Don’t tell her. If she’s ready for memory care she won’t remember much so why have that battle.
Its time for some fibbing and diverting. My mom went from the hospital directly to assisted living. We told her ITS JUST UNTIL YOU GET BETTER.
Dads short term memory was gone by then. I took him to visit mom, have lunch a couple times and told him YOU NEED TO STAY WITH MOM SO YOU CAN HELP HER.
It was still a huge rodeo for awhile but the fibs allowed me to at least get them placed and start the adjustment.
This is not easy. No elders ever volunteer to go into care. I wish you the best of luck.
Both my parents are in memory care.. and I would have never gotten them there without some creative fibbing. No one is excited to go to a higher level of care facility..no matter how needed it is or how nice it is. With dementia, they had no ability to reason as to why they couldn't live independently any longer. .. any discussion I had with them on the subject would have been quickly forgotten.
I am not going to lie to you tho.. it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life..it was heart wrenching and stressful..... and almost a year and a half later... I still feel the affects of it.
It does get somewhat easier as time goes on.. good luck to you!
hi, my name is vicky and I just wanted to say thanks for your response. my mother is 94 and in pretty good health but over the last year has been diagnosed with cognitive memory problems and we have been on a roller coaster ride most of the time. sad & crying, aggressive ugly behavior sometimes and I am an only child so I've been the only one dealing with the issue and things seem to be getting worse and I really don't know how to handle things, knowing mother right now she will never accept going to any kind of facility but I know probably sooner than later I will have to make some tough decisions. so I can feel your stress and heartache. will remember you in my prayers. God Bless.
Not always true about the "white lies", Windyridge is correct. My mom went from the hospital, back home for about a month and a half. We told her it was until she got better and stronger. If there are memory issues, they will not recall how long they have been there and safety is the most important. Falling & hygiene were the 2 biggies for my mom. She is cared for daily, meals & activities.
There will be confrontations when you visit & sometimes my mom even tells me to get out, just keep going back. It is their frustrations coming out, not at you, but at the situation. You are the one there, so it gets taken out on you.
Even though they say "how could you do this to me", know that you deserve a life too and are trying to do the best for everyone. It is gut wrenching at times, but stay strong, mom needs you! xo
Depending on the severity of your mom's condition, I agree that some little white lies and maybe over simplification of the situation could be in order.
I guess you need to get your "story" ready. What will you say to get her in the car? To get her to go in? To stay? Going to be really tough, but being prepared will be very helpful.
Maybe blame one of her doctors? "The doctor said you need to stay here so these nice people can help you" type of thing? "I know you don't want to be here, but the doctor said it's for the best." I have no idea if that will work but you'll come up with something.
Thank you to everyone who replied. I think it is hardest on me... I don't like the fibs but I know it is best. SHE WOULD NEVER GO if we just suggested it. The Doctor has told us it is past due. We have to take the dog away from her too and this will break her heart. I'm most worried about how she will react after she is in and realizes what has happened. She has some days that seem normal to me, but the Doc assures me that she is masking her symptoms. She was a psych nurse for 20 years.
We told Mom she was going somewhere where she could get more attention and care. She said, oh thank you so much, that is what I have been wanting! Who knew? The only thing she remarked on is that she wished there was a door that went in and out but that some people there needed that.
I was able to tell my brother that he was going to rehabilitation. He was in and out of the hospital for years with leg wounds that won't heal. So, he was conditioned to being in that setting when discharged from the hospital. I still went through all the guilt. While he was able, I would take him out for a drive, ice cream, lunch and he would be thrilled. Now, I can't do that and feel terrible, but he is SAFE. That is the most important thing to keep reminding yourself. It doesn't take all your pain and anxiety away, but it puts on a milder simmer. God Bless
I have a suggestion to ease her pain in having to give up her dog. As a dog-lover who has had to live in a situation where no dogs are allowed, I found that a stuffed dog of the breed I most recently owned was surprisingly comforting. You might even try one of those that breathes like a real dog.
Glad to hear that the transition went well! BIG sigh of relief for you!
I have suggested similar "methods" before... work needs to be done, and with their often limited sense of time, one can just keep putting the "repairs" off. Prior to mom's injury I had suggested my brother mess with the temperature (he installed a Nest thermostat, which he could monitor/adjust remotely.) Make it too hot, then too cold, then just tell her it's near/is winter, we need to fix it but you'll need to move while the work is done. Defer when she asks - waiting for parts, delay in work, etc. He went with the phony hospital letter instead. The funniest part? The heating system DID die!!! Fortunately she was already out, so it didn't impact her, but it was late fall, so we had to get it done ASAP before winter.
Blaming doctors is also another good method - then they can direct some of their anger or resentment at the doc, not you!
"After we got her out we discovered that the home does have some significant issues that we are now addressing, but it will take months if not more than a year to repair as we are doing it on our weekends and vacation holidays." Oh I can relate! It is about 1.5 hour each way for me to mom's old condo. One brother working, the other not local, so who gets to arrange all the moving and repairs, meaning 3 hours travel and hours for whatever is being done, sucked up way too many days! Having taken over finances and other "help" for her back in 2015, it is now going on 4 years. Takes away time for stuff I need or want to do, often interrupting plans to get something done (call from facility, need to address it.) It took us over a year and a half to get the condo cleared/cleaned out and fixed before we could sell it! Even after sale I get all the work figuring out/dealing with how we handle the capital gains (living trust, so %age went to each of us, we put our share back into the trust for her.) I also am the one who visits most, handles appointments, gets needed supplies, manages the finances, etc. In addition, a lot of her crap ended up at my house (WHY ME???) I had plans to go through my own stuff, once all the needed fixing of this place I bought gets done, weed out stuff so my kids won't have to deal with it all and now I have MORE crap to deal with! Fixing my place has delays due to lack of time, money and no reliable help!
