Mom is getting worse and we are arguing more and more.

guess I am quite scattered. how do I go about getting help?

Can you give a little more information about your moms condition - medical issues, dementia? Where was your mother living prior to you bringing her home? Were you living in your moms house while she was elsewhere? How old is your mother? How old are you? How long has your mom been back?

It's nearly impossible for one person to provide care after a certain point in time - I did it for more than 8 years with next to no outside help all while working 50+ hours a week - mom is now in a memory care facility and I'm still the only family member who oversees her care and provides financial support

Sounds like you may have brought mom home from a hospital stay? Is she getting better at home? Unfortunately things tend to only go in one direction even if they hold steady for a year or two

If she does require 24/7 care then you need to gather your siblings and collectively come up with a plan - this doesn't mean they will help you though - be prepared to use whatever assets mom has for her care - they are her assets and not your inheritance - if she needs to go into a facility then look into Medicaid if she has no assets

my siblings are some 16-18 years older than me and collecting pensions and will likely soon need eldercare themselves - they offer neither time nor money and truth be told probably don't care about either mom or me

If mom is doing okay at home but is just difficult then that goes with the territory - if you can't find a way to live together in harmony then the situation needs to change

Let us know more -

I hope you will answer Rainmom's questions, so we have more to go on in trying to offer constructive suggestions.

Was her husband a Veteran? If he was, then you can probably get VA money, that money will help take care of her and you can save her home or assets. I can give you a contact that will help you get through the paperwork. Expect to wait about six months to hear back from the VA. If she qualifies, she could get around $1300 a month. Then add on SS and she could have almost enough to pay for a nursing home.
yOU are experiencing burn-out. This is when you start to suffer from the stress of taking care of your parent. In addition to physical exhaustion, you are experiencing lack of any nourishment emotionally. So the people around you are sucking the life out of you. It is not a good place to be. Time to take care of yourself because they don't care. Go to your Doctor and tell him what is going on first, then have him check you. Find a therapist to help you, or anything, anyone who gives you emotional support. Get the information on the VA. I Will give you a contact to help you get the paperwork done.

The question of how to provide for her care and give you a life is age old and difficult. Make sure to give yourself some legal pull by obtaining power of attorney over her care and assets. Then i would look into finding a smaller and easier place for the two of you to live. I would then rent her home to someone who is interested in maintaining it and assisting you with her care in return for a discount on the rent. Hopefully, you can rent it for enough money to cover any mortgage expense even with the discount. Another option is to sell her place and use the money for a caregiver that you hire to come to a smaller place that the two of you share. I have found that other family members are great at offering advice and criticism but no good at giving any other assistance. If you relocate, make sure the new place is in your name too. Then you can say "my house, my rules". Then get a job and take an online course to pursue your MA. You can utilize the hours contributed to her care by the hired caregiver to acheive these goals. This arrangement has worked well for me with the the care of my 96 year old mother. And don't let yourself feel guilty... my mom and i had been fighting for control well before she reached this age! Good luck!

You need a break.
Is there any way that you can have your siblings each take 1 or 2 days a week and help you out so you can get away. And it can be one sibling 1 week the next the following week. That would help you a lot and give them insight as to what you are dealing with.
Have you talked to your Mothers Doctors about the agitation? Is she on medications?
By the way where did you bring her home from? Was she in an Assisted Living facility? Or Rehab? Quite often when a person with dementia says "I want to go home" it is not a physical home they want to return to. They want to return to a time when they were safe and well. "Home" represents "safe and well" so they keep saying I want to go home. All you can do is reassure her that she is safe.
Another piece of advice for you do not argue. You will never "win" and you both end up frustrated. And the most frustrating thing if she has dementia she will not remember and you will.
You did not fully explain the diagnosis and where she was prior to you bringing her home and that bit of info might help get better answers.
If you are a member of a church you might be able to get volunteers to come in and help. There are also Senior Volunteer agencies that have volunteers that will come in and sit with your Mom, read, play cards, watch a movie so you can get out.

