Mom is in a nursing home against her will. There are other options! This is wrong! What can I do?

Follow
Share

My brother, who convinced our mom to sign over POA to him, along with her house, the family accounting business, its stocks, and the land and building for the business, solely to him, when she Went to live in his home. (They moved her bedroom furniture without consulting with my older sister or me.) She was told he would fairly divide everything between my (now deceased) sister and me. He has now sold all of her assets, all of her personal possessions and furniture from her home, divided them up between himself, his now ex-wife, and his kids and grandkids, and left two 10 x 12 cardboard boxes of what they didn't want for me. He has also now put her in a nursing home against her will. She has never been declared incompetent. She forgets that she has said things, gets confused, but she certainly knows that she has been 'dropped off' and left alone with no power to leave. I want to bring her to a facility in my state, 10 minutes from my home, where she can spend her days with me (I'm home all day) and my family, and her nights there where she can be cared for in case she wanders at night. I have wanted for years for momma to come live with me, but they would never allow it UNTIL her Medicaid was recently in danger of being denied, due to my brother's incompetency to prove with documentation that she had no assets when she was granted Medicaid. I was thrilled to come and get her. Toured and set up the best nursing home here for her. But because one of my brother's grown kids, who lives 1 1/2 hours away from the nursing home where my mom is and visits maybe every other weekend, threw a fit and accused him of 'taking her grandma away from her' (while she lives happily with her DAUGHTER), he has now had a 'change of heart' and has told me that if she is allowed to keep her Medicaid which is in the appeal process now, (without my being allowed to review the documents sent despite repeatedly asking) she will stay where she is, even against her will and despite the fact that both she and I want her to move here. They even tell everyone 'she just loves it there,' which is a blatant lie. I want to LEGALLY and yes, quietly, bring her here. Her doctor even tells me, 'your mother would thrive there with you and your family!' I'm in for the fight of my life, but my sweet momma deserves to spend her last days (or years) on earth feeling happy, wanted, and loved. Where do I start? Please be specific. Thanks in advance!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
12

Answers

Show:
Yes, thanks all for your input and suggestions. I'm in the process of setting up an appointment with an Elder Lawyer to see what my options are, in each state. I'll keep you all posted as maybe this can help someone else in this awful situation. I know momma won't be thrilled being in a home, but that's only for sleeping mostly of the time and she did well when I was there with her a few days. Her Dr. told me that there are lawyers who can find loopholes in fines for Medicaid if it comes to that. But I still have a fight ahead if Medicaid continues (researching for application in my state as well.) I'm just not going to let my greedy selfish family put my mother in their hip pocket so they can make themselves feel better by dropping in on her, especially since she's alone there more than not. People, learn from us, we thought our family would never do this, we always knew my brother and his wife were selfish but never dreamed they would do this. Get everything settled in writing while your parents are still clear-thinking and with you! Or as my daddy used to say, 'Trust everybody but brand your own cattle!'
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I think what you need to keep in mind is that Mama is not going to like being in a home no matter where it is, close to you or not. The only way you are going to recover any of her money is if it has not been spent. It sounds like brother has squirreled it away and possibly spent it all on untracable assets. As POA, you can pay for copies of the records from stocks, brokers, banks which will show where the money was sent, but that can cost time and money. If there is nothing left to recover, no lawyer will pick this up because there is no source to pay atty fees.

As hard as this seems, it might be best for you and your husband to not allow your brother's mistakes to affect your finances. If you grab the POA and your mother is required to back pay , you would need to find an atty to sue brother for the funds, and he has none. How about waiting to see how the Medicaid works out? I'd also send him another letter in writing that says that you are not financially responsible for debts of your mother, and those will need to be considered before you move her physically. The amount Medicaid might want could be in the 100K zone, and that should fall to your brother.

