I am 29 and live in Oregon with my long-term boyfriend who is similar age. My divorced mother (age 61) lives 2000 miles away and has no friends/extra family. She has been unemployed for over 2 years and they cut her off unemployment 3 months ago. She looks for jobs every day--has interviews every week but not getting hired. I have been struggling with trying to financially help her out, also while trying to manage my own finances. I send her over $500 a month to bail her out of bills, disconnections, gas, food. She get food stamps but no disability, no unemployment, no income at all. She is always broke and is trying to sell her house to come live with us (although we don't want her to--we have a strained relationship). My relationship has been suffering as has been my stress level and my health. She has no TV/internet, her gas was shut off--so no hot water or stove, and no money to live off of. Her fridge broke 2 weeks ago so I bought her a used one. I pay her phone bill, insurance, and send her extra for gas. I recently told her I couldn't help her out this week because I had a short paycheck and she called me a spoiled little princess. I live very modestly and make a nurses salary. My boyfriend is still in college so he is living off of student loans and he tries to help as well. We frequently argue because she gets mad when I cannot help out more--I have offered to move her in with us but I also know that's not the best idea either. I just don't know what to do anymore! Im overwhelmed with stress, guilt, and anxiety. She is very good at emotionally manipulating both of us!!! We live in a pretty crappy place and we would like to move and start a family soon but we feel like we will never be able to bring another life into this world with all the stuff that's going on with her! I could try to cut her off but then she may end up homeless--not to mention her continued guilt trips...I am an only child with no other family that is willing or able to help. Advice anyone?????
Onlychild, take the others suggestions....one at a time.... first set boundaries with your mom..... then proceed on with your life... she is not going to like it. so be prepared to stand your ground.....as you set each boundary you will get stronger for the next one..... let us know how this goes.....would love to be able to come back and tell you how proud I am that you stopped being the victim here...... hugs and prayers to you...
YOU COULD BE RESPONSIBLE:
Filial responsibility laws (filial support laws, filial piety laws) are laws that impose a duty upon third parties, usually (but not always) adult children for the support of their impoverished parents or other relatives.[1] In some cases the duty is extended to other relatives. Such laws may be enforced by governmental or private entities and may be at the state or national level. While most fillial responsibility laws contemplate civil enforcement, some include criminal penalties for adult children or close relatives who fail to provide for family members when challenged to do so. The key concept is impoverished, as there is no requirement that the parent be aged. For non-Western societies, the term "filial piety" has been applied to family responsibilities toward elders.
States with filial responsibility laws
Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia.
In addition, the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico also has filial responsibility laws.
Stop enabling your mother.
Brutal? Ya. So is not being able to live your own life.
Don't even consider having her move in with you. Tell her that outright. Make it clear that that isn't her ace in the hole. If she thinks she can guilt you into that it is a perfect goal for her.
I'm not so heartless that I don't feel sorry for your mother. She probably does have a mental illness. That it sad. We don't always know how to help our mentally ill. But what you are doing is not helping her and it is hurting you. So stop!
It is sad that Mom has no friends. Not your fault.
It is sad that she has an undiagnosed mental illness. Not your fault.
It is sad that she hasn't been able to land a job. Not your fault.
Helping someone out while they get on their feet is one thing. Helping them out while they plot to come and live off of you is quite another.
I don't envy you this task. Sending her enough money to support herself in another household is probably something that you can't afford to keep doing. And I have a feeling that bringing her to live with you is inviting disaster. I hope she is able to find a job or to create her own job soon.
Is it better to completely cut her off and hope she gets a job? Or getsput on the street?
Ive tried setting a firm limit with her. I agreed to pay her phone bill and her insurance. I thought this would be better for me anyway---no doesn't work. When she calls, she complains about having to bathe in cold water and not having a stove (she is using an electric skillet)---I cannot have a conversation with her anymore. Its so bad now that I don't even tell her when I go have a burger after work---or when I go grocery shopping.
just sayin .
if youll start sending me money i wont work either ..