Mom in skilled nursing facility won't try, seems to be giving up, what can I do?

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My mom is in SNF post pneumonia. She has been declining PT for different reasons, breathlessness sometimes and stomach cramps and diarrhea others. I'm told that they don't do tests or administer extra medicines unless requested, so I've requested a CBC and chest x-ray to see if the pneumonia has cleared up. She asked for something for the bowel problem and someone told her they were going to get her something but it hadn't come in yet. The PT guy told her that if she doesn't participate, she will have to leave the facility. I have no idea what I should do with her if that happens. I've asked for a psychiatrist to come see her for her depression and hopelessness, but they don't have a full-time person on staff. I've also contacted her regular LCSW, but she hasn't contacted me back. If she can't get past the depression, there's not much hope for her to regain any physical strength. She won't qualify for medicaid yet...I tried to tell her about the look back, but it's only been 3 years since her transfer of assets (which was actually money she owed me, but not sure if Medicaid will accept our agreement). If she has to go self-pay for full time care, we'll both be broke in a few months. I feel awful...I've been trying to be encouraging, but I'm losing my patience with her. She has made such a long string of bad choices and didn't take care of herself, and now I feel like I'm stuck. I can't take care of her at home unless she is stronger. I'm wondering if she feels like she has nothing to look forward to and just wants to die, if I should bring up the subject of hospice, or if that would make me a horrible person as if I were telling her that I was giving up on her? It wouldn't be so bad, but I have a disabled son who I'm trying to help gain his independence and my daughter is starting college and working nearly full time. Husband just started a new job and there are so many decisions to be made that it's getting really stressful. It just feels like there's not enough of me to go around.

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Until today, she didn't fully grasp the seriousness of her condition...well intellectually she does, but it hasn't hit her fully emotionally. It is just beginning to sink in...denial is turning to anger and regret...
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Amicable's mom probably senses her time on Earth is coming to an end and wants to spend what time she has left at home.
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Reading your post is a deja vu of my experience with my mom. I'd often pray that she'd rally "one more time", then I'd grieve when she got even worse, and then....
she'd rally one more time.
I totally understand what you mean about the roller coaster.
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Thanks Sally. I visited my mom today and she looked bright and chipper, joking with the nurses. It's the roller coaster that's the hard part...one day near death, the next very much alive, yet we know how it will end up. I'm just trying to think of the time beyond, and although I'll miss her greatly, part of me looks forward to some freedom from all the responsibility and heartache.
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The situation with my mom sounds similar to yours. After a shattered hip due to a fall in her home, brought her into a rehab facility, my mom never took her rehab seriously ("I'll do it tomorrow").
Eventually her rehab stay turned into "long term care" (nursing home) in the same facility. It was very sad to watch her declne.
Somewhere along the way, I saw an elder care attorney. The money and time I spent was well worth it. This attorney explained to me in detail what needed to be done to get my mother "Medicaid Ready." At least I was able to preserve a little bit of her hard earned savings. The last place on earth my mother wanted to live was in a nursing home, and if she knew that's where her money was going she would have been even sadder than she already was. If there was ANY way on earth that she could have moved in with me, my husband, and kids, that's what we would have done. I also worked full time. At that time, however, she wasn't able to walk, had become incontinent shortly after going into the rehab, and was aspirating. (She didn't have any of those problems before the fall.
Amicable, I'm sorry that you're going through this I understand the pain.
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Sigh. Hospitalized again, and this time it's worse. She rallied for a day or two, but three days short of going home, suddenly it's awful. There seems to be a mass in her lung, and her doc says it's time to talk about hospice.
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If she is prescribed meds for depression, will she take them? My mom started on them and they have really made a huge difference. And she's in her 70's. I never thought she would actually consult with a psychiatrist and take meds, but it's happening.

I suppose that I would weigh the need for those funds against how much you can endure at home. If she's not truly ill, she may have years ahead of her. Hopefully, if her mental state improves, it could mean good days a head. I wish you the best!
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Thanks Jeanne...currently trying to make an appointment...the VA system only has availability after 2 months' wait. Hoping for a vet's choice referral. Sheesh...if you're bleeding, you can go to the ER, but no way to get immediate help when you're having an emotional/intellectual crisis. Now I find out she's being discharged today...gearing up for the changes. Hopefully her care team will have some suggestions. I wish we could just delay it through the weekend...at least her "regular" LCSW called yesterday and made a good point. She said I shouldn't have to work harder at fixing her depression than she does!
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"I think I may need to seek some help myself...hard to be cheerful and encouraging when all I feel now is used and resentful."

Yes! This is very perceptive of you. You deserve this ... not just to be able to encourage your mother, but because you are a fine, caring person who deserves happiness. You are the only you the world has. Take care of you!
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I'm completely sure it's her mental health state. I've requested a social worker and a mental health exam, but they haven't responded yet. I put another request in this evening. She won't lift a finger to help herself get better and gets mad at me when I suggest things. She sleeps and reads all day, keeps making excuses. I am starting to understand why my dad left her and why she never remarried!
This is so draining. I would ask my brother to take over, but he and his wife just spent the last 10 years of their lives caring for her mother, who just passed away a few days ago. Can't do that to him, and he's pretty ill-equipped to handle it anyway. The funeral was today, so didn't want to call him and bother him about all this. And yes, if Medicaid won't accept our agreement, then I'll have to spend the money that should have been ours. Pretty angry about that, given that she has done nothing but take from me and hubs for the last 11 years. I think I may need to seek some help myself...hard to be cheerful and encouraging when all I feel now is used and resentful. Thanks for the hugs...helps so much just to know someone understands!
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