My Mom is in Assisted Living and is asking to stay overnight at my house. What do I do? - AgingCare.com

My Mom is in Assisted Living and is asking to stay overnight at my house. What do I do?

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I have tried to take care of Mom 24/7 for over 2 years and her condition (Diabetes, Needing depends, Depression, And Dementia} has gotten worst. She likes to sleep until 2-3 pm, says she is at peace. She insists on sucking on sugar free lifesaver's as she has dry mouth, but gets diarrhea from them. It means her sleeping with me. I love her but I do not sleep hardly at all worrying and taking care of her. She does need Assisted Living and is on 3 insulin shots per day. She is definitely better off sleeping at er place. I visit and take her out 2-3 times per week. I also make her Egg Mcmuffin's as she loves them and will not get out of bed to eat until supper.What do I do? I have been having health issues (Colitis) I need relaxation and calm time. I feel guilty but what can I say to her to make her understand without hurting her feelings or getting her upset?

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Staystrong you have a very full plate! My heart goes out to you. As much as you love your mother, you need to take care of yourself. If you go down, your mother is up the creek without a paddle. So you need to set some limits around how much time you spend with her and on her affairs. I know that sounds harsh, but with your family history, you absolutely have to take good care of yourself. In addition to seeing your mom and dealing directly with her, you're also trying to handle her business, which I know takes up a lot of time and energy too.

I wouldn't let her stay with you overnight. That's too much of a burden on you and you need to take care of your own health. I'd work on getting your places sold as quickly as possible so you can make the move to VA.

I would not be giving your mom the sugar-free lifesavers if they give her diarrhea. There are dry mouth sprays, toothpastes, and mouth washes you can get for your mom over-the-counter. Try some of those and get her off the candy immediately. Having diarrhea isn't fun for anyone!

If she refuses to mingle with others, there's not too much you can do about that. But it's not up to you to "fix" that by spending more time with her. The more time you spend with her, the less she'll want to spend with others.

Give yourself a break - you're doing the best you can with a very difficult situation. Take care of yourself first, so you'll be there for the long haul for both yourself and your mom. You can't make her happy all of the time, but you can keep her safe and as healthy as possible while you get ready for the move. Hugs to you and please keep us posted.
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Thanks for your words of encouragement. Her biggest issue is depression. Her father quit eating and passed as he wanted at 72. Her brother hung himself at 60 years old as he did not want to be old. Mom will not kill herself but will not get out of bed. Last week I was up there 3 times and she said she is not feeling good. Then yesterday called me and said she's lonely and can she spend the night. She refuses to mingle with others. Doctor's can not help her depression. She depresses me then I get anxiety worrying and she is needy. The Assisted Living in Vermont is not good. It is $60,000 per year and they do not clean her room good, do not change her sheets saying she will not get out of bed, and refuse to bring any of her food up to her room. I have seen her finally get up if I make her an Egg McMuffin, I think it gets her metabolism going.I have been doing that for 8 years. My Dad passed almost 3 years ago. Her dry mouth is not her meds, she has no bottom teeth and also an eye operation that dried her eyes and then nose and mouth. That Doctor is no longer in business. I am currently paying all her bills and trying to sell her house and land and then sell my house to take her to Roanoke , Virginia. They have more Assisted Living places for under half price, but more importantly seem to have more going on and watch what she does consume. She has diabetes and the present place brings her cheese and cranberry juice, the small juice has 22 grams of sugar.. So you can tell that place is not the greatest and she is paying cash, Otherwise never would of got in as there is an 8 year waiting list. I have been POA for 2 years and my half brother has physically abused me 3 times as he wants more of Mom;s money and is a nut, He has been drinking and angry since my Dad passed, caused his 17 year marriage to end.Beat up his younger brother over POA. Crazy!!! If my Dad was alive none of this would of happened. So I am burnt out completely. I think I have Colitis. I have heard that your parents raise you so that I should take care of her. But I know she never had to go through what I have been through. Not to mention her 34 year old grandson stealing $20,000 for his drug addiction. And Adult Protective Services so nothing. They say get Guardianship. I do not want Guardianship. Hope I make it through all these tough hurdles.
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StayStrong57, At this point I'm not sure if having mom spend the night with you is such a good idea. What if she refuses to go back? Are you going to take her back kicking and screaming? That's not a good visual. And I know that too much sugar free anything causes diarrhea, but it's probably one of her meds causing the dry mouth so maybe changing that up might help. Sounds like she's in the best possible place for her needs and yours. Don't feel guilty. Taking her out that many times a week is more than nice in my opinion. I hope that by taking her out so much you're not impeding her chance of making friends at her asst. living place, which is what is best for her mental well-being under the circumstances. Good luck, and STAY STRONG! ♥
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