Mom is dying from lung cancer should we do hospice?

Mimi, cancer and dying both smell bad. When my sister was on hospice they had us put a tray of kitty litter under the bed to help with the odor.

Do not be afraid of her passing, you mention Jesus, but not sure if you are a believer or if mom is. Her soul will not linger, she will take flight. If this has been a good relationship you will feel her there, for a while, because that is where your relationship has occurred for the past 22 months. It is nothing to fear.

DO NOT let your brothers dictate your life, it is unfair of them to put all of this on you. Are they worried that it will effect their inheritance if she has to pay for care? If yes, are they willing to pay you and your husband for all the care you have provided? I hope this isn't about money, but gold makes people crazy, hence gold fever term.

I pray you all can find a solution that works and it doesn't adversely affect your relationships.

May God grant you strength and grieving mercies.

Holy mackerel that a woman in your position is having to hesitate! SMH...

Your mother needs skilled care, based on training and expertise that you simply don't have. Get it for her.

And now for the advantage of having so many brothers with so much to say about your mother's care - it's time for them to make themselves useful. They can form a relay team and take it in turns to sit with your mother.

It might be a good idea to put a communications book in your mother's room. Any questions or comments that come up, the person "on duty" can make a note of them. If everything is all in one place then no one gets left out of the loop.

Is any one of you your mother's official health care proxy or representative?

Hope you can get this all arranged very soon, best of luck to you, please update us.

Yes she have money for bills. She sold a 8 family building in2017. She have 2 more 6 family's she rents out. That's were we live now. My father is coming from PR to see her. He will decide to put her in hospice or not to. Thanks for the answers everybody.

Katie, I think JoAnn meant to write Mimi.

I'm glad you said you wish you'd signed Mom up sooner. I'm doing that now and was hoping I wasn't doing it too soon. 

Try to let that guilt go Katie. I'm sure you did the best you could with what info you had at the time. This is the hardest damd thing I've ever done in my life!💖

Hospice hospital?? I know they have facilities, but..you know that Medicare does not pay for it...right? Does Mom have the finances to pay that? The place my Mom stayed in for 3 nights was run by hospice. It was really execellent...and posh. It is meant for families to be able to stay there too. Huge rooms, and very nice. It also cost $800 per night. Medicare did pay that for my Mom because the hospice Doc made the case that they needed to have Mom right there while they worked adjust her pain meds to get ahead of the pain escalation she was having......keep her comfortable.

Medicare will cover respite care of 1 week.

If you have her admitted to a regular hospital...hospice is no longer involved....they must terminate service if she goes to an acute care hospital.  Of course, you would take her to ER..it would be up to the Docs if they will admit her.

Joann.... My Mom died over a year ago.    Altogether, she was on hospice for just under 3 weeks.   I still blame myself for not turning to them sooner.   Not until her Doctor admitted to me that he had nothing else to offer to help Mom....only then did I call hospice.   I should have done it sooner

yes I agree about the moms passing in your babys room if it turned out to be.

my dad passed in AL and my mom still resides in the same room. I don't have any negative feelings to the apartment room. complete opposite I feel close to my dad in that room



edit: not saying you have to feel the same way ...

Katie, have you talked to Moms doctor. You say she is on alot of medication. Medication can make her sick. The doctor maybe able to give her something else. Maybe she needs a doctor to help manage her pain. Tell the doctor about the body smells. Ask him about Hospice (you need a Drs. order anyway). Tell him your reasons for not wanting it in your home and ask if there are options.

From what I understand, Medicare only pays for the care, supplies and I think Medications. They don't pay for a room in a Hospice facility or nursing home. Not sure if Medicaid could help but thats an avenue to pursue. Talk to a Hospice agency and get info from them. Once you get it all together, sit brothers down and explain how it all works. Do they want Mom in pain for the rest of her life. Hospice will give her the comfort she needs. Call your Office of Aging to see what is available thru them.

You could look at Moms passing in the "babys room" as a blessing. Moms spirit will be there watching over ur child.

