affecting her care for the past year. What can I do?

Unfortunately, if any type of healthcare facility including hospitals and nursing homes, has been infiltrated with narcissistic staff all the way to the top of the organizational chart, there is often not much that can be done, until it all falls apart. Smear campaigns are extremely destructive, as you are now aware by observing what has happened with your dear mom.

You have just described the ways that a narcissist can, and will, destroy the functioning of a business, without any legal repercussions. It's a bad sign that all of the staff now ignores your mom. The narcissist will enlist "flying monkeys" - meaning they influence other workers to act for them and to continue doing all kinds of inappropriate things, like bullying. We should never underestimate the power that narcissists can have in a place of business, especially when there are no checks and balances to monitor - and remove - toxic employees.

By the way, it is difficult to impossible to rehabilitate a toxic employee. They will just go to work somewhere else and start all over again. I worked in a smaller mountain hospital that was a dumping ground for toxic staff.

One problem is that even in our legal system, many judges, attorneys, etc, are unaware of narcissistic abuse, and don't recognize the signs. This can prevent appropriate action being taken, and the removal of the narcissistic employees from the place of businesses. Many think this is just business as usual. But it isn't!! It's unethical and often illegal if the right people are interpreting the laws.

There are private consulting businesses today that will train healthcare facility employees in recognizing toxic, destructive behaviors. There should be ZERO tolerance for this type of behavior In any healthcare facility - or any other type of business, for that matter, I'm sorry I don't have any names right now for one of these companies that trains healthcare facilities, but I do know there is at least one woman who has a Facebook page for her business although the name escapes me. She appears to do many trainings for hospitals. The nursing field attracts a high proportion of narcissistic people.

You don't indicate whether you live in a large city - with many available facilities for your mom - or a small town, with very few facility options. Have you thought about moving your mom to a different facility, organizationally unrelated to the one she is in currently?

Left you a PM

There is not a Nursing Facility out there good enough for my mom.

Their priority is making money. You can move your LO to another facility and you are most likely going to still get poor results.

The Administrators and staff will give you a fake smile to make you think it is all going good. You just really do not know.

The staff and Administrators can mistreat your LO and get away with it. You can report it all you want but nothing will be done because no one cares.

Sadly, we are living in times where there is not much love for one another any more. It is all about that filthy lucre.

BC,

Good for you for being such a strong advocate!

You have an advantage of knowing what goes on behind the scenes.

Stuff does happen all of the time. This may seem minor but my mom shared a bathroom with the adjoining room.

The aide told my mom to use the same cup to rinse her mouth with after her neighboring roommate used it.

That’s just gross! I brought a stack of disposable cups for mom to use to rinse her mouth with.

You've filed multiple complaints at the facility and with the state. That is good because it's a paper trail and can be used as evidence. Have a record yourself of the dates and times you've filed these complaints, even if they are verbal ones. Now, you call a law firm. Lawyers advertise on tv all the time for nursing home abuse and neglect. Your mom has suffered both. Deliberately causing isolation of a resident from their friends is considered elder/nursing home abuse. Of course you should look for another facility for her. In the meantime, get militant. I don't know what your support system is like, but if you're able to have different people who the facility aren't familiar with, go at different times of the day will greatly improve your mom's situation in the short-term until you can find her placement somewhere else. If she's in bed and in a soiled diaper every time someone stops in, have them document it personally and take pictures. Report it to the facility every time. In fact when you or anyone else visiting reports it, do it with a cellphone filming it. If you don't have a support system of different people who can do this for you and your mom, I find that the threat I used when my father was in the nursing home worked. My exact words were, "Know how fast I can get a news crew in here?" My father's treatment was much improved during the amount of time he remained there until he went to another facility. Everyone says that families have to kiss up to nursing home staff in order for someone to be decently taken care of. That they have to bring gifts and be extra pleasant. No you don't. They get their money every month, and they work for YOU. Don't forget that. Being extra nice and not making a fuss doesn't work with these people because there are always some in a nursing home who don't care and who are downright cruel. What does work is you make them fear you. When nursing home staff is afraid of you that guarantees your loved one will be decently cared for. Be seen too. Get to know the family of your mom's roommate (if she's in a shared room). Try to get friendly with them. When you do they'll watch out for her when they're visiting at times when you're not, and in turn you do the same for them. Nursing home staff doesn't like this. They don't like when visiting families get friendly with each other because that means there's eyes on them and it makes them afraid. Good luck to you.

I know one here that is top notch but I am sure it is 1000's of miles away from you. We out here in the boonies.

Move her to a new place. But with a clean slate. Don' tell them there was problems there.

If your thinking about leaving her in teh facility I suggest hiring an attorney ask them to write a letter of cease and decist this behavoir. If this doesnt work take legal action or mover her

this has been going on for over a year!! It probably wont stop

Imho, please hire an elder law attorney. This is elder abuse and should not be tolerated. Under no circumstances should you bring her home. Prayers sent..

