Mom in AL and trying to lay guilt trip on me for not letting her live with my husband and I. Ideas how to respond?

She has probably played the guilt card all her life. Don't take the guilt card, end the conversation. If she lived with you she would complain about "staring at the four walls."

Please do your best to not feel guilty - especially since you know there's no realistic way you can care for your mother at home. I've had three back surgeries, actually need a fourth. I have permeate nerve damage in one of my legs - walk with a limp and can't stand or walk for too long at a time. My dr says no lifting over ten pounds - ever! I have put off a hysterectomy for a prolapse for two years now but surgeon say I need to have it done within a year now. I have a disabled son at home - 22 yrs old but functions at a two yr old level. I have only two bedrooms on the main floor - hubby's and mine and my sons. There is a "whatever" room in our basement currently serving as a "man cave". Can't have my son in the basement so if mom lived here that would be her space. Mom can't manage stairs beyond two or three and that's with almost total assist. I would be up and down all day for meals, bath rooming/accidents, get me this and get me that...if she fell while hubby was at work 911 would have to come pick her up and actually hubby isn't suspose to do anything strenuous due to a dual heart condition. Mom is well aware of all these things YET she is still mad that I won't let her live with me. This is one I can let roll off my back and feel not even an ounce of guilt over - there is no way this could ever, ever work. Period. So unpack your baggage on this one - no guilt trip!

Nancy, your mother may just be complaining. I have the idea that if she did move in with you and hubby, pretty soon she would be saying that she shouldn't have moved. And again you will be the bad guy. I have the feeling she is where she should be, but she isn't taking advantage of the things offered. She is alienating the other residents, so I wonder if she would soon alienate your husband if she moved in.

It sounds like you have the best arrangement at the moment. Maybe you could just make light of her wanting to move in, telling her that the two of you would fight like cats and dogs. It is better to just visit and talk.

"If you really loved me, you'd let me live with you."

"I do really love you. I also love my husband, and I love peace. ... I see that at crafts tomorrow they are making greeting cards. That sounds like it could be fun. Are you going?"

Respond briefly to show that you have heard her, then change the subject. If she persists, leave. "Mom, I do love you and I am not going to argue with you about this. I'll be back on Friday and I hope you'll be in a mood to talk about something else." (Or end the phone conversation.)

Make it clear that she cannot live with you and furthermore you will not discuss the matter any further.

After reading Rainmom's situation, I feel fortunate to only have to deal with what I have. I like the idea of redirecting from jeannegibbs. I know I have nothing to feel guilty about, but Moms can do that to us so easily. I just wish she would do it to my sibs instead of me! Holidays are always such a rough time of year.

Try reverse psychology on Mom... when she deals you the guilt card, agree with her that yes you're bad for not having her live with you. See what happens :)

Way to go, FF! Just agree with her and undercut the argument!

You do everything you need to do to ensure your health, mental and physical, your marriage, and your peaceful home are protected.

My mother did this. My answers were that we are never home, our cats are a risk for her falls, the stairs are dangerous, and I don't know how to cook for her tastes. We practice our instruments quite loudly and all at the same time. I can't pick her up to move her. My teenagers will play their music and have friends over when they want and it might bother her. It's not going to happen mom. It just is not. This is not an option. I would drive you absolutely crazy and so will my family. The answer is no and will always be no regardless of what you try or threaten.

Only you can allow her to manipulate your emotions. Be aware that's what is happening and don't play into her hands. Rise above it, state your boundaries, and stick to them.

My mother had already started planning how she was going to redecorate my house! After I recovered from a panic attack, I told exactly where than plan was going. It involved a place the sun don't shine.

Hmmm ... FF has an interesting approach. I wonder how that would work?

"Oh Mom, I don't know how a person like you managed to raise such a selfish daughter! I feel bad about it sometimes, but that is just the way I am. I value my comfort and my family's peace so much that I will protect it no matter what. How do you think I got to be so selfish?"

If anyone tries this approach, do let us all know how that goes over!!

Did it. It made my mom very angry that I was sassing back to her. She was supposed to be the dominant controller and I was supposed to be passive and take it. Just make sure you are faster than they are and out of cane and arms' reach.

Has she always been like this? If so, then she's not going to change. What you need are some boundaries that help you detach with love so that pushing your buttons don't work so well.

For one thing, most AL have transportation for people to go to the Doctor. Why can't she do that instead of being so dependent upon you given your totally disabled? Does she not even consider your health problems? If not, that is rather selfish.

One other thing, she just might have some depression. Has she ever been evaluated for depression. Some meds just might make her a happier camper.

I think the fewer words of explanation or defense the better for that will only escalate things. A simple no using the broken record approach of repeating yourself and then exiting or getting off of the phone if she want let it go. If this has been a life long battle of having your own life apart from her, then get some therapy to move past this.

Limit your visits to your mom. When she starts in - tell her she is getting the care she needs that you cannot provide. If she keeps trying to guilt you - leave. Eventually she will get it.

