It WILL kill her, and that's not going to be beneficial to either of them. My dad and mom were exactly like Mountaingyrl's above -- Dad healthy, Mom declining, and Dad did everything because he was absolutely devoted to her. He was totally fine, then diagnosed with cancer, died in six weeks, and there was Mom with dementia, heart issues, and myriad other things that prevented her from living on her own. I had to move her to a nursing home three days after his funeral and she lived out her days in the care of others.
I don't believe Dad would have done it any other way, because of how he was brought up and how devoted they were to one another. You can't necessarily change their minds -- you just have to be there to help pick up the pieces when the crisis comes.
That’s sad that your father developed cancer, however there are countless people who get cancer that were not caregiving for someone. I knew a perfectly healthy 35 yr old man he definitely wasn’t a caregiver and got cancer, and there’s other people who are caregivers and manage to cope with the stress and don’t ever develop cancer. Extreme sweeping statements such as “it will kill them” do nothing but stir up false hysterical ideas.
What’s actually helpful is to talk with the family member or friend and let them share what’s on their mind and then go from there if there’s any even small tasks you can offer to help with
I share the same views as your mom and my neighbor shared she is able to use their long term care insurance to bring in help with house keeping chores to free her to do the full-time care giving. We don't have LTC insurance but I receive 14 hours a week from the VA that allows me to go to my doctor appointments and run errands. As he progresses I will use our personal funds to pay for maid service if I can afford it. She can also use someone to support her like lifting and turning as he progresses. Rather than pushing her to have help to "relieve her from her commitment" keep nudging her to bring in help for other things to "relieve her to be able to be a full-time care giver" and she probably will be more open. In time, she may even be able to see having help with actual care giving is not shirking her commitment. I have come to believe care-giving itself is probably not what kills us, it is shouldering complete responsibility of the home, finances, transportation, caring for ourselves, shopping, planning for the future, etc. that we are accustomed to handling our whole marriage. It has been very hard to give up the privacy and personal space I have enjoyed for 54 years. Help her find and take baby steps... that has helped me. I still have a ways to go before openly accepting help but I have made progress.
Keep the communication lines with Mom open. Ask her what would help her? Someone to help around the house? Cleaning/garden, someone to sit with Dad so she can get out alone to shop, haircut, coffee with friends.. someone to take over his shower routine 2 x week?
Has Dad had a needs assessment? Does Mom know what assistance they would quality for?
One of the bigger hurdles/excuse I hear is the marriage vows.. in sickness & in health.. But this does NOT mean SHE has to do it all.
Everyone has personal beliefs about their marriage, it really quite frankly isn’t up to you to be the judge of what a person feels called to do — a marriage vow is hardly an “excuse”. This isn’t a good angle for you or anyone to presume to weigh in on another persons marriage
My father was the sole caregiver for my mother. I begged him repeatedly to get help but he refused saying she only wanted him to provide care. He devoted himself to her care to the point of not taking care of his own. He died two years ago and my mother is now in a nursing facility.
He died from something that was treatable but never took the time to get it dealt with as he wouldn't ever leave my mother alone. He was terrified to leave her for more than an hour, quite rightly as she was always falling.
I know of other caregivers who have died before the person they are caring for because it is so stressful, both mentally and physically. However, if they won't listen to advice, I don't think there is anything you can do until it reaches crisis point.
The first question to ask Mom is “What happens to Dad if something happens to you?” That “something” could be a her serious illness, accident, or disability, not just death. And she shouldn’t assume the you or siblings can take over caregiving for him and (possibly) her, too!
The second question: “With that risk, are you as Dad’s FT caregiver the best arrangement for him, especially when other less risky options are available?”
If you have had an honest talk with her, in which you gently say just exactly this, then I don't see what else you can do; Mom may be elderly but she is still in charge of what she wishes to do. You might discuss options you can think of. The TWO of them going into care--some facilities have both ALF and MC on premises, would be ideal, and allow Mom time of her own. However, the cost would be quite enormous,and that must be a consideration. I sure wish you luck and hope you will let us know what options you come up with.
