Mom in memory care for 9 months still asks me when she can go home. Do they ever stop asking?

I asked the same question a few months ago because my dad keeps asking me and his PT the same question over and over again, this has been going on for 2y 7m. My siblings keeps telling me I should tell him the truth and by instinct I never told him that this is his permanent home, I am terrified he will run away again or give up on life. What I tell him is that he needs to get better before he can leave and only a dr can approve him leaving. So now every dr I take him to he asks when he can go back home. His dream is that he will buy a pickup truck place a mattress on the back and go prospecting gold and stones. He tells everyone at the facility that he is leaving next month.

As I know for over 2 years now is that it is all he remembers, what he used to do when he was healthier and younger that has been his hobby for as long as I can remember.

If your mom has a neuro dr talk to the neuro so the dr plays along with the waiting to get better.

It is not easy but it is part of this terrible and cruel illness.

Best wishes to you and yours

I am also an only child with a Mom who has been in AL for almost 3 months.

I've become such a liar...but here are some concrete 'lies' that have worked for me so far..

I tell her I am actively looking for a house in the neighborhood that she calls 'home'...."haven't been able to find one yet...and have you seen the price of housing these days??" Then show her (using a website) what she can get for the money she has.

I told her she burned down her kitchen (grabbed a burned kitchen picture off the internet) and we are still doing repairs....

When she begs me....I just respond with "Mom, I promise you I am doing everything I can to help you". "I'll do my best" "hopefully it will work out" and so on and so forth.

The lie about the Dr. saying she can't go home yet doesn't really work for me, she just insists I call him right that minute and get him to release her.

The good thing is I can tell her something different each and every time...because she doesn't remember the lies I've already told. :(

What a horrible disease. It helps me to think of it not as guilt...but grief. I am so sorry that my Mom has to deal with the broken brain, and I miss the Mom I used to have. I am grieving who she used to be.

I am sorry this is happening to you, too.

Hugs.

yes they will keep asking, just tell her that as soon as you get with the doctor to find out when it is okay......she has to stay there. then talk about something from her childhood in hopes it will take her mind off of it (but probably won't)... just keep answering the same way. wishing you luck.

My brother and I fib with partial truth...we told our mother that she wanted to get a smaller place that she could easily maintain, since the house was too big for her to clean and mow the yard and she liked this place (where she is currently at). We also told her since moving her into her new apartment the house has since sold and the couple who purchased it, is now living in the house....Basically, it is all true except the part she picked out her new place for her to live.....My mother asked to go home for 3 years after being place in a memory care center and we tell her the same story above. She doesn't remember what she was told each time she visit her. She also talked about needed to drive to go get some groceries or just to go shopping and the same story my brother and I would tell her, don't you remember you let Aaron (brother's son) borrow your vehicle so he had a way to go to work since his car is in the shop and they had to order a part and he is waiting for the part to come in. My mom answers Oh yes, I remember and sometimes she will add it sure is taking a long time for the part to come in. We just agree with her. She doesn't remember that she hadn't drove in over 5 yrs.

Imho, when they ask "to go home," they may be referring to their childhood home, et al. Just keep remembering that your mother has a broken brain and as such, it's common for her to be repetitive.

The best advice I rec'd when my mother started suffering with memory issues is the following. Join their journey. What does that mean? Try to get into her head, if at all possible. Stop feeling guilty. She is well cared for and safe, and that's what is important now.

You don't have to avoid all conversations just because they don't make sense to you. Yes, you can redirect and deflect and avoid the topic, but maybe you can also just have the conversation. You also don't have to tell the truth, because you know she's not going home, but she doesn't know that. You could say, "in a couple of days".

Do they ever stop asking? There's no way to predict this. My mother never asks this question, but another woman at her facility asks it constantly.

Visit your mom, try to find something pleasant to do with her while you are there. Be in the moment with her, because that's where she is. Be with her, in the moment. Join the journey.

Today mom called me and told me she wants out of this place. She says there’s nothing wrong with her and she needs to go home (I guess she doesn’t know she has dementia). I told her to ask the caregivers there if they know anything, says they tell her they don’t know anything, but they say there’s a pandemic out there...and she doesn’t care, she needs to go home. She tells me to talk to the dr, and then says “let’s go to the house on Monday and call the dr. and ask if I can go home” ????. .I just said ok mom.
This is getting harder to deal with. I know I just need to keep putting her off, but it gets harder. Mom has always been pushy.

https://teepasnow.com/blog/how-to-calm-a-person-living-with-dementia-who-is-wanting-to-go-home/

Do they ever stop asking? I was not prepared for this and unsure I will ever be prepared for the pleading to go home! Initially I was reading they will settle (not necessarily all from this forum). I’ve started to believe, that maybe they do not settle but we settle and give out and tune out or stop going to avoid our own personal pain or to keep from witnessing the pain we feel they are experiencing. Maybe both!

I too get heartbroken and some nights I toss and turn wondering how he is doing and if he is getting adequate care or if it’s just another version of the care he was receiving at home with the exception of getting meds on time and meals.

All I know is that last night even reading this post made me very, very sad and I could not handle any input until today. However, I was glad to see truth that they may never stop asking and read some fresh ideas from others. I have to mentally prepare for my visits and if I ever find a way to make other arrangements I may or may not try.

I'm so so thankful for you posting this question first of all and thankful for those posting with honesty!

We constantly refer to the memory care as home. If she asks where she is we say you are at home. When we are walking around the facility and return to her room we say we are home now. For now it seems to make sense to her.

I think the prison thing might be common. my 88 yr old mom who lives with us thinks the ceiling light "moves" because it has cameras. Total spy kind of stuff.