Also great to hear that she isn't overly distraught losing her pup! Any chance of a visit? We can bring one of my daughter's dogs in, provided we show rabies cert. If it would distress your mom, then no, don't. If it might please her to visit, see if the facility will allow it. If she wants the dog to stay after that visit, the old vet excuse - we have appointment tomorrow, have to get her ready!
"Her dementia had caused her to never want to leave the house except for doctor visits." Can relate there too. Mom was self-isolating herself. Less and less often would she go to the senior center for events with the other ladies (they used to all go with bells on, but mom started to make excuses not to go there or to the doctor.) Even now when I show up to take her to an appointment, I get the usual litany: "Oh god. Do I have to go? Why do I have to go? I'm fine, I don't need this." etc. Something that sometimes helps is to mark it on a pocket calendar I got for her (the full size one disappeared!) If she balks, then I have to play mom to mom and just say "comon' get your coat on, we have to go!"
Well, hoping for many years of contentment for you and your mom!
Thank you. It is good to know I am not alone. That others have gone through this. I heard, but wouldn't believe it that she would adjust in 2 weeks. She has completely adjusted and loves her many activities. Thank you again for your support.
Its time for some fibbing and diverting. My mom went from the hospital directly to assisted living. We told her ITS JUST UNTIL YOU GET BETTER.
Dads short term memory was gone by then. I took him to visit mom, have lunch a couple times and told him YOU NEED TO STAY WITH MOM SO YOU CAN HELP HER.
It was still a huge rodeo for awhile but the fibs allowed me to at least get them placed and start the adjustment.
This is not easy. No elders ever volunteer to go into care. I wish you the best of luck.
I am not going to lie to you tho.. it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life..it was heart wrenching and stressful..... and almost a year and a half later... I still feel the affects of it.
It does get somewhat easier as time goes on.. good luck to you!
There will be confrontations when you visit & sometimes my mom even tells me to get out, just keep going back. It is their frustrations coming out, not at you, but at the situation. You are the one there, so it gets taken out on you.
Even though they say "how could you do this to me", know that you deserve a life too and are trying to do the best for everyone. It is gut wrenching at times, but stay strong, mom needs you! xo
I guess you need to get your "story" ready. What will you say to get her in the car? To get her to go in? To stay? Going to be really tough, but being prepared will be very helpful.
Maybe blame one of her doctors? "The doctor said you need to stay here so these nice people can help you" type of thing? "I know you don't want to be here, but the doctor said it's for the best." I have no idea if that will work but you'll come up with something.
While he was able, I would take him out for a drive, ice cream, lunch and he would be thrilled. Now, I can't do that and feel terrible, but he is SAFE. That is the most important thing to keep reminding yourself. It doesn't take all your pain and anxiety away, but it puts on a milder simmer. God Bless
AHA! The phony letter trick!
Glad to hear that the transition went well! BIG sigh of relief for you!
I have suggested similar "methods" before... work needs to be done, and with their often limited sense of time, one can just keep putting the "repairs" off. Prior to mom's injury I had suggested my brother mess with the temperature (he installed a Nest thermostat, which he could monitor/adjust remotely.) Make it too hot, then too cold, then just tell her it's near/is winter, we need to fix it but you'll need to move while the work is done. Defer when she asks - waiting for parts, delay in work, etc. He went with the phony hospital letter instead. The funniest part? The heating system DID die!!! Fortunately she was already out, so it didn't impact her, but it was late fall, so we had to get it done ASAP before winter.
Blaming doctors is also another good method - then they can direct some of their anger or resentment at the doc, not you!
"After we got her out we discovered that the home does have some significant issues that we are now addressing, but it will take months if not more than a year to repair as we are doing it on our weekends and vacation holidays."
Oh I can relate! It is about 1.5 hour each way for me to mom's old condo. One brother working, the other not local, so who gets to arrange all the moving and repairs, meaning 3 hours travel and hours for whatever is being done, sucked up way too many days! Having taken over finances and other "help" for her back in 2015, it is now going on 4 years. Takes away time for stuff I need or want to do, often interrupting plans to get something done (call from facility, need to address it.) It took us over a year and a half to get the condo cleared/cleaned out and fixed before we could sell it! Even after sale I get all the work figuring out/dealing with how we handle the capital gains (living trust, so %age went to each of us, we put our share back into the trust for her.) I also am the one who visits most, handles appointments, gets needed supplies, manages the finances, etc. In addition, a lot of her crap ended up at my house (WHY ME???) I had plans to go through my own stuff, once all the needed fixing of this place I bought gets done, weed out stuff so my kids won't have to deal with it all and now I have MORE crap to deal with! Fixing my place has delays due to lack of time, money and no reliable help!
Also great to hear that she isn't overly distraught losing her pup! Any chance of a visit? We can bring one of my daughter's dogs in, provided we show rabies cert. If it would distress your mom, then no, don't. If it might please her to visit, see if the facility will allow it. If she wants the dog to stay after that visit, the old vet excuse - we have appointment tomorrow, have to get her ready!
"Her dementia had caused her to never want to leave the house except for doctor visits."
Can relate there too. Mom was self-isolating herself. Less and less often would she go to the senior center for events with the other ladies (they used to all go with bells on, but mom started to make excuses not to go there or to the doctor.) Even now when I show up to take her to an appointment, I get the usual litany: "Oh god. Do I have to go? Why do I have to go? I'm fine, I don't need this." etc. Something that sometimes helps is to mark it on a pocket calendar I got for her (the full size one disappeared!) If she balks, then I have to play mom to mom and just say "comon' get your coat on, we have to go!"
Well, hoping for many years of contentment for you and your mom!
Thank you again for your support.