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I mentioned palliative care, but she dismissed it because she does not believe in it. She walks very gingerly and cannot stay on her feet for long periods of time. She sits in a chair with her eyes closed and brows furrowed, clearly in some kind of pain. When I offer ideas to help relieve the pain, she refuses because she is skeptical about their effectiveness. Do I let her be and wait for her to finally admit she needs help? Do I mention this to her doctor (who would have to swear to never tell her that I told them)? Will doctors that witness this kind of discomfort insist that she take something for pain or admit her to the hospital - even if she tells them that everything is fine? I have healthcare POA but if I invoke it, our already fragile mother-daughter relationship would fracture beyond repair.

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As far as the pain is concerned, I don't think there's anything you can do for her. As her healthcare POA can you make decisions on her behalf when she's competent? Or does she have dementia? If your relationship with her is fragile I'd leave her alone. I understand you not wanting her to be in pain and I'm sure it's very difficult for you but she knows there are medications available to alleviate her pain, she just opts not to take them. If her pain gets severe enough maybe she'll change her mind.

addies, it's clear that living alone and trying to keep up with household chores has gotten to be too much for your mom. She might just not want to admit it. She might be afraid of giving up the control she feels she has. You have sisters. Can someone get mom out of the house for a while so someone can do her laundry and clean up? No one wants to see their parent living like that, you might have to insist on doing a load of laundry and let her get mad at you. Do it in stages if you have to. What's your first priority? Mine would be the feces on the rug. Try to get that cleaned up while mom is gone. Next visit tackle something else. Baby steps. Or you could try talking to her, telling her that you would like her to have a nice, clean living environment and would she please let you make things nice for her. Keep it positive and about how nice it would be for her as opposed to how filthy things are. She may realize that she's let things go and it may scare her. Ease into it.
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My mom just turned 89 yrs old. a very stubbord fisty, spanish speaking set in her ways, does not want any help from a caregiver, she does sleep alot and has the heater on like 90degrees, very hot! Her living conditions are unhealthy, she does not cook anymore, expects us (daughters) to bring her something to eat everyday even though she doesn't eat that much. I don't think she has bathe in a long while. She wears very diry clothes, I offer to do her wash, she gets angry. Her bathroom was dirty on the rugs with feces, and the hallway. I try to clean she gets angry and tell's me to leave. What should I do. Not good leaving conditions. Also will not go see her doctor for follow up.
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Tell her if she loves you she would do it for you and for herself so she wont suffer in pain and it hurts you to see her like that! Just keep telling her every other day my mom said the same thing but then she goes she has her good days and bad but she went with me my mom.
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Wondering if you can get a health nurse in to see her in the home. can you take her out for tea, and then go to the doctor? It sounds like she is in pain, and like others have already said, its important to find out the cause. I am so sorry for her, and for you to be in this situation. Good luck.
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Thank you Chicago 1954. I have a similar situation with my 91-year father who will not tell me if he's in discomfort or pain, and prior to his mild stroke, never told me anything about his health anyway. He is so independent, stubborn and private that I am not sure if he is fearful of doctors or fearful of the cost. I'm thinking, much to my dismay, that I'll just have to wait until a situation is unbearable for him. So heartbreaking to think that my last resort is to "wait it out".
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First, do you know WHY your mother is in pain? Is it caused by something (fall/fracture/etc.) that needs to be treated? My mother did the same last year before we found out she had a fractured hip. I believe it's a generational thing to "suffer through it until it gets better" if tylenol doesn't alleviate the pain. When her pain got worse to the point she could barely move, however, she FINALLY told me she couldn't stand it anymore & asked the doctor for pain meds - we then found out what the source of the pain was. It started out as hairline fractures within her hip socket due to osteoporosis, and they got worse over time. Assuming there isn't the same type of thing going on with your Mom, let her know that there are pain meds out there that won't knock her out (if that's what she's afraid of) and that she doesn't HAVE to suffer like she is. Once she realizes that it's OK to take the medication without there being a stigma attached to it - that's what they are there for - she may be more open to taking them.
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We just had to wait "for something to happen." I know it is awful, but we let Mother be on her own as long as we could. She broke her collar bone and is now in the hospital. I don't like telling an adult what to do and we avoided it as long as possible. It is hard to understand why someone wouldn't try something for pain, isn't it?
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I have the same type of problem with my mom--please send some answers that will help--I am at a loss
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