Mom is in assisted living and thinks someone is stealing things from her room. Security cameras do not support this. What do we do?

This just recently happened to momma. I sent her some extra money for her to go christmas shopping and then she called me the other day and said it was stolen. Don't know what to believe? It could have very well been my brother. He has done this many times before or could it be somebody in assisted living? Could it be just momma? Don't know? One other time she told me that she had a bottle of chanel #5 stolen. I buy her a bottle every year for her birthday. Who knows!

I'm sorry for what you are both going through, poor you and Mom! It's time for memory care. My mother went through the same thing, a one bedroom apartment and every time she left one room everything else was stolen, dementia. She was confused, totally. She even believed her stuff was in another apartment a couple of doors down and was going to prove it. Memory care helped because it was a studio apartment and everything was right there! She became bedridden and I would take pictures to show her that everything was still where it should be. Well, it gets worse, sorry to say. She went as far to tell me that her cat(spayed for 8 years) had kittens and they looked like little tiger cubs. They were put in the bathroom and she was waiting for a box to take them to the animal shelter. She must have been watching animal planet? It's enough to pull your hair out and very difficult to keep getting your mind blown out. You can't rationalize anything to them either, they lost the capacity to comprehend normal thoughts and behavior. Take care of yourself and try to keep your sanity, let it go and get lots of rest. You can't do anything more than be there for her.

This is a tough situation, no doubt. The behaviors you describe are very common for dementia. Depending on what comes out of the UTI test, etc., it might be time to think about MC.

Assure mom that anyone who steals from her will be dealt with by the facility. It’s true. And meantime you’ll be taking anything valuable for safekeeping.

Geobwright: Reassure her that nothing is amiss with loving compassion.

Thank you all for these insights. We are having testing for a UTI, dementia and looking at her medications. Even better were your suggests on how to help her by giving loving understanding to her concerns. Looks like we have lots of research to do too. Thanks again.

I would add one other thing to the list. Hallucinations can also be caused and/or exacerbated by medication. My mother started having very vivid (sometimes scary) hallucinations when she was on clonazipan (spelling?), and she got aggressive later as well because of the increased dosage of the med. When she was taken off of it and put on a different regimen, they disappeared, along with the aggression. She still believes people are stealing from her, but she is not hallucinating and she is no longer aggressive. I would just say, meds can make all the difference - both positive and negative, so watch/monitor and be ready to adjust if you do introduce meds.

Here is an excerpt from my recent book "Dementia Care Companion" which is available on Amazon. It is a 380 pages handbook which the caregivers need through the journey, from beginning to the end:

Suspicion and Delusion
A person with dementia may suspect or accuse others of theft, infidelity, or other impropriety. This can make for some awkward situations at family gatherings, where the patient may openly accuse someone in front of others. Unfounded suspicion, and more broadly delusion, can take many forms, including believing that someone is following or spying on them, that family members betray or steal from them, that the words and actions of public figures are directed at them personally, or that the events depicted in books, poems, newspapers, and movies are about them. While such beliefs have no basis in reality, the patient nevertheless believes them to be true. Delusional thinking usually occurs early in the course of dementia progression and may persist for a long time.
Help Others Respond Appropriately
·        Make sure everyone understands that the patient’s behavior is not malicious and that it is dementia that is at the root of it.
·        Give the accused party a heads-up so they are not taken by surprise in the event that the patient openly accuses them in the presence of others.
·        Do not take accusations at face value, and do not take offense, respond defensively, or try to fight the accusations.
·        Deal with the patient with understanding and compassion. Stay cordial. Be more of a listener than a speaker. Keep in mind that these beliefs are quite real to the patient.
·        If the patient has gifted an item and now believes the item has been stolen, ask the recipient not to wear the item in front of the patient, or better yet, return the item.
 Dealing With Delusion
·        Do not try to convince the patient that they are mistaken. Remember that their judgment is impaired and they are not able to follow your reasoning. Trying to convince them may even lead to aggression.
·        Try instead to find the reasons behind the suspicion and, if possible, eliminate them.
·        If the patient believes something has been stolen, help them find the missing item or replace it with a new one. If they have gifted an item, ask the recipient to return the item.
·        Be mindful of your demeanor. Speak in a calm and reassuring tone. Stay relaxed and help the patient calm down.
·        Do not endorse suspicions and do not try to refute them. Instead, try to distract the patient with something else.
·        Use relaxing and easy activities, like a walk outside, to divert the patient’s attention to something else.

Your Mom has got Dementia. It's a stage they go through with Dementia where they think someone is breaking in stealing there things or all kinds of other things similar. Depending on other things that she might be doing, that she is able to hide from you and staff the harder question might be when do I put my Mother in the memory care section. Dementia is so hard on all of us.

You tell her what will keep her calm:

* I will check into it.
* Re-affirm as often as necessary: You are safe here.
* Do not argue and certainly never tell her that she is 'wrong' as this will set up an argument / emotionally activate / upset her. If anything, thank her for letting you know --- when switch the subject.
* If it might help, tell her that 'you' did it ... took something to clean it and will return it soon ... then change the subject.

REALLY HELPFUL________________________

* Check Teepa Snow's website - lots of information on this topic.
She just wrote a book in this topic.
Many people here would benefit from it.

