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It has been about 5 years since my mom has been estranged from her two boys for about 5 years. She says, "one stabbed me in the back and the other stabbed me in the heart."


I tell her back, "mom, you can be disappointed in them, you can be angry with them....but I don't think you 'hate' your children".


She says, "No. I really do hate them."


How do I deal with this? Has anyone out there dealt with this? She is 95 and one half;)


To make things worse, they both think I have brainwashed her, coerced her, and somehow MADE her think this way about her boys. Since she never talked to them, or told them her feelings, I can understand why they have these feelings. I she has sent them letters, I have sent them recordings of her yelling about them, and her talking to a friend, but they STILL blame me for our family being destroyed. (These words coming from the NEXT generation, their kids, that have never visited her, called her or written to her) They are just taking their actions from their parents who never called, visited, or wrote.....except for the 4 holidays where EVERY parent gets a call.....even the ones who beat them to an inch from their lives. Mom was a GREAT Mom and yet they both found no time for her.


Anyway, back to my FIRST question.....what should I say to "Is it OK to hate your children?"

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I agree feelings are never wrong. But I have a quote that gets me through the years that my mother didn't talk to me- "When you get to a certain point in your life and you are not talking to your children, you are missing a big part of the journey". I have no problem telling my Dad that while he might hate his wife at this moment, he didn't hate her yesterday. I have also told him that I think he mistakes anger for hatred. I believe that by hating her son's your Mom is limiting her own life. True hatred requires a lot of energy. Saying you hate someone is a way to cover up the anger and sorrow you feel from a strained relationship. I point that out to my Dad on a regular basis. You could try saying that to her.
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foxxmolder Mar 25, 2019
That is a GREAT idea, Jenifer, I will more often say anger and sadness to her to replace the word "hate". I do know that if she can forgive them, she is helping herself, and it has nothing to do with them.
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Hi Silverbird,
Thank you for answering. I have cut off contact with them. Unfortunately once or twice a year some financial things come up where the 4 of us need to agree about an expense. It is so easy to get whipped up in all the same anger, resentments, and terrible situations from 5 years ago. I try my best to "let it all go", but I think I am not alone with how hard that is when relationships were destroyed. The hardest thing for me was that I USED to have a good relationship with one of them, but he went 100% behind the other and left me waving in the wind. I now consider him a coward and someone that can't think for himself when the chips are down. Oh well, his loss, right?
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If that's how she feels, that's how she feels. Accept her feelings. It's not nice to tell someone that you know better how they feel. Don't argue with her about her feelings. And it's not your fault what others think about you. You don't need to explain yourself to your brothers. People who love you and care for you don't need explanations and those who don't, won't believe what you say anyway.
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foxxmolder Mar 24, 2019
EXACTLY. Thank you for taking the time to write, NY. Sometimes, when it is late at night, it is hard to remember. I will have to print out all these responses and read them when I am feeling like I could have done things differently.
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You don't hate your children, you hate what they are doing.
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About their blaming you: I would guess that they find it very much easier to think that this is your doing than that it comes from their mother. More palatable. Avoids their having to ask any uncomfortable questions about why she might feel as she does, for example.

Also, you are there, in the crossfire.

This, of course, does not make their beliefs true.

You know what caused the estrangement, do you? Would you say your mother has reason to hate these people?

I don't think you can answer your mother's question, beyond the platitude - I think it's true but it's still a platitude - that what you feel is what you feel and it can't be "wrong" to feel it. What you *do* about it is a different matter... but your mother is 95. There's not much doing to be done, one way or the other, is there?

I should try not answering her as such, but prompting her to say more. It may be that details emerge that you can say or do something comforting or constructive about.
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foxxmolder Mar 24, 2019
This has been a GREAT place to be for the last 5 or 6 years for me. I won't bore people with how things were in our family back in 2013. (I am sure our story is here somewhere) Anyway, all about money. Isn't that usually the case? Mom had her own ideas of how he wanted things done and the two of them wanted things done differently. They were SURE I was coaching Mom and she couldn't possibly have her own thoughts about it. She has always been quiet and didn't say her opinions. Unfortunately, she only told me, and then I tried to tell them. What a waste of time...months back then. As usual, we all say we would have done things differently if given the chance over again.
If I could only give ONE piece of advice it would be this:

NO MATTER HOW SURE YOU ARE that one person in the family will be the best person to control the family's finances, DO NOT DO IT TO SAVE MONEY. Pay an expert to do it that has no has no interests in the account.

Thank you to everyone that has been there for me these past 5 years. I appreciate you all!
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It’s okay for her to hate them. You can love and hate someone at the same time. I have two older sisters, and my situation is similar to yours, save for the fact that they don’t even give curtesy calls at holidays. My mother is devastated.

Tell her, “ it’s okay to hate someone and be devastated at their actions, but it’s also ok to love them and let others love them. Emotions are complicated.”

You, however, probably should cut off contact with them, if you can. You don’t need that emotional abuse.

All the best.
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