Mom is getting mean and angry at us when we try to have her do hygiene things?

At some point, a caregiver needs to give up listening to what a dementia victim says.

”Mean” talk from her is the product of a damaged brain. It does not reflect on what your mother thought about you or how much she loved you before her brain functioning began to deteriorate.

So with that out of the way, you will TELL HER (DO NOT ASK HER “IF SHE WANTS SOME HELP”. - She will say NO) that you will help her OR have someone come into her home to help her. If she is able to make a lucid choice this may work for a while.

There are medications that can be used to modify negative behavior, but living by herself, the risk of falls may increase if they are tried.

Remember- you may find that NO options are very good, in which case try to come up with something at least a little better than what she’s doing now.

Some folks have had good luck with hiring an aide to come in and help with showering/bathing their loved ones, as the patient tends to listen better to outside help over family members. However, it really sounds like your mom doesn't need to be living alone, even though you say that you are there 6-8 hours a day. What about the other 16-18 hours? A person with dementia, living by themselves, is an accident waiting to happen. And the fact that she is digging her poop out of her butt, and then putting her hands in her mouth to pick imaginary strings out of it, is a huge health concern as well. It's probably time to be looking for a facility for mom to be placed in, where she will receive the 24/7 care she needs, and you can get back to just being her daughter. Best wishes.

Susieq723, it's hard to give specific advice without knowing more about your mom's history and current situation. That said, your brief description of your mom reminded me of my dad in his late stages of dementia and what worked for me was to go into the bathroom with him every time. Regardless of whether he wiped himself or I did, I always told him he had to wash his hands with soap or he would get sick and have to pay to go to a doctor or hospital, which almost always gave him the necessary motivation. Same tactic with teeth brushing and showering. It probably helped me that my dad usually thought that I was his dad -- when my sister visited she had a harder time with him, but we think he thought she was his wife trying to boss him around. Best wishes to you and your mom on this difficult journey.