Mom in board and care. Is it possible she will ever like it?

Supposedly there is a "grieving" period when someone is placed in a home. Give it time. I know it's not easy. Try to visit often and have others visit. When you visit encourage her to join in in activities, make friends. It's not easy for the elderly to adapt to new things. Some adapt quicker than others. Just know you are not the only one in this situation.

I understand and hear you. Sometimes we forget that it's completely normal for our LO to not like going to a facility, no matter how nice it is or how necessary it is. It is not only a drastic change, but something that it the strongest evidence ever that life for them will never be the same. These formerly vibrant, loving, sharp, adventurous souls are forever changed and they can no longer do what they cherished. In answer to your question, yes, it is possible that she will grow to like it. We found a lovely board and care home for my mom, who was getting weaker and weaker from Parkinson's and a couple of falls. We considered it temporary for her to get full-time care until she recovered. We thought she might not be able to return home but didn't communicate that to her. Then came Covid and she was stuck. She grew to love the caregivers there, who were wonderful as her dementia got worse. But she was always sad that she wasn't with my dad in their home (my dad was sad also but understood that she needed to be taken care of). Please don't feel guilty. You are doing what is necessary to keep her safe. Visit her as often as you can and/or video chat. Be part of her life and try to change the subject. Fortunately, mom and dad were able to see each other in person after more than a year apart due to Covid, and when my mom got worse and passed away, my dad followed her three and half weeks later. They are together again, without pain and in a wonderful place. I wish you strength and peace.

The thing to do is twofold:
First, call the ALF to find out how mom is doing. These elders are well known for having a good time with the activities and with the social life in general, then calling US to lay on the guilt nice & thick. It's entirely possible your mom is doing just that. So ask the staff what's REALLY going on? Is mom joining in the activities or sulking in her room all day? Can they send you a photo via text of her playing bingo or laughing at an activity?

If she IS hiding out in her room, get the Activities Director involved. Ask that s/he go knock on mom's apartment door and urge her to come out and join in. At my mother's place, they do that ALL the time. It's not an unreasonable request for you to make, at all.

Secondly, you have to allow mom to adjust; it can take quite a while for that to actually happen, depending on how social a person she is to begin with. My mother hated to be alone, so she would seek others out and get involved. She adjusted quickly to AL life, as a result. But once, after she was very sick with ulcerative colitis, she got VERY depressed. She refused to leave her apartment and I KNEW she was clinically depressed, not just being difficult b/c she wouldn't EAT. My mother's life revolves around food, she's an old ITALIAN! So I called her PCP and told him what was happening; he immediately put her on Wellbutrin and she turned around on a dime; it was as if someone had flipped a switch inside of her head & she came out of her funk! She got busy socializing again and that was the end of that, thank God.

So that was actually three suggestions I gave you to think about.
1. Give her time to adjust
2. Consider anti depressants if you think she's clinically depressed which is entirely possible with dementia and after being sick, etc.
3. Fact check with the staff. This is ALWAYS important especially as the dementia progresses. They tend to exaggerate aka lie, and twist stories to suit THEIR agenda, leaving us alarmed and wanting to rush in and 'fix' the horrible situation that isn't even REAL to begin with. #Truth.

Wishing you the best of luck figuring out what's really going on with mom.

It's certainly possible, but you have to accept that it may never happen and not beat yourself up over it! My mother went to assisted living rather unexpectedly last summer. It is one of the nicest places in the area, and seven months into the experience . . . she still hates it. She calls me often, crying to tell me she hates her life and wants to die. It breaks my heart that she pays $6K/month to be there. But I have to accept that she is where she needs to be. She has end stage renal failure and dementia, and she needs someone available 24 hours to help her. There is unfortunately no other viable option.

It's like summer camp or going away to college and having a roommate for the first time. You're homesick, you're out of step with everything that's going on, and things are unfamiliar. Eventually everything's peachy, and going home is what feels weird.

Time. She just needs time.

