She has severe cognitive issues and radiation colitis, bowel incontinence which holds her back from certain activities because of bathroom issues.

At times she seems to be adjusting and when asked to join a activity, etc. she does and enjoys it. Then, she sometimes says that she does not like this type of living and does not want to be bothered to do all the things they want her to do. She says she wants to buy a car so she can go buy a house and get out of there. She said she needs a place with a bathtub and hates living just out of a bedroom. She will not take a shower and only does sponge baths. She will not wear diapers or pads for the incontinence and the laundry is overwhelming. HELP does anyone have these issues or any good advice?

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I was surprised to read that someone with incontinence would not wear Depends and would allow that to rule their activities. You just have to shrug your shoulders and say things like, That must be tough, I know you are having a hard time with that, I understand.

What we did with mthr when she would not use Depends was to take ALL her underpants home. Not even in the garbage, but home. We replaced the with Depends in her drawer and did not visit for a week or so. By the time we returned she was wearing them full time. I checked the drawers and some more panties had show up, so I removed those and spoke to staff.

The key: acknowledge how hard it is to be them and redirect their attention.
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You may be expecting too much from your mom. My mom (also with dementia) would give me excited and happy reviews of a special program she’d attented at the facility and then the next day furiously call the place a “hellhole”.

Try having the staff tell her she needs wear the briefs and DONT call them diapers. I was told this is insulting and demeaning to the person. If she has consistently loose bowels, I’d ask the doctor if anything can be done.

And as far as the getting a car and driving away, tell her she can’t drive until the doctor says it’s ok. Most of us here constantly throw the doctors under the bus. It’s ok. They more or less expect it.
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She will not be happy no matter where she is, learn to acknowledge her and change the subject.

I would remove all of her underwear and replace them with depends type garments. It is unacceptable to expect others to deal with that. She needs to be told that she has to wear them again and again and again and again until she wears them.

If she won't stop, try changing your contact with her and give her something else to obsess over.
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