I agree with Jacksam. You need to get power of attorney. It would help also if you could get her to let you co-sign on checks, that way she will not feel like she has lost control but you can start paying the bills before she becomes forgetful. I do wonder if you can find someone who will pay rent and help you though. that might be a lot of hassle and finding someone who would be compatible/reliable,etc. could be a nightmare. Offering a house up for rent also entails repairs to your house and damages if the renter is a bad renter. It could put you in more stress if they do not take care of your mother's home. When you look into the power of attorney, you will need a lawyer, he could advise you on putting your mothers home in your name as a dual owner. This will piss off your siblings, but it would protect the home if there is any worry about losing the home from health care bills. Look into this. The Will for your mother would take over in terms of who gets what, and you would have to have it redrawn to state what happens in terms of the assets home under the rights of survivorship. I would also talk to your mother and lawyer about your rights. You can make a deal with your mother and tell her, look, I am devoting a part of my life to you to help you and in this period I am denied the ability to further my career, etc. I want a deal where I get the home or I get this share in trade for my help. If it is drawn up legally then your siblings will have less cause to fight you later and say you freeloaded off her. You are not freeloading, believe me, I have been there. I would have preferred to have left and lived poor. Instead I went through hell for 2 years dealing with a horrible mother who nearly killed me.
Anyways, we are all adults, and adults can talk about situations, no one needs to feel that they are indentured servants or they have to make up for past indiscretions, etc. This is reality, if you hired someone to come take care of her, believe me, it would not be cheap.

Speaking from experience..You sound like you r trying way too hard to please everyone..we all have our beaking point and it sounds like yours' is close by. My advice is to speak with a therapist..I know alot of people don't like the idea and I was not too crazy about it either, but it helps...alot..My mother and I purchased a home together 5 years ago when my 22 year marriage ended. She now has dementia and is becoming mean and hurtful...and spiteful. My 24 year old son lives with us as well and he is a Godsend, but feels caught in the middle. It's a real cluster (you know what). My point is, you have to do you first..If that sounds selfish, it is NOT. Your brothers won't help , which is selfish on their part. Stay in school, graduate and be vigilant with your studies. Become the woman you dream of becoming so you can be financily stable, and speak with a therapist...

1misfit, your mother has a lot of power in your relationship because she holds the purse strings. The first step I see that would help you is to find a job so that you are bringing in your own income. Having to depend on someone else for your living takes away all your power and exposes you to talk from others around you. You need to take some of that power back. We can only be caregivers if we are financially able to afford to do it. Otherwise we get lost. I don't know what you were doing before you brought your mother home, but I have a feeling you need to get back out in the world and earn some money. Unless you have a comfortable nest egg already, it is the only thing that makes long-term sense.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

It is hard but if a dog can understand boundaries, rules, and limitations, so can an adult.

We have to set the rules!

You said it yourself: You brought your mother home without thinking it through. Your brothers didn't agree to be caregivers. You need to find a solution that does not involve your brothers.

Did you bring your mom home from a nursing home or what?

Rule number one in caring for a person living with dementia is NEVER ARGUE. I repeat, never argue and forget about setting limits. Let it go in one ear and out the other. Trust me, the verbal and physical aggression eventually gets very difficult to handle. You are just beginning in this journey. If you decide to continue, please do yourself a favor and read the top five books recommended on Amazon on this subject. Then read just as much on the Internet. When you search on a subject, add an English speaking country. e.g. UK, Canada, Australia, to get a good prospective on that particular subject. When you know what you'll be facing in the future, you'll be more confident and competent in your skill set and clear need for necessary outside help. After reading and learning, if you decide to continue, get the POA's done first, one for health care and a different one for financials. Use an attorney, and update the will for everything to be split 1/3 equally with you the sole executor. If this can't be worked out to your satisfaction, take the first train out of town and work your way through whatever training or education you choose in your life.

the worst part of your story is that you are dependent on your mom financially. that gives your mom lots of power over you! can you get out of there??? don't keep thinking that your brothers will step in and help you because they won't! this is a problem for many siblings...one does all the work...the others don't understand how much work that is!!! and...they will never understand unless they live there and care for your mom 24/7! good luck...keep us informed.

I'm sorry for what you are experiencing with your family. I recommend two books: Rolr Reversal by Iris Waichler, and Thr Space Between: A Memoir of Mother-Daughter Love at the End of Life by Virginia A. Simpson

Im in the same boat.... moved back in to help, no family or anyone to help, her house her rules doesnt matter I'm 40 plus years old responsible adult... Its driven me to the point of insanity... I've had to sit down several times and explain I'm an adult , etc, etc... I try to get out as much as i can... and when not busy at work and taking care of her (transporting, shopping,etc) i try to stay busy with things that make me happy... I would be infuriated if i had close family that judge and won't help out..I wish i had magic answer but I feel your pain... It sucks...

