Mom is declining mentally and I am not sure what to do. She won't talk to the doctor as she is afraid of getting labeled. What do I do?

‘I’m so sorry about your Dad and mother seeming to go down hill at the same time.
First off , they are not living “independently “. They are living at home but they are not independent . This is what all the elderly say when they have their kids doing a lot for them . You are helping to prop up a false independence .

I would tell Mom she needs to go to the primary care doctor to get checked for UTI. This could cause sudden change , decline or worsening in mood in the elderly. Hopefully the doctor will order some blood work too , to rule out other medical issues . Some of these issues can cause cognitive changes that mimic dementia .

Also do you have POA so you can take over the finances ? Take Mom to get that drawn up at the lawyer before she gets worse .

Many elderly refuse cognitive testing . Some people say to tell them it’s a Medicare check up and don’t tell them they are having cognitive testing or that they may have dementia . Many with dementia will deny it . It’s often better to not even tell them in your mother’s advanced age because not much can be done and to talk about it just upsets them . Usually an antidepressant which she already has and perhaps some med to relax her . You can always tell her it’s to help relax her so she can sleep better . Good luck , let us know how it is going . If you don’t think Mom and Dad are safe home alone you will want to hire help for when you aren’t there if you haven’t already done so . Use your parents money , not yours .

Your parents are declining rapidly, and you should send a note to their PCP outlining what you’ve told us. Maintaining two people in their condition in their home isn’t realistic. They need 24/7 care, and you’d need at least 2 caregivers but probably 3. Plus you and your husband will need to manage their home, medical and financial affairs.

The best thing would be for both to be in a care facility. Your worries about how mom will feel betrayed may be real but aren’t valid. It isn’t betrayal to make sure that your beloved parents have the professional care they need. Betrayal would be if you didn’t do what is best for them.

I don’t know about this ‘aging in place’ situation.

Despite the fact that some people think that aging in place can be successfully accomplished by everyone, it simply isn’t feasible in certain circumstances.

Have you been in touch with Council on Aging? You can schedule an assessment of your mother’s needs. Your father’s situation sounds especially difficult to deal with.

Look at all of the factors in this situation and see what resources are available for you to utilize. Don’t even attempt to continue to care for your parents on your own.

Look into facilities so you can go back into being their daughter. You’re not abandoning them. You are doing what is best for them. You will be a great advocate for your parents.

Their needs are going to increase and you will find yourself being overwhelmed if you don’t start planning for their future care.

I don’t feel like this is a ‘wait and see’ type of thing. It’s better to be prepared than to end up being caught off guard and not knowing where to turn.

Mgellis, welcome!

If you're retired, I'm going to assume that you aren't exactly a spring chicken.

I want you to look down the road a bit.

What is going to happen to this house of cards when you or your husband gets diagnosed with a serious illness?

If mom is experiencing a change of mental status, she needs to be seen by her doc, or at urgent care.

If she started a new med and developed panic attacks, the prescribing doc needs to know.

We have an expression here...she gets mad?

So what?

Sometimes being an adult includes angering your parent. You need to take action now.

"Mom, we're going to urgent care to get you checked out for a UTI. Get your purse". Start there and let us know the results. We care

My parents were similar. My dad was blind and my mom had signs of dementia. My sister and I tried everything we could think of to get my mom to recognize she needed help but she was afraid to be diagnosed. The repeated stories, the paranoia, the "strangers coming into the house", the inability to take care of financial responsibilities, all these things began to build up. They do not get better and then the wandering starts. The neighbors call and complain. You feel helpless. These are not your parents.

Don't let your mom's fear stop you from getting her help. She will not get better by ignoring her symptoms. Things will get worse. Sometimes you have to do things that are uncomfortable. Remember you are trying to help them.

So get her an appointment with her doctor and a referral to a neurologist. Do not wait. We tried everything and my mom got worse. They were in a dangerous situation. It ended with them both in a nursing home. Are they happy, well, my mom isn't but they are finally safe. If my mom had been diagnosed sooner, I think she might have been able to stay in her home longer but they would only do what they wanted to do. They would not accept help into their home easily and as my mom fell further into dementia, my dad refused to accept it. They supported each others denial of facts and they ended up exactly where they did not want to be.

Was it hard, yes it was. Is it still hard, yes it is. Do I regret things, yes I do. Can I change things now, no I cannot. I can love them and try my best to make sure they have whatever they need or want. Can I take them into my home and care for them? No, it is too late. Could they have chosen a different path? Yes, but they chose not to. Don't beat yourself up. You can offer them options. Find out what senior communities are near you and visit them. Try and make your parents realize that life is changing and they will have to change to. You cannot fix this. All you can do is help them see they have options and make clear that life as they know it has changed, forever. It is time to face the future and you will be there to help.

This is a great website. People care, I send you love and hope for a better future for your parents. I know it is hard but ignoring it just makes it worse, and it makes them less safe.

Well, frankly, they are not “living independently,” by any measure, if you are helping them, with your dad in hospice, etc., with falls and such going on! They are TOTALLY dependent on help. Whether you or some paid service provides it…up to you and THEIR finances. Okay, your stubborn, declining mother gets feisty when confronted with her increasing limitations. So be it. Let her kvetch all she wants. You do what you know has to be done. She will deal with it, or not.

Please talk to the Hospice Nurse about Respite Stay for dad.
This would give mom a break.
If she is resistant to the Respite stay maybe talk to the nurse about telling your mom that it is for "pain and symptom management" this is another reason that they would place a Hospice patient in an In Patient Unit.
I am sure the Nurse, CNA and Social Worker all see the stress that mom is under and they also might agree that this would help mom as well.

”A man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Their one flesh with decades of interwoven history is being cleaved into two. I’d expect her to be depressed, moody and foggy. Her husband is dying an uncomfortable death and she’s a perfectionist who has zero control over the situation. That’s likely not dementia. That’s the brain on overload trying to process loss and pain and fear and bewilderment.

I agree with the other commenters here, but it also concerns me that mom started Zoloft a month before theses symptoms arose. It takes about a month (roughly) for Zoloft to start working. Many elderly people have unexpected reactions to SSRIs. I would let the prescriber know about moms new behaviors and let he or she weigh in on whether it could be a medication reaction.

Tireness effects cognitive functioning, especially in the elderly. Mom may be stressed out and/or not getting the test she needs trying to take care of Dad.