Full-time caregivers have a 30% chance of dying before their loved one/patient. "Rough statistics show that 30% of caregivers die before those they are caring for. Some studies show deaths higher. Illness that doesn't lead to death is rampant, as well - depression and auto-immune diseases are high on the list." AgingCare.com
Full-time caregivers need to be prepared for the possibility of their predeceasing the person they care for if they intend to care for that person until "death do us part."
My husband has late moderate stage Alzheimer's. We have been married for nearly 57 years. Because I loathe the idea of our son and his family having to deal with the burden of burying me and placing my husband, I am admitting my husband into Memory Care on July 5. I pray every day that nothing happens to me to prevent me from completing my husband's move.
My husband living in Memory Care will be a financial sacrifice. I am selling our home so that I can cover the $9K memory care monthly fee for many years. Ultimately, when I am no longer able to live independently, I will move to assisted living. All I have to do is survive to fulfill my goals of taking care of my husband and not becoming a burden to our beloved son and his family.
Wishing you the very best of luck with the excellent decision you've made regarding your DH's care, and your care moving forward, should the need arise. Bless you.
The arguing here is ridiculous. There is a title only, in the form of a question asking for suggestions. Suggestions are being given, then argued for 'wording'.
My suggestion? Mom shouldn't kill herself so dad can live, b/c then dad will have to go into managed care ANYWAY.
"Marriage vows" are intended to include BOTH parties involved in the marriage, not just one.
Your father's life is not 'more important' than your mother's life: both lives have equal value.
Your mother can hire help; whether it's in the form of a housekeeper, or a caregiver to come into the house to care for dad in some form, since you say he 'is declining' but not HOW he is declining. Groceries can be delivered, meals can be sent to her home from restaurants, etc. There are many ways to cut down on what mom herself has to do to keep the house running AND caring for dad at the same time. She, of course, has to agree to pay extra for help or services to lessen her load.
What is Plan B if/when mom is hospitalized for a serious illness or breakdown? What happens to dad during that time she's incapacitated? You should ask her that question b/c it's a very real probability. Even the most 'capable' Superwoman on earth breaks down under a heavy enough load. Nobody is invincible, especially at an advanced age.
If you have siblings, perhaps you can all chip in to arrange services to help mom. A housecleaning service, a meal/restaurant delivery service, a caregiving service like Home Instead, etc. Perhaps if it's paid for in advance she will have a harder time turning it down and then she may see how nice it is to have the help.
My DH thought he was invincible and would live forever until everything fell apart in 2019, starting with the emergency need for a pacemaker. Then triple bypass surgery in 2020. Then a liver transplant last month. If he'd have taken better care of himself for decades past, perhaps we wouldn't be in the situation we find ourselves in today: with me doing everything for BOTH of us. My housekeeper is coming next week & I'm accepting help from all sorts of avenues. If I break down, THEN what?? I recognize the need to take care of myself and not be Superwoman 24/7. That's the key to everything, I think. I have no desire for my family to be crying at my funeral anytime soon! #Truth
Wishing you the best of luck getting mom to see the light BEFORE she requires medical attention herself.
Through sickness and in health does not mean that she personally needs to take care of her spouse. It means you make the best decision you can for that person. For mom to care for her husband they can live in an assisted living center and have assistance. I had a friend and it came to a point when she had to place her husband in a nursing home. She spent everyday all day with him. The nurses cared for him physically but she was by his side during the day. She would then go home at night and back first thing the next day. She did that until he passed away. I thought that was true love, knowing that just being there with the love of your life and enjoying being together no matter where you are. hugs and prayers
So sweet! She’s been caring for him for however old you are and then some more years💕 Right now she can’t even help herself because it’s so natural to her. You have to send in the calvary( smiles) and help her to see she doesn’t have to do it alone. I’m pretty sure she’ll put up a fight though but, keep showing her new and improved ways ( an aide/ caregiver, or even family members) all can make it so much smoother for her!! Wishing you the best💕and so sorry to hear of your father’s decline.