I’d be concerned that mom is gaslighting you…. That she’s actually adjusting to the rhythm of the board & care & making acquaintances & participating in activities but is looking for attention from you or in “guiltifying” you. If she is the type that has always been negative, she’s not going to change now at 93.

Here’s my suggestions, as Valentines is coming up soon ask the owner of the place as to your bringing in a snack or treat bag for everyone ahead of Valentines, and you go and help distribute them. Don’t let mom know either…. You want to be there to see what’s she’s doing and interacting with others. Ditto for doing something with the activities person, like ask if they are doing something for Mardi Gras or Easter and again you go to help. This way you can see from behind the scene as to how mom is doing.

My late MIL did the tragedy dramarama and yes she often got folks to believe her tale of woe. Her sons however knew better. When hubs would stop to visit her at her very nice NH that had her in a solo room with a balcony overlooking a well tended patio and terrific staff, I’d ask how it went, his response would inevitably be 8 out of 10 times “nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms”. The I’m feeling sorry for myself nursery rhyme. Some folks are just not going to be happy, you do your best to have them safe and secure and cared for, that’s what counts.

She may and she may not, but her reaction is likely to be the same her reactions have been all her life. This is one more loss in life to adapt to, and a big one. She will likely adapt (or not) as has been her wont in life.
I will leave you what my brother said about his going, at 84, into assisted living when he was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's Dementia: ever a kind and gentle and sensible man he said "You know, hon, it's a bit like the army. I don't much like it, but I am making the best of it" and that's exactly what he did. He picked roses out of the grounds and put them in vases on the dining tables in his cottage, a morning routine that replaced his lifetime of morning walks. He made, if not friends, of everyone, then nodding neighbors, and he advocated for people, made small gifts of compliments, etc. He was the same man in this that he had been all his life.
I hope Mom will adjust. I am sorry she is so unhappy, but you need to be certain not to replace your G words or mix them up. You will grieve your Mom's unhappiness; just see that you don't turn it into guilt.
If you are POA discuss a small dose anti depressant; for some it works wonders.
My brother ended by saying "You know the communes that were around when we were kids in the 60s? I think I just entered one. Everything is community meetings and negotiation. Pearl wants the shade up so she can draw. Miriam wants them down because of the glare. What's one to do."
I sure do hope for the best for your Mom. And the truth is that life isn't always about happiness. How many times in our lifetimes do we attain the perfect peace we want?

I am so glad I read your post
we are getting my dad into respite for a short period straight from hospital and he’s upset about it; he got teary and it broke my heart.
my mum is main carer (she’s 83! I’m 50) we have a carer coming in a few times a day to help with bathing dressing and catheter, but we all pitch in together and mum needs a break. I find it hard seeing and hearing him upset. I wanted to bring him home to live with me but deep deep down I know that’s not the answer and not what he wants
i hope your mum settles in - sending hugs

We were told it can take up to 6 months for transition. What we did was told her that she needs medical care and when she “gets better” we can look at other arrangements. Fast forward 3 months and she is fully transitioned! We felt we would never get there but we trusted the process

Give it more time. Its now what she needs not what she wants.

Whether she “likes” where she is living or not may have next to nothing about what you’ve lovingly provided, so don’t allow what she is saying about “coming home” to impact too much on what you’re offering to her.

Almost no one, EVER, enters a residential care setting and immediately embraces the new setting. Having dementia means NOT being able to make logical observations and decisions about one’s own lifestyle.

If she is cared for by her own physician, consider asking that person if a very small dose of antidepressant or anti anxiety medication might be worth trying.

Don’t get into detailed discussion about doctor’s orders or what she thinks, keep your visits short, but if you want, frequent. ALWAYS LEAVE if she gets argumentative or whiney and try again the next day.

My latest LO in residential care grew to love her surroundings gs before COVID, Then everything went to hell, but she has received excellent care throughout.
SAFETY and good physical care are most important just now.