My Mom is dying, slipping away each day and it is tearing me and my Father up. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

My Mom is dying, slipping away each day and it is tearing me and my Father up. Any advice?

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We feel so horrible for what she is going through. Help! I am depressed, I cry everyday repeatedly. I am trying to be strong but know I have situational depression and have reached out to my primary doc for medication. My appt. is today. I hate seeing my mom going through this. She doesnt want to go and is not ready to leave. We dont want her too either. It is killing my father and I mostly to see her emotional pain. She has been a person who her entire life was caring, giving and selfishless. She always put her family first. Why is it that great people are dealt this horrible end to their lives? I asked for a chaplin to come yesterday through hospice, which he did. My mom wasnt able to handle it so we decided another day. I am not sure I am asking a specific question, but rather just need support. I feel I am on my last thread of emotional sanity and it is almost broken. How does someone/me handle such horrible circumstances by watching your mother, your best friend dying right before your eyes when they are not ready to go? What do I say to her besides I love you and I am so sorry mom?? Please help.

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Thank you all! I know that you are right. I did say to her yesterday when she said she didnt want to do this anymore that it was okay for you to do what you want mom. Its ok. I think it is true she wants to know we will be okay, dad and I. I have to tell my dad that we must let her know. The chaplin is scheduled to come out tomorrow. I hate this so bad, but it is inevitable I must accept that. I am sorry for all the hurt and pain the rest of you are dealing with and have dealt with. Again I find my strength through this site and you all I hope I am able to help you as well. THANK YOU!!
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Cheita, is your mom afraid of dying? (My dad is terrified of dying.) Or is she hanging on because of you and your dad? Maybe you both can subtly start letting her go, giving her permission that it's okay to go. That you will both be fine.

When mom was at deaths door and still hanging on for days despite her body shutting down (skin and bones so quickly! as if her muscles melted overnight in leaps). Most of my 7 siblings came home to say their goodbye with mom. We all individually, at our own time, bent down and whispered to her (privacy). And still mom clung to life.

We had a very dysfunctional family. Dad was not allowed to touch us girls but he had free reign with the boys (physical abuse). Mom 'protected' us. Even when I was helping dad to caregive her, he still hit her even though she couldn't move/talk at all. And he had a habit of hitting my head when I'm in the middle of changing her pamper. He once was going to choke me. I had this lightbulb moment. I bent down to mom and whispered to her, "Mom it's okay to go. Dad cannot hurt me anymore. He's bedridden. He cannot hurt me now. You can go." .. something similar to that. Three days later, she passed away in her sleep.

Like you, due to years of caregiving, my faith has fallen to the side of the road. I completely forgot that mom had a religion. We don't share the same faith. I did not even think to call the Catholic priest to say the Sacraments (????) I think a chaplain would be nice to visit. Is he a subtle person? He can help ease your mom in facing the unknown Without Being so obvious!

