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She claims she doesn't want to be a burden but in Reality this has been an excuse to be a miser all of her life. Every time there has been a need for her to spend money, she had to save "for the nursing home". However she is very naive about what a nursing home will be like. She thinks it will be like a cruise ship or spa visit.

In fact yesterday she was complaining about a relative who was calling her sister at least 4 or 5 times a day to come to the nursing home to help him with this or that. Mom said why doesn't he just buzz for someone. She thinks they will appear like a genie. I told her the homes are understaffed. My daughters are nurses and one worked in hospice care. The staffing problems are getting worse and worse. She thinks I just discourage her from going Into a home because I want her money. In actuality, I could never take care of mom. She is a big woman and I am getting older myself. And she has a personality problem of some sort, no friends, no one who likes her at all.

I guess my question is, does anyone else have a pRent who actually saved money all of their life to go to a nursing home? I have been hearing this since I was in High School and l am 62. Crazy

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A mild antidepressant might help her. She sounds like a good candidate for an Assisted Living center, which is a LOT cheaper than a Nursing Home. Some offer a half-off one month trial. She might like than better than living with kids.
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Thank you for your comments. I am frustrated with mom. She is like dealing with a child. She no more wants to go to a nursing home than take a trip to the moon. But she hates everyone, including her children. We have had enough of her antics. She is selfish and spiteful. She thinks by going into a nursing home she will keep me and my brother from getting any of,her money. We don't need it and we don't want it. She has ruined all relationships with her grand children and children. It is a very unfortunate situation. Thanks for lending an ear. :)
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Sounds like she IS REASSURING YOU and herself that she has enough money when the time comes to take care of herself. She is mentally trying to prepare and reassure herself. Yep. She probably doesn't comprehend the reality of choices and costs. My mom (91) lumps all eldercare facilities as "NH".

Suggest you take her on a tour of a few in the area --AL, Senior apts, and NH. They will give you brochures and she can compare costs of services and get a reality check.

I've done this with my mom. She too is miserly and continues to say she is saving and doesn't need care services. I've taken her several places over the last few hrs to at least plant the seed. She doesn't like the reality check...but I know she at least has awareness now. My mom doesn't have assets that your mom does, but I've educated myself as well on costs and financial supports and options for preparation for mom.

No use fighting this, but you will have to steel yourself and let her talk about it. Visiting options will at least bring you both on the same page.
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Be patient. Your Mom is correct: the time to talk about these things is way before they are needed. Gives everyone a chance to get on board and check out all nearby facilities to find the one that is perfect for your Mom. She may just need assisted living now but you will want a place that has facilities to provide the care your Mom might need later on as well. Good luck!
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Great comment cwillie, yes, she is 84 and we have been trying to get her to do just that. I don't care if she goes Into an assisted living if she is happy but she is basically an unhappy person. She doesn't want to be a burden but never even tried to have a good relationship with either of her children. So we are more than happy to make her wish come true. She just refuses to look at any place except one that is about a 18 mile drive, one way, from my brother. I ask her, mom why so far? My brother will need to check on her often. She says, "oh they will take care of me at the nursing home". Let's hope so.

Oh and by the way she does not have dementia.

Yes I know some of these places are vey nice. I actually live across the street from a very nice home that runs about 80K a year. And about 2 miles in both directions from some that cost probably even more. She lives 4 miles from a very nice assisted living. It is directly across the street from my brother's neighborhood, she refuses to go look at it.

What I think is going on with her is she has been so cheap and so uninvolved in her kids, sisters, and brother's lives that she thinks everyone is like her. That everyone and everything is a burden. It's just me, me, me and she thinks she can pay for someone to wait on her hand and foot. She has no real idea what homes are like since she never visited anyone in one.

Arghhhhh. I am so tired of her pulling the nursing home card all of the time. She is so manipulative. Thanks for letting rant some more. :/
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Some of these assisted living places really ARE like a spa, if you have the $$$ to pay. If you are 62, she's got to be in her 80's, right? So what is she waiting for? Maybe it's time to go for a few tours, pick a place, and calculate the costs. Sounds like it would be a reality check for everyone.
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She is very ignorant and will not listen to anyone. She actually said to me "reckon how Mrs. So and So is paying for the nursing home"? I said Medicaid. Her answer was "well i guess I will be the only one paying my way". I said "I guess so". Duh.

No she doesn't have insurance but she does have almost a million dollars in money and assets. She actually said to me yesterday that she wanted to go into a nursing home so she would not be a burden on her kids "if" the nursing home would take her." I said, ""you are paying out of pocket, you will be first in line". Duh, once more.

I just don't know anyone who talks about this until it is absolutely necessary. I have been hearing about this ever since I was in high school. I got a job after high school and had to pay to live at home. Why? So my parents could save for the freaking nursing home.

She is going to be disappointed if she dies first. Thanks for letting me rant.
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Most likely whatever she saved won't be enough. Nice assisted livings out here in the Chicago burbs cost @ 4000 to 7000 a month. If she has long term care insurance that could help. Good luck to you.
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