Mom is high maintenance. How will she survive in memory care?

My mother is a GIGANTIC handful; just her continuous need for tissues alone is enough to drive anyone to drink. She lives in Memory Care AL too, since June of 2019, and she's doing fine and the aides are doing fine WITH her, too. They give her tissues and she puts them up her sleeve and/or in her bra! If your mother needs her pillow adjusted, she'll have to pull the cord or alert the staff in whatever manner they use at her MC, and then wait for a staff member to answer the call, EACH time she has this 'need'. That may miraculously cut down her 'needs' or else she'll just learn to wait for her needs to be met.

They put the residents on a toileting routing, normally, in MC. So they'll ask your mother every 2 hours if she needs to use the bathroom? They will establish their OWN routine with her, as they have with my difficult mother, and that is a lot of what the HUGE monthly cost is for! Don't worry too much; they put up with A LOT in MC, trust me. My mother is the equivalent of 3 residents with her nonsense and they put up with her willingly! I always thank the staff PROFUSELY whenever I go over there, too, b/c I know what they have to deal with. ((((Eyeroll))) The staff does not ignore my mother, either........what they do with the residents is they get them up and dressed by 9:30 am and into the activity room for the majority of the day; that's where they eat, socialize, watch movies, do activities, etc. The aides help all the residents (23 in total, for the most part) and it's easier that way. If a resident is on hospice, then they can stay in bed all day, o/w, they stay in the activity room.

BTW, toothpicks are a no-no in my mother's MC. Nothing pointed, sharp or potentially dangerous is allowed in MC. My mother had a meltdown over that rule, too, b/c she loooooooves her toothpicks. She got over it. You'll get a list of what they CANNOT have in their rooms once she moves in.

Wishing you the best of luck letting go of your worries and letting the staff deal with your mother!

I live in assisted living where there is memory care. From what I observe the memory care caretakers are well trained and capable of dealing with the never-ending "needs" of the patients. Do not worry - she will be taken care of and you can have peace. Trust me on this issue. Now take care of yourself and tend to YOUR needs.

It is true that nursing homes, memory care, whatever do not have the staff to cater to a person's every whim. Your mother will not be getting individualized attention in MC. It will be hard for her and a period of adjusting, but she will adapt because there's no other choice.

Forgive the tangent - what IS it with little old ladies and flipping Kleenexes? Why the overwhelming need to have one in hand the WHOLE time?

We currently have one client who has to use a stand-aid to get up from her riser-recliner and even then has great difficulty, needs two people to assist, but the one thing that really does make me want to tear my hair out is that every single time she reaches first for a tissue and clutches it in her palm. We gently remind her that she needs both hands free to grip the rail. She won't let us hold it for her, but has to tuck it in to her watch strap, where it doesn't fit because the strap is already too tight (she won't let us alter that, either). IT TAKES ALL FLIPPING NIGHT!!! Aaaaaarrrrggghhhh..!

Your mom's "high maintenance" may actually be anxiety. She feels anxious and wants people near here all the time to make her feel more comfortable. Giver her medications some time to work.

And here I thought that my mother was alone in her random obsessions with toothpicks, Kleenex tissues and brushing her teeth. She's a handful to say the least, calling my name continuously - wanting something - all.day.long. I'm taking it day by day and trying not to let myself get overwhelmed by coddling her and running to every beck and call - which I used to do and it only served to make her more spoiled and me more burned out. Some days it's like I'm Sisyphus, rolling a boulder up a hill only for it to roll down every time it's near the top.

The aides in MC do an amazing job at handling all types.

When my mother was still at home, she went through about four boxes of tissues a week. At night, she'd grab one from the bedside table, dab her nose once, then squirrel it under the pillow. My dad would find 20-30 of them under the pillow every morning, and I found at least 200 of them under the bed at one time.

When I moved Mom to MC in 2019, I brought along a Costco size package of a dozen boxes of Kleenex hoping it'd last two weeks or so. I didn't spend much time in Mom's room, so I kind of forgot about it or figured they were supplying her Kleenex habit.

When we were cleaning out her things after she died, there was the unopened package of twelve boxes right there in her closet where I'd left them. They simply didn't have them available, so the obsession with tissues was broken.

Ideally MC will keep your mom occupied with other things so she too will break those habits. She'll be in different surroundings which also tends to stop some of that OCD behavior, so don't worry that she'll be too high maintenance -- they've seen it ALL.

No, MC has limited aides too. They will not be at Moms beck and call. Same with Longterm care. There is no one on one.

Don't worry. Your mother's behavior is no unique. The MC staff have seen it all and they are familiar with every case of dementia. Rest asure that they will be able to handle your mother's case.

Like anything else some of it depends on the MC you choose, there are of course those that give them a bad name but I doubt there will less attentiveness than she is getting in AL. More to your question however, this obsessive behavior seems common and is probably another sign of dementia. Unwittingly you are probably feeding it by attending to her every need actually and the staff at any decent MC (short staffed or not) will know how to minimize this. Out of sight out of mind really does help in my experience as does distraction and I would take this move/transition as an opportunity to reset, as MJ suggests remove the tissue box and crackers. Maybe remove yourself too from her “space” visit in the communal spaces if you can at least at first, it occurs to me that maybe one of her obsessions is asking you do do things for her. It’s so hard to remember and to judge for us because it’s hard to remember their brains aren’t operating the way we are used to. Removing these things from her awareness probably won’t deprive her the way you feel it will. But even if it does at first the main thing of importance is she needs to be where she is safe and cared for properly, it sounds like that is Memory Care. If they only knew but thank goodness they don’t, the emotional turmoil we go through for them often making it all harder on us in many ways. Just keep loving her.