I don't believe Dad would have done it any other way, because of how he was brought up and how devoted they were to one another. You can't necessarily change their minds -- you just have to be there to help pick up the pieces when the crisis comes.
What’s actually helpful is to talk with the family member or friend and let them share what’s on their mind and then go from there if there’s any even small tasks you can offer to help with
Has Dad had a needs assessment? Does Mom know what assistance they would quality for?
One of the bigger hurdles/excuse I hear is the marriage vows.. in sickness & in health.. But this does NOT mean SHE has to do it all.
Those vows do not exclude adding in extra help.
He died from something that was treatable but never took the time to get it dealt with as he wouldn't ever leave my mother alone. He was terrified to leave her for more than an hour, quite rightly as she was always falling.
I know of other caregivers who have died before the person they are caring for because it is so stressful, both mentally and physically. However, if they won't listen to advice, I don't think there is anything you can do until it reaches crisis point.
The second question: “With that risk, are you as Dad’s FT caregiver the best arrangement for him, especially when other less risky options are available?”
You might discuss options you can think of. The TWO of them going into care--some facilities have both ALF and MC on premises, would be ideal, and allow Mom time of her own. However, the cost would be quite enormous,and that must be a consideration.
I sure wish you luck and hope you will let us know what options you come up with.
Full-time caregivers need to be prepared for the possibility of their predeceasing the person they care for if they intend to care for that person until "death do us part."
My husband has late moderate stage Alzheimer's. We have been married for nearly 57 years. Because I loathe the idea of our son and his family having to deal with the burden of burying me and placing my husband, I am admitting my husband into Memory Care on July 5. I pray every day that nothing happens to me to prevent me from completing my husband's move.
My husband living in Memory Care will be a financial sacrifice. I am selling our home so that I can cover the $9K memory care monthly fee for many years. Ultimately, when I am no longer able to live independently, I will move to assisted living. All I have to do is survive to fulfill my goals of taking care of my husband and not becoming a burden to our beloved son and his family.
My suggestion? Mom shouldn't kill herself so dad can live, b/c then dad will have to go into managed care ANYWAY.
"Marriage vows" are intended to include BOTH parties involved in the marriage, not just one.
Your father's life is not 'more important' than your mother's life: both lives have equal value.
Your mother can hire help; whether it's in the form of a housekeeper, or a caregiver to come into the house to care for dad in some form, since you say he 'is declining' but not HOW he is declining. Groceries can be delivered, meals can be sent to her home from restaurants, etc. There are many ways to cut down on what mom herself has to do to keep the house running AND caring for dad at the same time. She, of course, has to agree to pay extra for help or services to lessen her load.
What is Plan B if/when mom is hospitalized for a serious illness or breakdown? What happens to dad during that time she's incapacitated? You should ask her that question b/c it's a very real probability. Even the most 'capable' Superwoman on earth breaks down under a heavy enough load. Nobody is invincible, especially at an advanced age.
If you have siblings, perhaps you can all chip in to arrange services to help mom. A housecleaning service, a meal/restaurant delivery service, a caregiving service like Home Instead, etc. Perhaps if it's paid for in advance she will have a harder time turning it down and then she may see how nice it is to have the help.
My DH thought he was invincible and would live forever until everything fell apart in 2019, starting with the emergency need for a pacemaker. Then triple bypass surgery in 2020. Then a liver transplant last month. If he'd have taken better care of himself for decades past, perhaps we wouldn't be in the situation we find ourselves in today: with me doing everything for BOTH of us. My housekeeper is coming next week & I'm accepting help from all sorts of avenues. If I break down, THEN what?? I recognize the need to take care of myself and not be Superwoman 24/7. That's the key to everything, I think. I have no desire for my family to be crying at my funeral anytime soon! #Truth
Wishing you the best of luck getting mom to see the light BEFORE she requires medical attention herself.
hugs and prayers
Wishing you the best💕and so sorry to hear of your father’s decline.
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