Mom in AL and trying to lay guilt trip on me for not letting her live with my husband and I. Ideas how to respond? - AgingCare.com

Mom in AL and trying to lay guilt trip on me for not letting her live with my husband and I. Ideas how to respond?

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I am totally disabled due to a severe back injury and cannot physically take care of her. Also my husband is a gem but can only tolerate her for short visits. I find myself getting "short" with her, it's like she says things that just really hurt and are irritating. I feel like all I do is run for her. I do all the Dr. appts and keep track and get all of her supplies. I have 3 sibs but all live out of state and only one will call her on a regular bases. She only calls me daily and doesn't seem to be able to call anyone else. "Forgets" how to use the phone. I have taken to hiring a lady from church to take her out once a month for lunch just to give her someone else to interact with. She seems to argue a lot with the other residents. They do a lot of activities at the home. She really has a lot more to do there than what she would living here. I volunteer a couple days a week at the local Office for the Aging and I know she resents the fact that I'm not spending that time with her.

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She has probably played the guilt card all her life. Don't take the guilt card, end the conversation. If she lived with you she would complain about "staring at the four walls."
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"If you really loved me, you'd let me live with you."

"I do really love you. I also love my husband, and I love peace. ... I see that at crafts tomorrow they are making greeting cards. That sounds like it could be fun. Are you going?"

Respond briefly to show that you have heard her, then change the subject. If she persists, leave. "Mom, I do love you and I am not going to argue with you about this. I'll be back on Friday and I hope you'll be in a mood to talk about something else." (Or end the phone conversation.)

Make it clear that she cannot live with you and furthermore you will not discuss the matter any further.
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Try reverse psychology on Mom... when she deals you the guilt card, agree with her that yes you're bad for not having her live with you. See what happens :)
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Please do your best to not feel guilty - especially since you know there's no realistic way you can care for your mother at home. I've had three back surgeries, actually need a fourth. I have permeate nerve damage in one of my legs - walk with a limp and can't stand or walk for too long at a time. My dr says no lifting over ten pounds - ever! I have put off a hysterectomy for a prolapse for two years now but surgeon say I need to have it done within a year now. I have a disabled son at home - 22 yrs old but functions at a two yr old level. I have only two bedrooms on the main floor - hubby's and mine and my sons. There is a "whatever" room in our basement currently serving as a "man cave". Can't have my son in the basement so if mom lived here that would be her space. Mom can't manage stairs beyond two or three and that's with almost total assist. I would be up and down all day for meals, bath rooming/accidents, get me this and get me that...if she fell while hubby was at work 911 would have to come pick her up and actually hubby isn't suspose to do anything strenuous due to a dual heart condition. Mom is well aware of all these things YET she is still mad that I won't let her live with me. This is one I can let roll off my back and feel not even an ounce of guilt over - there is no way this could ever, ever work. Period. So unpack your baggage on this one - no guilt trip!
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Did it. It made my mom very angry that I was sassing back to her. She was supposed to be the dominant controller and I was supposed to be passive and take it. Just make sure you are faster than they are and out of cane and arms' reach.
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Nancy, your mother may just be complaining. I have the idea that if she did move in with you and hubby, pretty soon she would be saying that she shouldn't have moved. And again you will be the bad guy. I have the feeling she is where she should be, but she isn't taking advantage of the things offered. She is alienating the other residents, so I wonder if she would soon alienate your husband if she moved in.

It sounds like you have the best arrangement at the moment. Maybe you could just make light of her wanting to move in, telling her that the two of you would fight like cats and dogs. It is better to just visit and talk.
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Way to go, FF! Just agree with her and undercut the argument!
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You do everything you need to do to ensure your health, mental and physical, your marriage, and your peaceful home are protected.

My mother did this. My answers were that we are never home, our cats are a risk for her falls, the stairs are dangerous, and I don't know how to cook for her tastes. We practice our instruments quite loudly and all at the same time. I can't pick her up to move her. My teenagers will play their music and have friends over when they want and it might bother her. It's not going to happen mom. It just is not. This is not an option. I would drive you absolutely crazy and so will my family. The answer is no and will always be no regardless of what you try or threaten.

Only you can allow her to manipulate your emotions. Be aware that's what is happening and don't play into her hands. Rise above it, state your boundaries, and stick to them.

My mother had already started planning how she was going to redecorate my house! After I recovered from a panic attack, I told exactly where than plan was going. It involved a place the sun don't shine.
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Hmmm ... FF has an interesting approach. I wonder how that would work?

"Oh Mom, I don't know how a person like you managed to raise such a selfish daughter! I feel bad about it sometimes, but that is just the way I am. I value my comfort and my family's peace so much that I will protect it no matter what. How do you think I got to be so selfish?"

If anyone tries this approach, do let us all know how that goes over!!
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Nothing to add except if you think she presses your buttons NOW, just think how many more she could press if she were with you 24/7.
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