I am 29 and live in Oregon with my long-term boyfriend who is similar age. My divorced mother (age 61) lives 2000 miles away and has no friends/extra family. She has been unemployed for over 2 years and they cut her off unemployment 3 months ago. She looks for jobs every day--has interviews every week but not getting hired. I have been struggling with trying to financially help her out, also while trying to manage my own finances. I send her over $500 a month to bail her out of bills, disconnections, gas, food. She get food stamps but no disability, no unemployment, no income at all. She is always broke and is trying to sell her house to come live with us (although we don't want her to--we have a strained relationship). My relationship has been suffering as has been my stress level and my health. She has no TV/internet, her gas was shut off--so no hot water or stove, and no money to live off of. Her fridge broke 2 weeks ago so I bought her a used one. I pay her phone bill, insurance, and send her extra for gas. I recently told her I couldn't help her out this week because I had a short paycheck and she called me a spoiled little princess. I live very modestly and make a nurses salary. My boyfriend is still in college so he is living off of student loans and he tries to help as well. We frequently argue because she gets mad when I cannot help out more--I have offered to move her in with us but I also know that's not the best idea either. I just don't know what to do anymore! Im overwhelmed with stress, guilt, and anxiety. She is very good at emotionally manipulating both of us!!! We live in a pretty crappy place and we would like to move and start a family soon but we feel like we will never be able to bring another life into this world with all the stuff that's going on with her! I could try to cut her off but then she may end up homeless--not to mention her continued guilt trips...I am an only child with no other family that is willing or able to help. Advice anyone?????
just sayin .
if youll start sending me money i wont work either ..
Stop enabling your mother.
Brutal? Ya. So is not being able to live your own life.
Don't even consider having her move in with you. Tell her that outright. Make it clear that that isn't her ace in the hole. If she thinks she can guilt you into that it is a perfect goal for her.
I'm not so heartless that I don't feel sorry for your mother. She probably does have a mental illness. That it sad. We don't always know how to help our mentally ill. But what you are doing is not helping her and it is hurting you. So stop!
It is sad that Mom has no friends. Not your fault.
It is sad that she has an undiagnosed mental illness. Not your fault.
It is sad that she hasn't been able to land a job. Not your fault.
Helping someone out while they get on their feet is one thing. Helping them out while they plot to come and live off of you is quite another.
Do not have her come to live with you.
If you feel you need to help in any way have her send you that bill ie electricity and pay that directly, never send the cash. never pay for the phone TV or Internet.
Many things we consider essential people managed without. If she does not have gas and can't bathe buy her an electric ring (order online and have it delivered to her) She can heat water on that and take a strip wash thats what others have to do. if she previously had a stove she has got pots and pans so get a small propane gas ring and use that.
Is there stuff she can sell?
If her house won't sell can she rent her house out and find a room to rent for
herself.
Is she using food banks?
Are there free meals in her areas.
Ask at her local chuches if they offer any help.
Any hospital theat accepts medicare/medicaid has to treat any patient who shows up. Now they will still expect to be paid but you can't get blood out of a stone.
What was her last job?
What is she capable of doing?
Minimum wage is better than nothing,
For Dave it would be wonderful if everyone fulfilled what the States believe to be their filial responsibilities and if they did in this world it would mean other family members would go hungry. I often hear stories of how children help their parents and the parent then feels entitled and expects a free ride.
We certainly should help those less fortunate but not become an enabler and be very sure that contributions are going for their intended use. I do not blindly give to charity but would help out an individual when I truly see the need.
So pull up your big girl panties and take care of yourself the way you take care of your patients and discourage your boyfriend from contributing. He will have to earn the money to pay back those student loans. look to your joint future and plan better than your mother otherwise you will end up as a single Mom and good old mom wan't be there to help you out. Blessings you have a lot of support here.
My girls have introduced me to the thrift stores where I find so many little treasures. We are such a wasteful society.
Great comment Maggie!
You are about my daughters' age. You need a dependable young man before you even think of having a family. You need someone who cares about your welfare. Does your boyfriend fit this description?
I am concerned for you. Having daughters your age, please look out for yourself. Don't accept less. You need to have someone who loves you and would do anything to make sure your life turns out well. That includes both your boyfriend and mother. If they can not do this, do that for yourself. Find people who will help you find the healthiest path for your life. And move on. Good luck.
Onlychild, take the others suggestions....one at a time.... first set boundaries with your mom..... then proceed on with your life... she is not going to like it. so be prepared to stand your ground.....as you set each boundary you will get stronger for the next one..... let us know how this goes.....would love to be able to come back and tell you how proud I am that you stopped being the victim here...... hugs and prayers to you...
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