Mom is 83 & is in rehab for a broken femur; this isn't her 1st fall & break. We want her in AL but is very strong-headed & refuses. We can't force her to go & she refuses to allow strangers(home health) in her home. Mom thinks my sister & I can leave our jobs to care for her... we can't. We don't know what to do... Help please.
A strong will can be a positive - can help Mom recover by being aimed at her recovery goals.
Right now she is all "I'm going HOME". Over some time, she may gain insight & acceptance about this fall & fracture. That her life has changed. How much remains to be seen.
Firstly, can Mom put weight on her leg yet? (The time will depend on plaster only or surgery for internal rods).
A 20yo could go home with crutches & hop about... but often respite care (AL or NH) is needed in this non-weight bear period for the elderly. This could even be as long as 6 weeks.
Then, transfer to rehab location for rehab to walk again. Maybe 1-2 weeks (often depends
on insurance & speed of recovery of course).
After nearly 2 months from home, then she gets to the choice NYDaughyerInLaw described:
"She has two options: she will be discharged home with home health services or she will be going to assisted living"
Patience Grasshoppers.
Mom has a "YOU can do it" attitude. Oh Dear...
No. No I can't.
The first times can feel weird but as you flex your 'No muscle' it strengthens up 💪
Tell her when she accepts knowing that she cannot do this alone, and that you are not going to be participate in her living in an unsafe manner, you will check in with her by phone and be certain she has emergency support numbers.
I would enlist a social worker at the facility to facilitate this honest and hard talk with your mother. This will let the social worker know her case needs help and care and will keep her/him in the loop.
Call her case manager and tell them that you and your sister will not be able to provide any in-home assistance to your mother. You and your sister must put on your big girl panties and show your mother a united front that the days of you both enabling her charade of independence are over. She has two options: she will be discharged home with home health services or she will be going to assisted living. You must tell her that she will not be coming to live with either of you.
She's a spoiled old woman and how you and your sister *choose* to move forward is very much within your control.
This will lay the decision on the facility and not you guys.
Just because your mom wants, doesn't mean she gets. You are grown women and no longer under her authority to dictate your actions. Tell her it's not gonna happen, no explanation needed. NO, it is a complete sentence.
9 months ago my MIL fell ( has had many falls) She went into a rehab for a few weeks then was determined to be imminently dying--so Hospice was set up.
At THAT TIME, my DH, who is POA, should have stepped up and told his 2 sibs that mom needed far more care than they could provide. (DH was still working FT and BIL's wife was beginning her own health challenges.)
SIL fought him on this and said "Mom wants to be home. I'll take care of her".
Bad, bad idea. Within a month, SIL is burnt to a crisp and MIL is becoming more and more 'out of it'.
DH was forced to retired before he was ready and forced into daily care for MIL b/c she will not allow anyone into her home. She fought on the Hospice nurses, but HAS to allow them in the house or she can't continue on Hospice.
It's been 9 months of hell, that's all I can say. MIL calls the shots as to who she wants on what days and what she wants them to do/not do. DH reports to me that she gets mad very easily and screams at him. Slapped him across the face one night b/c he wouldn't do some dumb thing.
She also is very strong willed, and so are all the kids. It's just an ugly situation with a person who only cares about herself. (This is not new. She's always been selfish and actually mean).
IF DH had been open and honest with MIL 9 months ago, she would be in the nicest and best ALF. As it is, she's lonely and bored and depressed--but she's in her own home. And 6 other people are miserable. There's no way they can move her, now, they're just waiting for the next 'fall' and then, maybe they'll have no other option than to place her.
It will be hard and she will be mad. But deafen your ears to her pleas and grow a spine. Placing your mom will allow everyone to have a better QOL and even mom will acclimate.
I'm furious at my MIL for how upset she keeps the family. No one person should have this control, at this level. Makes me insane. And I don't even see her!