My brother did that judging from the outside thing once, and I responded, "You don't have a right to comment on how I'm doing this if you standing on the outside and not doing anything to help". Fortunately, he responded well, saying, "I had a feeling you might say that", and we talked about what he could do that would be helpful, and he stepped up to the plate after that. If he had not responded well, I would have reiterated my position, and refused to let him make any more judgments, something like, "I'm sorry, I love you, and I would love to have your input, but only if you are also involved in mom's care. This is your mom too, so you owe her that as much as I do." And after that, if they insist on judging without helping, it's a "Talk to the hand" kind of thing, and refusing to get sucked into any more discussion until you see some change in their behavior. I hope this helps!

Also, there is an organization that helps with the application process if the deceased spouse was a vet, and they speed up the process so it can take only a month or less. Then they pay for a caregiver (as a no-interest loan) until the VA approves the application and begins paying. We qualified for 40 hours of caregiving per month, which is not a lot, but it has been a lifesaver for me. Others may qualify for more, you just have to look into it. The organization is Veteran's Home Care. Everything is streamlined and there is a minimum of stress on your part.

1misfit: First and foremost, BIG SHOUT OUTS AND HUGS TO YOU! Bravo! You are taking on what seems like an impossible task. I will tell you in my experience of caregiving for my late mother that #1 the caregiving usually falls on one person, #2 the caregiver is usually (but not always) a female, #3 you WILL need respite, else YOU fall ill from the stress of caregiving, #4 caregiving is an emotional rollercoaster ride and #5 WE, THIS forum are here to guide or assist you with direction and encouraging words. God bless you! And I will tell you that elders complain... a LOT...or act like stubborn 2-year olds...and can drive you crazy and a big IF here IF YOU LET THEM! Your respite will be going to school and good for you!

Oh, how many of us have fallen for the "I want to go home" insisting they will only be happy there. Well, the reality is that the bad attitude comes home with them.
1misfit, your brothers are punishing you for thinking with your heart instead of your head. So get Mom back to the nursing home and get on with your life. She will try to make you feel guilty. Ignore the guilt card.

Omg. You are a good person and you should not let your brothers tell you otherwise. I moved back to Maine from Florida to care for my Mom. I have a brother in Chicago who provides no support. I can't believe my husband has not left me as we are going through h3ll. My brother tells me I got myself into this. My point is anyone who is a caregiver is a special person yet we are always putting up with abused. I say give your brothers a turn at it and see how long they last.

It appears the OP has left the building.

Interesting worthwhile discussion, anyway.

Without a few of the missing details I think it's hard to determine what is really going on. Based on what was said I kinda think the brother is getting a bum rap. The OP says she acted without thinking it through. Then says the brother is giving her "I told you so" attitude. So I'm wondering - IF the mom was already in a nursing home getting care, IF the brother tried to discourage the OP from taking mom home - perhaps warning the OP how difficult it would be and/or told her he couldn't/wouldn't help because he is burnt out, worn out, feels mom is best cared for where she is based on her needs, he just can't do it for whatever his reason was - and OP took mom home against his advice anyhow - I don't see why he should be on the hook to help now that the OP has found its harder than she thought - or rather didn't think - it would be. Sure it would be great if brother said "sorry sis, you made a mistake based on good intentions- I'll take mom this weekend" but often doesn't work like that with sibling without this type of situation. The OP admits a life of being mixed up and poor choices - maybe this is just one more to the brothers - and like I said- IF mom was already in a nursing home being cared for - well, this is kind of a big one with ramifications for everyone involved - especially the mom who may suffer the consequences the most. Reading the lines and between the lines I suspect the OP thought she could take care of her mom at home, thought she could care for
Mom - save some money and go to school. She took her mom home against her bothers advice/warning/wishes. Now has found its harder than expected and school is out of the picture. Wants brothers to help but they are sitting back saying "I told you so". Not a great attitude but probably a typical one. HOWEVER- this is all total speculation and conjecture without knowing the details - so who really knows. But yea, it does make for an interesting discussion.

