Mom insists that I pay myself for her care. What should I do in this case? - AgingCare.com

Mom insists that I pay myself for her care. What should I do in this case?

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I moved my elderly mother into my home and have been taking care of her for over 6 years since the death of my father. She has constantly insisted that I pay myself for her care because my other siblings do nothing and very seldom visit and she knows that they are going to have their hands out if something happens to her. She has shared her request with my former husband and others. What should I do in a case like this?

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If you actually need the money take it, otherwise just say you are and don't explain otherwise to her because she can no longer understand anything "too complicated."
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I could not have taken care of my Mom 24/7 without compensation. I have bills. Fortunately, my state offers pay for caregivers as Home Health Aide. I had to take state mandated training and continuing education courses to stay certified.

If you can afford to not get paid... good for you. As it was, I was working poor the entire time I took care of my Mom. But I'd do it again. No regrets.
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capnhardass, if one of your sons neglects you in your dottering old age and the other takes good care of you, you'd better compensate the caregiver in the here-and-now. Chances are very good that they'll wind up splitting the change jar as an inheritance, if you develop any expensive chronic conditions.

Putting off compensation until after your death can wind up being no compensation at all.
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I don't understand that mindset, my parents took care of me for free, so I should do the same for them . . .?? I hardly think we are comparing apples here, when your parents chose to bring you into this world and raise you from newborn to young adult, even if they didn't plan to have a baby, gee, let's face it, they engaged in behavior that resulted in a child being born. I never wanted to be a caregiver, I worked since childhood at being a free spirit, self-supporting, spontaneous, a "gypsy," so to speak. Through my being a caring person, I have been caring for my mother for 24 years now, that was after my brother setting things up for her to move in with him and his girlfriend and totally neglecting her afterward, as he decided to be with somebody else and was out motelling it while his then girlfriend was doing some jail time. I left my job because I could not work then care for my mother in my spare time, she needed around the clock supervision then--and now. After going through all of my savings, retirement and losing my homeowner status, my father passed away and my mother got a whopping raise by getting his social security, doubling her monthly income. I was living like a pauper, and her the queen now, and she didn't see why she should pay me anything! I already signed the quitclaim deed so she could reverse mortgage the home we purchased together in 2007 and put our life savings down on, couldn't even get a home equity loan on the $250,000 we put down due to the real estate crisis at the time; it was just $$ down the toilet, I had no savings and only a small pension from retiring at a young age, that wasn't enough to live on. My flake of a brother was dead-set against Mother paying me anything to care for her--some gratitude, eh? And he still is, but I finally convinced her that my dad would have wanted her to share with me, just as I had with her for the 15 years previous to that. I think she still thinks the $600/mo she pays me is too much and resents me for it, and my brother talks crap about me, that is, inbetween cruises with yet another girlfriend. The last one was 2 or 3 weeks I believe, they come over here and invited my sister to to go Vegas with them for New Year's, and said nothing to me about it. Of course not, they lknow I cannot go anywhere when I am responsible for caring for my mother! I have requested that bro come the 60 miles once a month to take mom to lunch, but he never replied nor ever considered doing it. He was always her favorite growing up, and so the family dynamics continue. I don't know how my own family can be so uncaring and mean, apparently out of guilt and denial. It really sickens me how this family has deteriorated since my daddy's death or, probably before that. My father remarried after my mother divorced him, choosing to smoke cigarettes over staying married to him, and daddy lived out of state for several years which I do not blame him a bit! I understand you who so proudly say that you don't want to be paid for caring for your loving parents, and do it out of love. If your role as caregiver lasts 10, 15, 20 or more years, let me hear back from you, k?
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i have two sons. if one helps me in my latter years the other can count on inheriting the change jar. its just nickels and pennies and a few metric bolts. they are british metric bolts and dont actually fit anything anymore.. if neither helps me the parrot is going to have a nice home in the country with at least 2 monkey butlers..
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Mariea, something else you can do is something I wanted my parents to do when I first moved in. I talked to my mother about paying me $2000 a month, and I would put the money in a savings account. My thought is that it would be a good way to honestly stash some money for later if they needed it -- IOW, an honest way to keep some money if they should have to go on Medicaid. If they ran out of money for some reason, I would have the money in the account. My mother was not interested in doing this, but it may be something you want to consider for yourself.
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Mariea, take your Mom to an attorney and draw up a caregivers contract. Keep exact records of all she gives you and pay taxes on it. Please remember this is not your "moms money," its your help-less siblings inheritence that they don't deserve if they are not helping. They will come with their hands out if anything happens to your Mom so you have to cover yourself and do it the right way. I did it this way, recomended to me by a lawyer and its approximately $15 an hour for 8 hours a day, or can be anything your mom agrees with. I took my Mother into my home also and she has outlived her money so now I am basically paying it back in her care of what SS and the VA doesnt cover, which is fine. I never wanted it to begin with but when my helpless siblings started asking her for money and accused me of taking it, I got a lawyer and did it right. Good Luck, you do deserve it!
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I agree, Mishka. I am going to borrow Jeanne's words from here on out.
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I like that, jeannegibbs , - "the dignity of paying her own way" . :0) nicely stated, IMO.
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Do the right thing. Allow your mother the dignity of paying her own way. Allow her this means of compensating the daughter who is helping her without taking the drastic step of making unequal distributions in her will.

By all means, allow Mother to pay you! And use the money for whatever you want. Don't set it aside for her ... that defeats the whole concept.

BUT ... have a personal care and/or room and board agreement drawn up that spells out exactly what she is getting and what she is paying. This will keep Medicaid (should that ever be necessary) from treating it as gifts (even the government understands that people pay their own way if they can) and also keep siblings or other relatives from claiming that you've already received your "inheritance." Nope. This is not a gift and it is not an advance on your inheritance, if any. Just do the paperwork to make that clear.
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