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My 73 year-old-mother is refusing cataract surgery due to irrational health fears. Even her doctor disagrees with her fears. Fact is, she's in better health than me - I'm on disability. She is practically blind - only sees shadows. When she can't find something (which is everything), she pimps my eyes. She's been spoiled all her life, by her parents and deceased husband, so I suspect she enjoys being waited on daily for 6+ hours by her caregiver daughter and knows that will end if she has surgery.

Mother and I have a long, bad history. She physically abused me when I was a child including beating me to unconsciousness. Now her abuse has turned verbal. I have told her repeatedly to not start crap with me, yet she continues to do so. Then I end up screaming at her. I have always had a bad temper and it took years for me to learn to walk away and not physically strike out at anyone.

Well, 've come to realize that I am burnt out and in danger of hitting my mother. Twelve days ago, I told her I would not longer be her caregiver and that the additional PSW service we have will be taking care of her 7 days a week. She has regular workers who she is happy with and who she doesn't abuse. She is safe, has a walker, all the aids she needs. I will only do her shopping and manage her affairs.

Do you think my mother is as manipulative as I think she is?

I'm learning to detach but of course the guilt is huge. I have to do this to save my health and sanity.

Thanks everyone.

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Get away from her, because if you so much as sneeze in her direction, she will holler abuse and make it stick. You are doing things 100% right by not allowing her to target you again.
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PS. No matter what, do not get physical with your mom. You can imagine the consequences . Stay away. Let the guilt and anger go.
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If half of what you report about your mother is true, you've done the right thing. Get away and don't look back.
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It does not matter if this is manipulation, dementia, anxiety/dementia or all three. What matters is that you are at your breaking point. You've arranged for her care, ot abandoning her, so no need for guilt.
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