Sometimes you must explore your options, especially if there's only more problems with you being around. What you describe sounds somewhat like my foster dad. It seems like as long as I was around there were times when he threw a fit. I learned that sometimes it's actually better to let it run its course until he cools down and becomes his normal self again.
However, in the situation where you actually live there, sometimes you just need to get away from the situation. Sometimes there's just no other choice. In your case it may actually be better to leave since no one else is helping. I wouldn't think so much on the patients feelings as much as your sanity and well-being. It sounds to me like as long is the patient is going to make your life hard, you may just as well leave so that you don't have an anger explosion later. Sometimes when you go to see someone in a nursing home and they get upset, leaving is actually encouraged. If the patient won't appreciate you, you may just as well leave and move back on your own.
I personally would definitely wash my hands of the whole situation in your case. What I would do is let whatever is going to happen unfold and happen on its own. I don't know if the patient has dementia, but if she doesn't, then she's still competent enough to make her own decisions, even if they're bad ones.
Sometimes face situations where you have no other choice but to step back and watch things happen. Yes, sometimes you just have to step back since in sunset your way since this is your only option when there are no other options. It doesn't mean you don't love the person, but sometimes we must let them learn from their own mistakes. We can't baby them, they must learn even if they must be hurt in the process of learning their lessons.
Sometimes people don't appreciate what we do until we stop doing them. It sounds to me like you're probably under appreciated or even unappreciated, and you'll probably have to just step back at least for now. Don't let her run your life, you have your own life and she has hers. As long as she's paying the rent or mortgage, then yes, she has the say on what happens in her home. Don't despair, this is legally her right, even if it's not morally right. Legally there's not much you can do if she's still competent, and sometimes you must love your love ones from a distance, I learned a very similar lesson from some toxic, indifferent people who really didn't care. Believe me, this was a slap to the face. Even though it wasn't physical, it felt like it. It didn't stop me from loving them but it took me years after word before God put it in my heart to cut off the relationship and leave them behind. You didn't say not to love them, but I know I must now love them from a distance.
Sometimes you just need to step back and see the big picture you wouldn't otherwise see without stepping back. You can't see the big picture if you're right on top of it, it takes stepping back in order to see the whole picture. It sounds to me like this would be good for you to just step back and see the whole big picture. Stepping back to see the big picture would be good for you because then you'll have a chance to reflect. You just need time away from her because you need time to reflect and to heal. Stepping back for a while will also give you time to journal about all that comes to your mind because you most likely have things that need addressed. There are probably some things that you just can't say to her face that you can only say in her journal. I had to journal to someone who sense died because there was so much I just couldn't say to his face when he was living. This was a narcissist I knew, and you just can't argue with a narcissist and expect to win. Narcissists find ways around your boundaries and they don't take no for an answer. I was just thinking of a situation where he wanted to see something with my iPad, and it was with my game. I had set a boundary and said no that I don't want anyone messing with my iPad, especially my tiny village game. He kept demanding access to my iPad but I kept firmly standing my ground and saying no. I wasn't trying to be mean but I have boundaries where my iPad is involved. Lo and behold he wouldn't take no for an answer and somehow he used some kind of hacker skills and found out my IP address and he hacked my game and transferred my game to his device before transferring it back. He said this was all he was trying to do because he was trying to practice transferring games to other devices. I told him I didn't want to participate but he didn't take no for an answer and he hacked me and forced his will on me. I eventually told the game's owners what happened, but I'm not sure what they did on their end. In the end though, I was able to gain 3000 or more crystals as a reward for protecting someone else's game that accidentally ended up on my device.
As for your mom though, it sounds to me like she's a narcissist, something about her som

As for your mom though, it sounds to me like she's a narcissist, something about her somehow sounds very familiar from your description, because narcissists can either be covert or overt. I think it would be a very good idea for you to take a break and move out for your own sanity and well-being. You can block her number if she tries calling you. Another thing you can do if blocking is not an option if the software doesn't have it, you can put your other numbers on a different phone and leave one separate phone for only her number. You don't have to let her abuse you, you can say no no to oh no. They say misery loves company, but you don't have to join her

Just be patient, take a breath, don't say a word, and smile when she starts to argue. It works for me, my mom calms down and we have a conversation.
I totally understand where you are at. I did the same nearly one year ago. I promised mom I would care for her and not send her to a nursing home except if it gets to the point I cannot provide her the care she deserves. I quit my job and now care for her 7/24. My sister says mom is not that bad off that I needed to do this and my brother lives over 200 miles away. Sis is no help and bro helps when he can. Lucky for me she is still very mobile and alert and can still care for herself. I mainly drive her everywhere, take her to doctor appts, cook, clean, and help her balance and write checks to pay bills, read her mail to her, etc. Since she covers all the bills I too feel like she controls me. We have started to argue. I think at the beginning it was the "honeymoon" period where we both were adjusting to each other and were on our best behavior. I told her I was going to get a part time job to help with expenses and to have some spending $ and she said, "NO!" She would not allow it, if I was to stay with her I had to be available at all times. She finally gave me "permission" to get a part time job.
Don't expect others to help, you can ask, but don't depend on getting any. I do give credit to my brother, he does comes down once every few months to help when we ask.