And you know you can go to another town to get an elder attorney, yes?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If you are in a different state your mom will have to apply for Medicaid in your state, as Medicaid doesn't transfer from state to state like Medicare.
I am thinking you need a lawyer as stated above. I am sorry your brother created this mess. He is on SSI and gave your mom's money to his ex-wife and kids? 
I hope it works out for your mother and you. 
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

What did he do with Mama's money? Does he have an addiction? Gambling problems?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I totally agree with you Kimber166 and CTTN55. It shouldn't be on me monetarily. My brother has run through all of my sister and her husband's money, my mother's money, and is now going after mine. My husband has worked hard since he was very young and doesn't deserve to pay for my brother's thievery and dishonesty. That said, my brother has no money, only a social security check each month. I don't know who would pay for momma's care. We have told my brother in writing that if Medicaid is cut off for momma, and he won't pay the fees, he must, to our full satisfaction, give us complete control over momma and supply every document we require, and then we will bring her here where she wants to be. But my issue is that she does NOT want to be where she is, and wants to be near her daughter (me). So it shouldn't have to be a case of whether it costs me to give her what she wants or not. If she has Medicaid, she should still be able to come here, and because he's too selfish to allow it, I want to take legal action and make it happen. It's so hard to find a ruthless Elder Lawyer who can get the job done. They don't have a Google search for that! 😉
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This is complicated, and it sounds as if your brother has basically stolen money from your mother. So if money needs to be paid before Medicaid kicks in, why are you allowing him to put it on you? Sounds as if you have already agreed to this.

As Kimber166 says, why are you even involved at all? Let your brother handle EVERYTHING. After all, he distributed your mother's assets already. Why is she your responsibility???
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Why not let brother handle everything, including Medicaid denial and taking care of mom and the finances?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Jeanegibbs, thanks again for your input. Momma is 'all mine' if Medicaid is declined, because someone will have to pay out of pocket either the thousands it would take to reinstate it plus the back pay reimbursement for the days she stayed in the nursing home from the time the letter from Medicaid was sent (May 8). Yes, who owned the house is public record, that's how I found out my sister had originally been given the house. But Medicaid is not prone to go and search this out to help mom's case. There was a profit from the sale of the house and the business and he has to show documentation for where it went. I needed that and the other documents he has to go to my lawyer here and see if we coukd somehow get fees waived, etc. Momma's Dr. advised that I do this. And yes, Medicaid will discover that, but Momma will pay for that, and I will have to pay all the missing money in order to get her Medicaid reinstated. The reason I waited for the POA is that there is only one lawyer in town, he works for my brother, and word gets around quickly. I wanted to spend the precious little time I had while I was there tending to my mom and giving her all my attention. I don't have a lawyer in that state YET, but I will have the next time I go. I will be prepared.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If your brother screwed up the Medicaid process, why is Mom "all yours" if it is denied?

Who owned the house when is public record. Why would you need his copies of the records? And if something illegal is going on Medicaid will discover it.

I don't understand the waiting to change POA. You make arrangements with a lawyer from a nearby town, go into the nursing home with him or her, mother signs the document in the presence of a notary, the deed's done. Then you and a lawyer can represent her in the Medicaid process. What am I missing?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thanks jeanegibbs and freqflyer for taking the time to answer! I do appreciate the insight! jeanegibbs: mom's house was actually deeded to my (now deceased) sister when she was still living, outside of the 5 years, but somehow my brother was able to replace his name with hers, three years ago, hence the reason Medicaid was flagged. If Medicaid is denied 'she's all mine' as I've been advised by dear brother. Yes, we do know that POA can be changed, but I'm going to have to strike quickly and quietly to get this done because every roadblock will be put in my way if part of the 'family' gets wind of what I'm trying to do for my momma.
Freqflyer: I so appreciate your insight on bringing her to my home. I won't be able to do this every single day but if you knew the circumstances with my mom you would know why I think she needs it, at this time. Open to change of course as memory issues progress. This is a small town where the nursing home is, and everyone knows everyone. This is how my brother was able to get her in so easily. There's no evaluation, just his word that she 'needs' to be there and that was that. And I know for a fact that the 'little town' lawyer, definitely not an elder lawyer, did not speak to her for POA. I'm waiting on the decision by Medicaid but I don't have the confidence that all documentation has been submitted to satisfy the questions asked. I need to somehow subpoena his records to get them. I'm really afraid something illegal is going on because of his reluctance to send me the documents. I'm trying to follow up the best way I know how without 'tipping my hand' before I can get everything done.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.