Sorry, if you feel we aren't helping. We are a group of caregivers, all with our own experiences trying to help each other "thru it". We r from the US, Canada, UK and some other countries have chimed in. We can just point you in the right direction and give some support. If we knew what state you were from, members from that State maybe able to offer more information.

hi mimi, I noticed you said hospice hospital.
I didn't have any experience with that. the hospice I had for my dad, they came over to his assisted living apartment. and he passed away in AL.
I guess too, that it depends on the person, I already knew there was no hope for my dad. he was almost 93 and just not 'there' any more.
But it seems that you are needing some help because its getting to be too much for you mentally.

even if I didn't agree with the hospice hospital, I would want to ~listen~ to my (you)sibling if they were having such troubles. you love your mom, so they should understand that you haven't stopped caring, you just need major support NOW. I would still contact hospice and ask, explain your siblings concerns and yours too.

Hospice, coming from an assisted living worker and experianced with hospice and their services to manage pain etc without taking her out to see the dr when problems arise. Do you know what to do when your mother gets to the point where she sounds like she's drowning? That's where hospice and the medications that they make sure we'll be in your home can be given to make it more comfortable for your mother in the end.

@Katie I know they won't be cleaning her Pampers everyday and giving a bath 2 times a day. We can use the internet you know! She has a regular doctor and a lung doctor who told us what the choices are she has!!!!!! I don't want her to die in the room that I wanna make a baby room! I want her to go to the hospice hospital. My family is fighting coz one thinks hospice kills sick people and the other said she should be with family till she dies naturally. And only Jesus controls her death not doctors. I understand what my brothers are saying. But they don't see what I'm saying. I haven't even lived alone with my husband yet.

Why would anyone fight over Hospice care? Hospice care is just that. Comfort and the best quality possible until end of life, no matter how long that is. Sounds like some of the brothers are either in denial or do not understand what Hospice care is

Since sister is expected to do, then sister can make the decision. Tell brothers your doing all the work. Hospice will keep her comfortable and lessen the pain. I think my Mom had an aide everyday for Dad. Call her Dr. and ask him for an order and a suggestion to which Hospice you should use, if there is a choice.

Hi Mimi,
You sure do have a lot of brothers! 7 Wow, I am also an only girl with 3 brothers.

Thank your lucky stars they help you. I think both sides, the yays and nays, are convinced their choice would be doing what's best for the Mom, they love so much. So just be patient with the arguing, this is a huge decision.

I'm facing it right now concerning my Mom. Someone, just this morning, told me to go to Medicare.gov/hospice to get some more information.

Take the advice given above. Maybe with all the info, and individual questions, cares, fears and concerns addressed, everyone can get on the same page. Let's hope🤞

Cyber Huggz 🤗

How nice of your brothers to decide this for you.. NOT. Since they put this on you, get a CG contract ASAP, and then call hospice too. They will help cover her pain meds and any needed ( as they determine) any equipment you need for her to be in your house. As Katie said,, they ARE NOT in your house 24 x 7 taking care of her,, so don't let your brothers tell you this. You can call them and ask for a meeting,, not required to sign up at that time. Good luck with this,, I have been there and they were a blessing for us. My dad was in MC at the time and they were so supportive.

First, hospice is not going to be cleaning her diaper....at least not all the time.

Hospice will have an aide come and help with a shower a couple times a week...not twice a day. A nurse will come around once a week or more as needed.

The primary reason I turned to hospice was because of the high level of pain my Mom was experiencing. The Doc had given up ... he had no more to offer my Mom.

when I had hospice for my dad. I felt such a big relief. although I was not doing the day to day care for my dad. because he was in assisted living. but after a ER visit to hospital the caseworker asked if I would want to sign him up. I heard its because the dr. has to say there is 6 months or less left(?)
I signed my dad up because I needed the support and guidance. I didn't know what to do :(
In MY EXPERIENCE it was a good thing. if your mom is dying (so sorry) and theres NO QUESTION then why should they be arguing? idk?? they are going to help you and make your mom comfortable to the end. maybe they don't understand how it works.

maybe a family meeting together with a hospice nurse.?