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Don’t tell her. If she’s ready for memory care she won’t remember much so why have that battle.

Its time for some fibbing and diverting. My mom went from the hospital directly to assisted living. We told her ITS JUST UNTIL YOU GET BETTER.

Dads short term memory was gone by then. I took him to visit mom, have lunch a couple times and told him YOU NEED TO STAY WITH MOM SO YOU CAN HELP HER.

It was still a huge rodeo for awhile but the fibs allowed me to at least get them placed and start the adjustment.

This is not easy. No elders ever volunteer to go into care. I wish you the best of luck.
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Reply to Windyridge
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Not always true about the "white lies", Windyridge is correct. My mom went from the hospital, back home for about a month and a half. We told her it was until she got better and stronger. If there are memory issues, they will not recall how long they have been there and safety is the most important. Falling & hygiene were the 2 biggies for my mom. She is cared for daily, meals & activities.

There will be confrontations when you visit & sometimes my mom even tells me to get out, just keep going back. It is their frustrations coming out, not at you, but at the situation. You are the one there, so it gets taken out on you.

Even though they say "how could you do this to me", know that you deserve a life too and are trying to do the best for everyone. It is gut wrenching at times, but stay strong, mom needs you! xo
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Reply to Gerip1092
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Both my parents are in memory care.. and I would have never gotten them there without some creative fibbing. No one is excited to go to a higher level of care facility..no matter how needed it is or how nice it is. With dementia, they had no ability to reason as to why they couldn't live independently any longer. .. any discussion I had with them on the subject would have been quickly forgotten.

I am not going to lie to you tho.. it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life..it was heart wrenching and stressful..... and almost a year and a half later... I still feel the affects of it.

It does get somewhat easier as time goes on.. good luck to you!
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vickyl Jan 21, 2019
hi, my name is vicky and I just wanted to say thanks for your response. my mother is 94 and in pretty good health but over the last year has been diagnosed with cognitive memory problems and we have been on a roller coaster ride most of the time. sad & crying, aggressive ugly behavior sometimes and I am an only child so I've been the only one dealing with the issue and things seem to be getting worse and I really don't know how to handle things, knowing mother right now she will never accept going to any kind of facility but I know probably sooner than later I will have to make some tough decisions. so I can feel your stress and heartache. will remember you in my prayers. God Bless.
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Depending on the severity of your mom's condition, I agree that some little white lies and maybe over simplification of the situation could be in order.

I guess you need to get your "story" ready. What will you say to get her in the car? To get her to go in? To stay? Going to be really tough, but being prepared will be very helpful.

Maybe blame one of her doctors? "The doctor said you need to stay here so these nice people can help you" type of thing? "I know you don't want to be here, but the doctor said it's for the best." I have no idea if that will work but you'll come up with something.
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Reply to againx100
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We told Mom she was going to a new apartment. That she would make new friends and have things to do.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Thank you to everyone who replied. I think it is hardest on me... I don't like the fibs but I know it is best. SHE WOULD NEVER GO if we just suggested it. The Doctor has told us it is past due. We have to take the dog away from her too and this will break her heart. I'm most worried about how she will react after she is in and realizes what has happened. She has some days that seem normal to me, but the Doc assures me that she is masking her symptoms. She was a psych nurse for 20 years.
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We told Mom she was going somewhere where she could get more attention and care. She said, oh thank you so much, that is what I have been wanting! Who knew? The only thing she remarked on is that she wished there was a door that went in and out but that some people there needed that.
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Reply to dwilkrn
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I was able to tell my brother that he was going to rehabilitation. He was in and out of the hospital for years with leg wounds that won't heal. So, he was conditioned to being in that setting when discharged from the hospital. I still went through all the guilt.
While he was able, I would take him out for a drive, ice cream, lunch and he would be thrilled. Now, I can't do that and feel terrible, but he is SAFE. That is the most important thing to keep reminding yourself. It doesn't take all your pain and anxiety away, but it puts on a milder simmer. God Bless
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Reply to montanacmm
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I have a suggestion to ease her pain in having to give up her dog. As a dog-lover who has had to live in a situation where no dogs are allowed, I found that a stuffed dog of the breed I most recently owned was surprisingly comforting. You might even try one of those that breathes like a real dog.
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Toadhall Feb 5, 2019
I've seem very close attachments to stuffed animals formed by people in memory care. They're soft and furry-very comforting.
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Sit Mom Down and Explain Easy to Her about this. You can sort of "Sugar Coat it" So she Knows it is best for her out of Love from You.
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