Mom doesn't like living in the ALF and wants to leave; complains of everything. Any ideas?

The more you visit and sympathize, the more she'll be in "pity party" mode. I've had my boot up my narcissistic mother's backside for 15 years when she could still drive and do for herself to get out, meet people, volunteer, drop by the senior centre, but nope ... she even avoided the neighbours.

She's been in a nursing home for two and a half years now and, to this day, she will have nothing to do with anyone (they're beneath her), just lays in bed.

When I was there yesterday she wanted me to wheel her outside and take her for a "walk" ... nope it was windy and cold.

I was headed home to do some outside work around my property. "Can I come with you?" Nope ... we've been through this a million times - she can't sit up or stand, I can't lift her and the NH staff aren't allowed to lift her into a vehicle for insurance reasons.

Her response? "Well, I'll just lay here and wait to die". Sorry toots, I don't buy into your pity party. Her birthday was this month. A few days ago when I visited there was a tea party going on with treats and music to celebrate the month's birthdays. Where was Her Ladyship? In bed waiting, according to her, to die.

You can't help someone who refuses to be helped and just leans on you as the sole source of their entertainment and happiness.

taheger Our feelings of guilt and empathy can be so overwhelming. Sounds like you are taking very good care of her.

Probably, get rid of the Xanax once the Zoloft has kicked in. It may relieve anxiety but used chronically it can aggravate depression and Zoloft, like all the SSRIs, is a much better first line choice for anxiety as well. See if you can line up a wheelchair taxi or van and do some outings with her too, and maybe bring a favorite food and/or favorite grandkid in for some visits.

I showed up in a penguin suit once. It was a big hit! My mom didn't care much for flowers - she preferred pizza and ice cream - but yours might like that, you never know. Mom liked getting her nails done, and eventually we got her into some of the activites - of all things, she got a kick out of an Elvis impersonator and a patriotic music tribute outdoors. Before we got a vehicle converted to take her out to eat every now and then, we actually brought her an entire Thanksgiving dinner including the whole turkey I'd roasted (favorite grandson carved) and they gave us a table up front in a nice conference room for it, and we had a special room for a whole family visit one Christmas before we moved her here when the neat little restaurant that was close enough to just wheel her to was closed.

As you pointed out, it's not that the place is bad, it's that she hates having to be there in the first place. You have to balance empathy for her losses and grief which are totally normal emotions that she should not have to deny, with a little bit of healthy or adaptive denial, at least in terms of getting as much pleasure out of life as still possible.

There are regularly scheduled activities; nice meals; and great care, but mom still says she doesn't like it there. I think she feels "safe" to complain to me. The staff give me different feedback. Mom is upset that she is unable to walk, go to the bathroom, needs a Hoyer lift and requires staff to change her briefs when she soils herself. She is a very private person and always took care of herself until last July. She has endured so many indignities and setbacks since then. I think that if it were me, I would feel the same as she does. The loss of independence is very hard for the human spirit. She is depressed; we have a psychiatric nurse practitioner meeting with her; I would be depressed, too. We cannot change the circumstances; and her dementia makes it more difficult to process the situation in a healthy way. I wish it were different. I go in and visit her; listen; and try to make her feel better. My prayer, though, is that God would take her soon and peacefully. I feel guilty for this...

Taheger, don't despair. Has your mother been checked for depression? Maybe that is why she isn't eating. Its surprising the AL will take her considering she isn't mobile. There are a lot of activities in AL. If it is a nice place and you are comfortable she is getting good care and attention, you might want to give her a little time to adjust. Chances are she will eventually start to participate and make friends. Ask the nurses and aides how she is doing because she will not tell you, if she is anything like my mother. We moved Mom to AL two months ago. All my sister and I hear from her is complaints, whining and even verbal aggression. Yet, when I check with the nurses, they tell me she IS going to dinner, she IS participating and she IS making friends. She saves all the negativity for the family and is a different person to everyone else.

Thanks, all, Yes, the ALF took her even though she is non-ambulatory. They use a Hoyer Lift (which she hates); it is a smaller facility than most so smaller staff/pt ratio. However, if she does not adjust, we will place her in nursing home.

When you visit, check the activities calendar and wheel her down to whatever is going on. Participate to the extent that you can and then return to the day room or wherever you can sit and visit other than her room. Some places have happy hours or ice cream socials and things like that. Help her to learn to participate, just like we teach our children how to play with other kids. Unless she yells and disrupts the activity, she can see that there are things to do outside of her room. That's what we did when mom was in rehab. Gosh there was an Elvis impersonator one night that was so good and so funny. I told her she doesn't have to participate, but she should watch. Maybe if she has a special interest, the social director could hook her up with someone else who shares this interest. Like Bridge games, or knitting circle or something like that. Hopefully she'll find her niche.

A friend advised me to allow time for an elderly person to adjust to new circumstances. Two weeks is not enough time. Just be as cheerful and supportive as you can. I don't think any of us can really make another person happy.

We got mom some Xanax to relieve her anxiety, it did help for a while, then the MD added in Zoloft. Actually I am surprised the ALF took your mom, they want residents to be able to get to dinner. My only advice is to keep your visits pleasant. When she goes on a hunger strike in your presence, she is trying to punish you. So you avoid visiting during meals. You avoid visiting when there are activities she should participate in. Mom did all she could to make us sad, and two siblings took the bait. Then one day they showed up unannounced and caught her having fun with other residents. Busted.