You state that she forgets how to use the phone. Maybe it's age related decline or dementia. Has she always had limited judgment? If not, then I would suspect that she's not able to understand the reality of the matter. In that case, nothing you say will matter to her. Just know that you are doing the right thing and let her think what she will.

If she was thinking clearly, she would understand that a person with a severe back problem, would not be able to provide care for a person with mobility issues in their home. So, I'd just keep saying, "Mom, my doctor says I can't do it. Please accept it and let it go." If she doesn't get that, then that would tell me she has some mental deficiency, because a mother would understand that and not lay on the guilt.

My hair dresser always says "our parents have a map to all the right buttons and they can push them like no one else". His father and his partners adult disabled sister live with them. They also visit his partners mother who has advanced alzimers every week and bring her to their home every holiday. I think he's a good and very wise man - better than me, that's for sure!

You guy's are priceless! Perfect info! Couldn't have said it better myself!

Nothing to add except if you think she presses your buttons NOW, just think how many more she could press if she were with you 24/7.

Just got back from a week living with my parents and dealing with the latest elder crisis. I was going to stay away from the forum for awhile till my elder care burnout subsided but peeked at this thread and got sucked right back in. The whole AC Forum All Star Team hitting em over the fence!

I've been dealing with my Moms life long pity party and as we circle the drain it just gets worse. I've drained my guilt reservoir and turned off the give a d*mn. You just have to.

Hi Windy, Glad you're back. As soon as we get a bit of a break, Boom! Another crises.

Yogagirl, ever feel like a human ping pong ball - batted back and forth? But from what I've read, I think some caregivers might feel more like a football.

I'm glad Windy's back as well. I enjoy his humor and insight. We can always use a few good jokes!

All of you have great suggestions. I did a sit down straight up conversation with her on one of her better days. She was so supportive and understanding, again it made me "feel" guilty for bringing the subject up. Of course the next visit she was right back to wanting to move and could see no reason why not. Definent mental decline. I can't get an MD to say she has dementia since some days she is fine and others not. She is on antidepressants and dementia meds. She wants to move to Elder housing, but I see that as being an additional burden as I'd be back to running her for everything plus needing multiple daily visits to manage meds and meals. Oh well it is what it is. All my sibs keep telling me what a great job I'm doing. Anymore I just tell them how they could help by an occasional phone call, letter or visit. So far that hasn't worked. Except for my older brother. He lives 8 hours away yet manages to call at least weekly and comes to visit several times a year. The younger ones just seem so wrapped up in their own lives. Merry Christmas all!

Jeannegibbs, I have used FF's approach for many years in all kinds of situations - it really works! What you are doing is sort of agreeing with them so that ends the argument, but unless they are very stupid, they will pick up that in fact you don't respect their opinion, in this case or in all cases, enough to care about it. Jane Austen has one of her heroines use this kind of thing in regard to a cousin who seems to think building a country house is akin to designing a palace. 'She said nothing, since his opinions did not deserve the compliment of rational opposition."

rovana, and freqflyer, priceless advice and I love the Jane Austen quote. I will borrow it.

Rovana, which Austen book was that quote from? I've been racking my brain and can't remember anyone building a country house.

BTW, are you a member of the Jane Austen Society of NA?

GardenArtist - I'm not sure - perhaps Emma? I love Jane Austen but am not a member of any Austen society. The thing I've always loved about her is her absolutely wicked sense of humor. People probably thought she was a sweet retiring old lady, until they knew better.

Guess I'll have to reread all Austen's novels as I now need to find the source of that quote! Some of her most famous ones are from Pride & Prejudice.

She does have a wry sense of humor, doesn't she? I also appreciated the way she integrated politics in such a subtle way, but more importantly I think, she addressed the bitter choices of women in a society that saw them only as marriage candidates. No husband = old maid. What an awful thing for women to have to deal with.

I was also fascinated by her insight into people, especially manipulative, and domineering ones. Her novels are excellent character studies.

GardenArtist, yes, Jane Austin writes with subtle humor and irony. Her writing has held up so well. I love her characters, too. They all remind me of people I know. Back then a women over 50 was considered old, though. Not anymore!

What was considered old back then for women? Probably over 30;.

It's silly that women were thought old at 30. What were they supposed to do with the next 60 years of their lives? Funny how doctors didn't even think women over 30 got pregnant. You would think the doctors would know better!

You know, it is really kind of sick that men used to prefer women 16-24, no matter how old the man. I remember the day of seeing middle-aged men chasing after 18 year old girls. I don't see that anymore, thank goodness.

I will add something. If you are even tempted to TRY it, then try it this way: Rent a hotel room for three days, and stay there with her. It should convince you that this is a bad idea. And, if she calls complaining, try just putting the phone down gently on the table. Pick it back up in a few minutes and say, "uh huh" and put it back down. Pick it back up a few minutes later and say, "really?" Put it back down.

It's from Sense and Sensibility