My Mom is having very vivid dreams that my spouse hates her and threatended to hurt her. This did NOT happen. How do I convince her? - AgingCare.com

My Mom is having very vivid dreams that my spouse hates her and threatended to hurt her. This did NOT happen. How do I convince her?

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My mother has been claiming things are happening, and some may or may not be true. I know for a fact this one is not true because she told my sister the whole story and I was apparently an onlooker when my husband threatened to kill her. she no longer will come to my home and is isolating herself further because of this. My spouse hadnt seen my mom for weeks before this event, and now she stays home too much

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You and your sister should immediately petition for Guardianship. She is a danger to herself and others. You need to notify 911 services that she is delusional and get them your contact info.
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My Mom asked me the other day, as serious as possible, why I let my Husband put her down the basement all night.
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Yes have her checked out for a UTI but could be the onset of dementia. We take care of my mom and she was wondering around the house at 3:00 AM. I woke and and said "mom it's 3:00 AM, Doug is asleep and I have to work tomorrow". Next days she tells the sitter and anyone else that I said get you a** back in the bed something I would never do. Now accusing sitter of stealing and when I show her what she has misplaced ti doesn't matter. My family who of course does little to none to help, rarely sees her, thinks she is fine and telling the truth about anything even that a women was walking in and out of her room the other night. She is the only women in the house but there is no convincing her. All that said a UTI can get them way off as well.
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My mother had the same type of dreams, sometimes she was the victim, other times she was the perpetrator of the abuse/crime. I would always ask if that could have been a dream, since I didn't remember that happening. She would say, with relief, "why, it must have been a dream!". Sometimes, reason doesn't work. When that happened I would tell her that I would deal with the offender and make sure it didn't happen again! If she was the perpetrator I would tell her not to worry, I had talked to the police and she was not under suspision. Maybe your mother just wants to know you will take care of the issue because she feels unable to deal with it herself?

My mother lived in an assisted living facility. The worst part was my worry that someone would believe her, or, even worse, she WAS being abused and I was shining her on! As far as someone believing her, most care workers, social workers, doctors, and nurses, know what is happening and are well trained enough to consider the source.

It would be great if it was a UTI or medication, because those make the problem a little more solvable, so a talk with the doctor is always a good idea. Sometimes medications build up in the elderly's system and result in bizarre symptoms.
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She is probably convinced that the delusion is true. It happens often when a person has dementia. It may happen as they build a story in their mind. Speaking it can make it true in their minds. Trying to tell them it isn't true doesn't work. Sometimes saying a positive will help dislodge the bad "memory." When she says your hubby said he wanted to kill her, say instead, "Hubby loves you. He would never want to hurt you. Don't worry." That may help to replace the bad thought with a good one. This works with my mother. Maybe your mother will forget the bad memory soon and remember only the good things said.
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People who are well and have bad dreams can generally be easily convinced they are just dreams. People with dementia or other cognitive issues may not be reasoned out of their beliefs, whether they can from a dream or a misunderstood scrap of text or a movie. It is real to them.

You haven't filled out your profile to show what impairments your mother has. For example, has she been diagnosed with dementia?

I think the best action right now would be to have her evaluated by a doctor.
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You probably can't, directly - you'd have to explain that hubby was ill or upset but it was all taken care of now and wouldn't happen again, for any plausible reason you could come up with. The medical eval and medication review is a very good thought too. Take a look at this article and comments on here: www.agingcare.com/articles/dementia-patients-confuse-facts-171466.htm?cpage=0&post=1&cm=391194&z=1#391194
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Is she on any of the dementia medications? Ask her doctor if those medications could be causing vivid night terrors. Not uncommon!
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You need to tell her doctor this information and get her in for a physical. Especially to check for a uti, which in the elderly can cause all kinds of mental status changes.
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