I finally got dad home from rehab again and he needs a nurse to care for him because he can only stand and pivot. He and mom are in an Assisted Living facility and I have hired a nurse to help. However mom (80 with ALZ) is abusing the CNA verbally and physically. She is being 100 percent unreasonable and says she can take care of dad. They will be married 60 years this summer. Dad is in the shape he is due to mom not pushing the button for help instead of helping him herself. He has had 3 strokes, 8 hrs of seizures, the flu and pneumonia in the last 6 mo. I moved them to the ALF because mom left him on the floor for 10 hours after a stroke, this was the beginning of his demise! She continues to reject help, dad falls due to this, hits his head, etc, etc. I am at my wits end and I don’t know what to do. They need to be separated or something but financially that will break the bank and dad will always ask for her. The caregivers said they have dealt with bad but never like my mom. I hope someone out there knows what I should do as we are without an answer right now. I just want to keep my dad safe ... from mom also!

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Vorwald, my own Mom was very unreasonable in the same way. She came from the generation where a good wife kept her husband healthy. If Dad got under the weather, it as shhhhh, wouldn't want the neighbors to know Dad wasn't feeling well, what would the neighbors think. Couldn't tell the relatives, either.

My Mom wouldn't be user friendly to physical therapist who came to their house to help Dad. Especially if the therapist was an attractive young lady. Mom would sit there and glare at her... daggers big time. One time a therapist left after a couple of minutes, my Mom made her feel so uneasy. Mom felt she herself could do the physical therapy for Dad.... hello, you are in your 90's !!

What to do? Since I couldn't get my folks [esp Mom] to move from their home, I had to just wait it out. Mom also refused any caregivers when her own doctor said that she needed them. Mom just poo poo that idea. Poor Dad, he knew I was trying to reason with Mom. Dad knew when to just keep quiet.

As mentioned above by other writers here, see if you could separate your parents. Your Mom won't be a happy camper, but heck she not happy anyway, thinking everyone else is wrong and she is right. Check with your State Medicaid [which is different from Medicare] to see how to get Dad into a higher skilled facility using Medicare. Mom will just have to deal with it, she is not going to change.
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Since you said mom has Alzheimer's, it is an unreasonable expectation that she can or will make appropriate "caregiver" decisions for Dad. Her brain is just not able to do so...not even to determine she should ask the caregiver/nurse to help. Sorry, just the way it is.
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Your parents have different levels of care right now.

They each need an assessment by professionals.

Talk to their doctor about what their needs are, without thinking about the fact that they are a couple.

Once you determine their needs, you can work on finding a facility that has both levels of care. And yes, apply for Medicaid. Get yourself ( you have poa, right?) to a certified Eldercare attorney.

If mom objects to any of this and is found competent, leave her where she is.
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What a terrible situation for your family to be in. Your mother is not capable of 'reasonable', your father needs care and money is always an issue.

I do not know that you have any choice but to move one of your parents. Does the place they are living have different levels of care? If so, could they still visit during the day?

Has your mother been checked for a UTI, or had a recent evaluation with her neurologist?

Can you Dad use an alert button. or would you mother take it away from him?

Is you Dad capable of understanding that your mother's behaviour is killing him? If he is safe, could visits be arranged?
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Yes, you need to separate them for dad's safety. Mom left him on the floor for the hours?! Does mom have dementia? That is not what would be considered normal concern of caring for him. Check into Medicaid for dad to get him in a nursing home if doc thinks that appropriate.
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