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Hello! Mom has been in an independent senior living place for a few years now. She has been getting progressively worse with hearing and dementia. Her short-term memory is practically gone now. She has caregivers in 24/7 now. She recently was hospitalized after a fall after getting out of bed in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. She banged her head and had a mild concussion and several cuts on her face requiring stitches. She contracted a C-diff infection in the hospital. We contacted the facility where she lives and they have a Memory Care available, but not immediately. She is back in her regular apartment with the 24/7 caregivers. The Memory apartment will be ready in about a week. Our task is to get her there, it's in the same building. All agree (siblings and staff at hospital, docter, etc.) that is where she should be. PROBLEM: She is extremely proud and in the past all suggestions were met with a fierce pitched battle. When driving was restricted...pitched battle. Moving to the senior living...pitched battle. After much arguing, crying, swearing, finally worn down and would accept. In this situation, she always looked down (filters gone) on the folks from memory care or assisted living and now she will end up there!


Any ideas how to approach it now? I know to use the "inform" don't "ask" technique. But exactly what to say? What if she becomes violent? Thanks in advance!

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What about telling Mom they are going to remodel ( “fix”, “update”, etc.) her apartment and that she has to go stay in “the other room that’s available now”? The therapeutic fib. Of course, her apartment will never be ready to move back into. When you leave after visiting her, assure her you’ll check on “her” apartment to see if it’s ready yet and let her know. If she at some point realizes she is in the place she shunned, tell her this was the only room available while her apartment is being worked on.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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breadbaker Aug 16, 2018
Thank you for your reply. I'm not sure this would work with her, though...
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My mom went directly from living at my home to living in a memory care facility at the recommendation of her gerontologist . Someone - I believe possibly my sister in an attempt to get her to accept the move - told her that she would just be there for treatment until her symptoms improved. Of course, the symptoms won't ever improve and she will likely go from this facility to a full care nursing home. However, I can see the difference this facility makes with the progression of the dementia. They offer exercise classes to keep her fit and mobile, activities that challenge her memory and keep it functional, and outings that help her feel like she's still part of the outside world. When she was home with me, I worked 8 hours a day and had kids to care for, dinner to make, dishes to do, lawn work and house work. I just didn't have the time to do the things for her that the facility can. She went from bed to bathroom to couch with no one her own age to socialize with. She does complain - constantly - about being at the facility, but it has been good for her. The dementia continues to worsen, but I believe at a much slower pace than it would if she were not there.
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Reply to lablover64
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breadbaker Aug 16, 2018
This is a great response! Her new place will offer her more things to do than we could do when we visit, etc.
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keep telling her the assisted living is for her medical conditions. (not mental)

tell her she will be safer and it will help her stay healthier. (OK I am exaggerating. still can still fall, can still get sick )

tell her IL pretty much same as AL. But just more people to help. 

my mom does the same thing. looked down on people w memory problems. like "oh that poor lady! I hope I never get like that" (surprise you 'are' just like that)
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Reply to wally003
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breadbaker Aug 14, 2018
Yes, thanks! Very good suggestions!
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I don’t know much, but I do know you cannot physically force someone to walk into a unit. Unless someone has guardianship of person due to her having the correct evaluation, she can refuse. Even if you do have guardianship, the nursing home told us that they could not physically force someone into a unit.
The social worker said that they would have to call the sheriff, have him transported to a psych ward at a hospital, get meds adjusted, and then get transferred to a facility that handles behavior problems.
We were told they could not put my Dad into a memory care unit if he had any aggressive or violent episodes until after 2 weeks of no incidents. For the safety of the other residents and staff.

What helped with with my Dad was telling him that if he did not cooperate that the sheriff would be called, and he would be taken to a ER and get a psych evaluation.
Even with his dementia, he understood he would be worse off, so he behaved. And got medication to help with his aggression and delusions. He is 90.
But if you don’t have any legal standing or the correct evaluations done, I don’t know how you can make someone do something they refuse.
All people have legal rights to make their own decisions unless they are determined through the courts to not have the capacity to manage their own health or finances.
I hope I didn’t alarm you, but you sound scared that this will not go well. Just sharing our experience and what we had to do to get Dad out of his apartment.
Hugs to you. I hope it works out to the best for you and your mother.
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Reply to PrairieLake
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breadbaker Aug 14, 2018
Thank you for this. I know a bit about this because I had to contact an attorney when my dad had issues. He passed away a few years ago. I know you cannot force anyone if they don't wanna go. Also guardianship has its own issues. The attorney said in order to get that there is a very high bar and the person must be "slobbering on themselves" (an exact quote) for it to be awarded. The other problem with that is that the judge may award the guardianship to someone other than family at their discretion. So the lesson with guardianship is to stay out of court and only used for the most dire circumstances!
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My Mom was further along than yours, I think. But she was aware that she was not at her AL and asked where she was. My daughter told her she was getting a new apartment where she would meet new people.

I would take her to a common area while you clean out her room. After it was all done, I would then take her to her new room. I would explain that the doctor had determined she needed more care. Also, that the 24/7 caregiving was expensive and using up her money. Let her get mad. It is now what she needs not what she wants.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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breadbaker Aug 14, 2018
Thanks for your answer. All good ideas.
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