By the way, when my mom was close to deaths door, I had lots of great advice here. One person told me that when you hold her hand.. hold it in a certain way. You know what, let me check my notes on mom and see if I have it. I will post it if and when I find it. I have to go now and change dad's pamper. I usually end up very very tired after that. I may not be up to par in searching my notes. I will try. You and your dad, {{{{HUGS}}}}
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When my mom laid there in her bed dying , I reached over to her and hugged her and told her its ok for her to go , and then i prayed , Father, you will be done , not mine . I rejoice not in this life but in the one that is too come. If we make heaven our home it is going to be a wonderful place that our human emotions cannot convey . There are no words to describe the feeling of being totally free of emotional grief and sorrow and physical pain . But to see my mom withered up and helpless was more than i could bear . On my last visit to her and her last day on earth , i was able to feed her some ice cream and i could see a smile . She came out of her dementia and told me I was her baby and that she loved me . Those were her last words and she passed during the night . If we only hope in this life , then we sure have nothing to hope for and are lost . If that then be true then this would be the end . We would be most miserable. Jesus promised us that we would be raised to live with Him if we so choose Him to save us , and thats my hope. Not in my own self but in Him . God has giving us life and made every provision for us in the earth while we are alive, Cant he now make provision for us in heaven and eternity? Trust in the Lord and not on our own understanding , He will make a way .
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My mom died two months ago at my home. I had her with hospice care but it was just me and her for two weeks. She did not understand that she was dying. She thanked me for saving her life and thought she was getting better. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. However, it was the most rewarding. I'm thankful everyday that I got to spend her last two weeks on earth by her side. I cuddled up in bed with her, I sang our favorite song to her, and her last words to me were "I love you". I cried a lot as well, but you must be able to let her go and let her know you will be ok. I kept saying that to her on her last night: that I would be ok. That has been my mantra ever since. She wouldn't want you in so much pain, so let her know it's ok to go. I know it's not what you want, and it feels like an admission of wanting it. It's not. Trust me. She may be hanging on for you and that does no one any good with the condition they are in. I know this is hard to swallow, but you need to hear it. I literally just went through it. You need to see it as a gift. You will be there at the end and that's rare. Let her go.
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Thank you Nora789 and the rest of you. I did go to my doc. and I did get medication, which I am glad I did because things have gotten and continue to get worse with my mom. We (dad and I) are worn out phsically and mentally. Additional help will be starting eventually but it isnt helping us now. We just will not let her go to a nursing home or wherever because that is not what she wanted and we would not be able to live with ourselves if we did that to her. We would never hurt her like that, despite how hard it is right now. I agree with the serenity prayer. I think the more I see her suffering I am accepting her illnesses and understanding that my selfishness of not wanting her to go is not making her life any better. I am grateful for this site as it really helps to communicate with others that understand and are able to give me input and feedback. I am sorry for your struggles with your mother. It sounds like you know what is needed to do, despite it not making the grief and loss any easier. Thank you and take care.
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Cheira I noticed you posted a few days ago and wondered if you went to your doctor and if you were given medication to help you right now. I hope you did. My heart goes out to you and your dad for what you are going through. I too struggle with the faith that is needed to make the journey from life to the other side. If you can explain to your mom that her illness is a part of life and that there is a better way once we die. It takes faith. My faith is very low right now too because my mom too is dying slowly and my sister and I struggle every day....and cry often. End of life is not ever easy and we don't like it. I'm sad for us all. I wish I had more to say to help you. The Serenity Prayer comes to mind...the serenity to accept the things we cannot change.
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I feel for your loss. We all will die, just some of us don't get to live as long as we hoped we wood. You are stronger than you think. You have to love her through this and love her enough to let her go. Bless your heart.
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Thank you for your comments. I do not want mom to be afraid because we are not ready for her to go. I do not cry in front of her and do everything I can to make sure she is comfortable. I let her know she can cry in front of me and that this is most difficult for her but that we love her very much and what ever she wants we will do. I will try do do things a bit differently as so she will not fear the journey, as you put it. I had not looked at it in that way and it does make sense to me. My faith is gone, however I should not relay that as this may create that fear for her. Thank you
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Cheita, yours is a pain that is felt by children watching their mother die when they love her so much. Do you have siblings who you can share your feelings with? Being together in the house can make it better if you are close.

I hope that you can look at your mother and see what she needs. I read about the problems that she has and know she doesn't have much quality in her life beyond the things you do for her. I know she is very ill with the kidney failure and cancer. Perhaps with the love you feel for her, you can help her get ready for crossing to the other side. With your father and you being so distraught, she might fear that journey even more. There will probably come a time soon that she is ready to look toward the end. Death is a sad time, but it is not a bad thing. Though it seems cruel, it is the natural order of life.

Does your hospice have grief counselors? What your father and you may be going through is anticipatory grief, which is very normal. We can't stop what is happening, so we have to feel our way through it.
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There are no easy answers for dealing with the end of life. Hospice is the very best thing for her at this point. Call and see if they offer grief counseling. Many hospice organizations do. My sympathy to you and your famiy.
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