My2cents,

East Texas showdown, huh? LOL Too funny!

There is a shortage of employees in nursing homes. I understand this but you’re absolutely correct, unacceptable behavior should never ever happen.

In my mom’s case, she was conflicted in her emotions.

Mom did not want to feel vulnerable and be overdosed with meds, yet she had some anxiety about backlash from me reporting the incident.

When I explained to her that the pharmacist told me that I had an obligation to report the nurse in order to prevent this from happening to other residents she agreed and understood completely.

I kept my eye on the facility very closely. Mom knew that I was her strongest advocate.

I was fortunate that the DON and social worker addressed the nurse. I don’t know what the protocol for firing someone is.

I know that people aren’t always fired due to fear of repercussions of lawsuits. This particular nursing home did have a shortage of help.

I would hear the staff talking about pulling double shifts quite frequently which contributes greatly to issues that occur. The staff is exhausted. Not saying this is an excuse.

I hated that the nurse (LPN) overdosed my mom but it is sad there is a shortage of staff in some homes. I wonder how common that is. It’s tough work. That’s for sure.

Move her to another facility. Do NOT go in to details about the problems you have at current facility or mom will come in as 'a problem'. Ask anyone you know about another facility and use them as reason to move - you heard great things about the facility. You could call the state again, but them arriving and witnessing bad behavior is hard to do. Every single employee knows when the 'suits' enter the building.

It's not going to get better for your mom. Dealt with an extremely passive aggressive cna or some title when mom in rehab. Of course she denied it and then my mom called on the phone and had laid it down as lady entered the room - so she had no idea that someone was listening to the conversation. That woman was scary as H*ll - she confronted me when I reported that conversation and catching her dispensing the wrong meds/wrong amts. She got within inches of my face before I had to warn her to back off. I thought we were going to have a good old East Texas throw-down. Facility was aware of her crazy behavior (not the first report_ and 'had a talk with her', so basically did nothing. I could protect my mom, however I worried so much about the other patients who had no visitors.

Get yr mom outta there Please!!! No way will I leave my mom to suffer in another's hands! Do better!

When my mom was in rehab at a nursing home there was a nurse who gave my mom a double dose of her Parkinson’s meds so she wouldn’t have to make another trip to my mom’s room later in the evening.

My mom is sharp! She told the nurse that she was giving her twice the amount and asked her if it would hurt her to take it all at once.

The nurse told my mom that it would not hurt her to double up on her meds. Mom was skeptical but took it in order not to disagree with the nurse.

Mom is of the generation that doesn’t like to make waves with those who she feels have authority but she was uncomfortable taking the double dose and told me about it when I visited the following day.

I was concerned and called our pharmacy to see if mom was in any danger from taking a double dose.

The pharmacist told me, it was probably not a problem if it was only one occasion of overdosing but if it continues it would be an issue.

The pharmacist also said if this nurse was doing this to mom she was most likely doing it to others too. She told me to report her to the DON and social worker.

I told the DON and social worker at the nursing home. They questioned the nurse and she admitted that she did it because they were shorthanded and that she was trying to save time. The nurse was told that she was never to overmedicate any patient.

You are a caring daughter and have tried numerous times to handle your mom’s situation and the nursing home hasn’t resolved your issue.

If it were me I would start looking at new facilities to place her. I would not bring her home where you know she wouldn’t be comfortable. She is used to watching her television in her own room.

Equally as important, you have your own family in your own routines.

Wishing you all the best. I am so sorry that this nurse is still working there. Unless she has a sincere change of heart and shows genuine remorse, she doesn’t deserve to have a job working with the elderly.

Your mom doesn’t deserve to be mistreated. You are right to be concerned and are doing your best to be an advocate for her.

They had a chance to remedy the situation and failed. So, time to move forward in a new facility where she will receive better care.

You should report this unacceptable, unprofessional behavior to authorities regulating the elder care.there must be a contact either within the place your mom is ,or outside an organization protecting elderly.
You can take her for a few days..try to enroll help from friends,relatives, to visit her ,phone her in between.
Bullying older ones is a crime

Report this nurse to the Director of Nursing. If that does’t work, report to the nursing home administrator. If it is a corporate owned report to that office. If all fails move her to another facility or to your home.

Be sure to document all incidents.

You can move your mom to a different facility. You don't have to take her into your home where your entire household will be disrupted and rearranged, and where she likely won't be happy ANYWAY with all the noise and commotion.

Research other SNFs in your area and go take a tour of a few. Find one that feels right to YOU and remove your mother from an untenable situation asap.

Good luck!

This is so childish. SMH

So, a nurse was abusing your mom psychologically and was removed from her care.