First, I would advice you to contact an Elder Care Lawyer and see if your mother would agree to you becoming her POA. If she is skeptical, the lawyer will be able to make her understand how important it is for her and your protection. You will need to eventually do this anyway as she is gets older and more forgetful, plus this gives you legal rights in case your brothers decide to try to make problems and don't think they won't, because in the end, it is all about the money, or material things! Besides, not many men can handle what it takes to be a caregiver, especially once your mother will need help with bathing, dressing, toileting, etc. I was my godmother's, ( who was my mom my whole life), caregiver for 8 years, she was 80 at the time in 2008, and I was 53. I hurt my back as a nurse in 1986 and 5 years ago from my injury and being diagnosed with fibromylagia, I had to go on SS Disability. After she had a bad experience with her brother who was then her POA, she was afraid he would not follow her wishes and with the advice from her lawyer, she asked me, and I became her POA in 2011. My partner, who is also a disabled vet from the Vietnam War had to go on Disability in 2007 and under our Dr's advise to get away from the northeast winters, we decided to move to FL in 2013. The only way I would go, if my godmother would move with us, as we did not trust her family to take care of her. She did not hesitate to come and was very excited. I am so glad she did this with us as the first year, we had so much fun together, taking her to different places, going out to dinners, to the beach, going to my granddaughter's school plays, band & choir concerts, etc. I started noticing a difference in her starting in the early part of 2015, she was forgetting things more often, she was using a walker already, but I noticed she was having more problems walking and easily becoming more tired and she needed help to take a shower and even oversee her with toileting. With my health issues, I knew I needed help, so we found a private duty CNA who came in for 2-3 hrs in the morning to help with her bathing and dressing, and would stay longer if needed for my partner and I to be able to go out and get away for awhile. Slowly, we all noticed she was getting worse and the doctor kept telling me she would probably not be here, if we were not giving her the good loving care that we were. Then in early Oct, 2015 she had a stroke at home, she was in the hospital for a week then went to rehab for another week. When she came home I needed our nurse there almost all day, and then we brought in another lady who helped me at night to wash her and put her to bed. The Holidays were very hard, as I knew that this would be our last Christmas together, and since coming home from the hospital, she kept having more TIA's (mini strokes), which made her more weaker. Also because of the dementia, the last year, she was having problems sleeping and would have me up 3-4 times a night, shouting out that there were people in her room, or trying to get up out of bed, which she did fall a few times. We were using a baby monitor, so I could hear her at night and then even purchased a bed pad alarm so if she tried to get up the alarm would go off. She became very incontinent after her stroke, both with urine and bowels, and was having more accidents in her depends and pads, then luck taking her to the bathroom, which made it very hard for us to try to change and clean her. I would pray all the time for God to guide me and give me strength to continue to take care of her at home. Thank God, I was given that guidance and the loving help I had with the 2 women who faithfully came every day!! I lost my mom on February 15th of this year and no matter how much my heart hurts, I know she is no longer suffering and she is in a better place with God and her family that past before! I am sorry this is so long, but you need to realize how hard and stressful it is to take care of an elderly person whose health is failing! If you think you will be able to do it on your own, without someone else to help you, you are kidding yourself! Does your mother have the financial means to have someone come in to help you? If not, you will need to contact your local Social Services Dept. to see what programs are out there to help you, especially since you know you will not be receiving any help from your brothers. I do not want to discourage you, but you need to know the truthful facts! If you need to go to school now, you might consider doing online courses, otherwise, I do not see how you will manage. Whatever you decide, I want to wish you all the best, blessings and prayers to you!!

You need to take care of yourself first. That is not being selfish. My mom has paranoia dementia. Thank God my sister and I are assisting in this matter together. Try to see if your mom qualifies to have a home attendant who will be able to assist with all the necessity for example cooking, cleaning, maybe assisting in bathing etc... for your mom. If she can obtain these services it will greatly help you. Find out with Medicare what she qualifies for. Does she qualify for Medicaid along with Medicare?? My sister and I both have Medical Power of Attorney. Try to obtain that. All this might take a lot of phone calls; however, you need to know what services your mom can qualify for so that you can have your life back. Try not to allow the negative comments of your brother affect you. You know in your heart that you love your mother dearly just as they do and that you are doing your best. It is not easy, but please take care of yourself. You should still have a life. Go back to school. Take time for yourself. I will keep you in my thoughts. Please let us know how things turn out.