Link: https://teepasnow.com/blog/do-you-see-what-i-see-hallucinations-and-delusions-in-dementia/

Some info copied here:

Have you ever witnessed a person living with dementia experience hallucinations or delusions?

While they both deal with a disconnect from reality, they are very different and come from different parts of the brain. What can cause this, and more importantly, what can you do to help and support a person experiencing them? Let’s take a look at some ideas for steps to take in the moment.

Hallucinations______________________________

Hallucinations happen when a person’s brain is either receiving faulty information from the body or the brain is not able to accurately process the data that their body is providing.

Hallucinations can be distressing for the person experiencing them as well as those around them. If a person is hallucinating, their brain is reacting to something that is not there for you.

For the person experiencing the hallucination that bugs are crawling all over their body, their brain is telling them it is all real. In an attempt to help, you may want to orient them, tell them that the bugs aren’t there; but the person can see them, can feel them on their skin, and maybe more. Assuring them that it isn’t real would be akin to me telling you that you aren’t reading this right now. You aren’t holding a phone, tablet, or computer. You aren’t sitting on a chair.

Hallucinations are most often found in Lewy Body Dementia, but can be found with other dementias and certain mental illnesses.

Delusions___________________________________

Delusions have to do with thinking, not data intake. The brain is accurately processing the data that is coming in, but the thinking process and conclusions are not logical, reasonable or rational.

For example, let’s say a man has a spot where he typically puts his wallet at the end of the day. He is worried that his son that comes over every day is going to take it, so he hides it. The next morning, he doesn’t remember that he hid his wallet, so when he can’t find it, he is very upset knowing that his wallet has been stolen.

Now that you have a better understanding of what delusions and hallucinations are and how they differ, what can you do when someone you are supporting is living with them?

The most important thing to remember is to avoid trying to orient them or arguing with them. Not only are these options not helpful, they can actually hurt your relationship.

Gena / Touch Matters

She is having hallucinations. Please make an appointment with a psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment.

Has mom been diagnosed with any form of dementia?
Being paranoid, hallucinations are common with some forms of dementia.
"Lying" to cover mistakes is also common although to a person with dementia it is not a "lie" it is what they perceive to be the truth. Or it is a coping mechanism to cover mistakes that they have made due to the dementia.
If she has not had a physical in a while it is time. Send a note to the doctor outlining the concerns you have. They may do a MME (mini mental exam) as a baseline and then send her for more testing.
If she is at risk of wandering it may be time to consider a move from AL to Memory Care.

People with dementia frequently misplace things and want to blame others about it. You are unfortunately believing that she is correct. This subject will be difficult to explain to her because her brain is becoming scrambled.
Sometimes they report to police or APS and the assigned POA or caregiver gets into trouble. Have you talked to her neuro specialist to start trying meds to calm her down?

Any new behaviour should be checked out. The usual culprit of UTI ruled out. Other infections can cause delerium too. Also rule out deficiencies, disease, depression. Delusions & paranoia can come with dementia.

If it is dementia sneaking up, reasong becomes less effective. Move to reassurance. That Mom is safe. That her most treasured possessions will be locked up or stored with family.

Some bring purses & costume jewellery as gifts, the real items then stored away with family.

Consider asking staff what changes they have noticed & book a medical checkup. See what you are dealing with first.

Most ALF (my brother's was one) do not allow cash in room. Doesn't stop seniors from keeping it and when my brother mistakenly filed his extra cash not between his towels but within a book he felt he KNEW who had taken it. Of course, no one had.

You have unfortunately run into the single most common thing that happens with seniors. They have lost so much that they become paranoid about loss and expect it from everywhere. They are no longer in charge of who enters their own living spaces. This is very common. You can only reassure the person that no one is taking their things.

The very sad problem occurs when things ARE taken. Seniors are easy prey, and especially because they always believe things are being taken. You aren't paranoid if it is actually HAPPENING to you. But that latter is rare.

There's unfortunately little you can do but reassure. This is hard. It is the single time I can remember raising my voice to my brother, telling him "NO ONE took your money, and if they did it is because you kept it in the room when you were told not to. I don't want you to tell me WHO took your money because I don't believe you and I know what is is like to be accused of something I didn't do." He found his money later. Was afraid to tell the admins he did because they would think him senile (had a diagnosis of probable early Lewy's dementia.

This is a dilemma I can only wish you good luck with.

What you can do is except the fact that your mom is suffering from the horrible disease of dementia and start to better educate yourself about the disease so you can be better prepared to address these issues as they arise.
You have to meet her where she is at, not where you want her to be which is in your world and not hers. They are now 2 totally different worlds and your life will be much easier if you just meet her in hers.
You can start by reading the book The 36 Hour Day, and also watch some great videos from Teepa Snow(a dementia expert)along with reading some of her books too to help you better understand this disease.
And if your mom hasn't been diagnosed yet, it's time to do just that as she has a lot of the symptoms(and obviously has it )and it will good to know what type she has as there are 100's, so the proper medication can be prescribed to help her along the way.
Dementia only gets worse, never better, so it's best understand the disease so you can give/get her the best possible care.

Get her tested for dementia and then moved into Memory Care Assisted Living if and when things get bad enough. Calming meds may help, speak to her doctor when you take her in for testing. Also rule out a UTI which can make elders act unhinged.