This same nurse is still contributing to problems by having staff to turn against an innocent elder.

So many used to be your mom's friend but they are so blinded and weak, they are letting this same little nurse control them? I mean they actually believe her?

You have filed multiple complaints and a state report and this behavior continues with staff in a Nursing Facility?

Nothing is being done about it? They are just acting "childish" there and play "follow the leader?"

What a MESS. I hear such nonsense happening in the facilities all the time. Like where is the Administrator? Like why don't they have control over what takes place in their facility.

Come on. These elderly folks are there because they need to be cared for. They are not in need for a playground or a circus.

Honey, Do you want my opinion? If you can, bring your mother home. Do yourself a favor.

Tell that bully nurse what goes around comes around. Enjoy your time when your old and I hope karma bites you in the A$$ when you get there.

Don't bring her home!!!!

Your Mom will be safer and likely get better care at home, but you are in prime time motherhood and the impact on you and your family, especially with Covid will stretch your strength and endurance to capacity. If Mom moves in and likes silence, there are really soft and comfy headsets that block outside sound, and she can use to watch tv or listen to podcasts. However, you the Mom, gets over-extended, seems to be the fate of the "sandwich generation". Your kids are at a really good age, and you can have a heart to heart talk with them to see if you can rally your family at this time of challenge to help grandma... Maybe everyone getting assigned a little job or a shift. And, it's so important not to have worry for Mom, distract from the emotional & physical needs of your family. It's all difficult caring for a relative in need, made worse w/ Covid, and an opportunity to rally and unite your family.

I am wondering if your visits are limited by Covid? Are you seeing your Mom? Is your Mom the reporter on her care, or may I ask where your information is coming from? The claim that abandonment of a patient by one person, then by all staff is truly terribly serious. Have you a diary about complaints, when, where and what? Have you had the ombudsman in? What does the administrator tell you? I agree with the advice to take this to the Board of Nursing but you are going to have to give a list of specific evidence as to what was neglected, when, for how long, by whom.
I can't figure how you can get the evidence you need. How helpless you must feel. I am so sorry. I hope you will update us.

Report the bully to the Board of Nursing. Speak to the director and let he/she know you will proceed further if things do not change and if she is bullying your mother you bet she is doing that to other residents. I had a situation where an RN was very rude to me over the phone many times and I finally said I was going to report her to the Board of Nursing for poor ethical conduct. I got a call within minutes from the director of the office and from the rude person herself, I did not report her but if things did not change you bet I would. I told the director I insist on getting someone else to handle my calls I refuse to speak to her. Apparently the director was aware of her bullying and rudeness to others as well. She said there is no excuse for her poor behavior. The director handled the situation in a professional and timely manner. It is stressful enough without staff make it more stressful. I would absolutely never put up with someone being a bully to my mother. You mentioned taking your mother home with you, in this circumstance it might be the best choice for now and then you can make a change in the near future if you want to place her in another facility or you might want to keep her with you and the family. Things can work with some simple changes.

Report it to the highest possible authority in the NH. If it's a chain go above the individual adminstrator for the specific location she is in. Be very specific with examples of abuse. If no improvement take it to goverment/ombudsman. Worst (best?) case scenario, find a new NH.

Do not bring her into your home under any circumstances. Your plate is full now.

Call your local Aging Partners office and ask for contact information for the state Ombudsman for care facilities. They act as an advocate for patients in care facilities. Tell him or her about your mother's experience with this person and your meetings about the situation. They should visit your mother to assess the situation and report back to you. I think they are obligated to follow up on any reports.

If it were me I might try to have a face to face with the bully and let her know that she and her bully and isolating tactics are on your radar and you will be taking appropriate action. In fact, get the words legal action, neglect, nursing license and elder abuse in there somewhere.

Find out if you can install cameras in your mothers room and tell them you will now be documenting any and all abuse and reporting it.

All that being said, how do you know 75% of the staff don't like your mom because of this bully? Is your mom telling you or are you observing some of this?

Is this a small family run facility or a bigger one? Is there a director and is it licensed under the state?

Squeaky wheel often gets the grease but I'm not clear on what type of facility your mom is in- size, etc.

I am so sorry to hear this. Can you find another nursing home for your mom?

What a shame that that is allowed to go on in any facility these days. I would most certainly be looking for another nursing home to put your mom in, as she deserves much better treatment than what she is receiving now.

And no I wouldn't bring her into your home, unless you are 150% sure you and your family can handle it, and you have some kind of outside help lined up to assist you with her. It sounds like your house is already quite chaotic, and adding an elderly person who needs 24/7 care would just add to the chaos. It's very sweet that you are thinking about that, but realistically I just don't think it would be best for anyone. Best wishes for the future for your mom.

Very very sorry.  Can you look for another NH?