Mom doesn't like living in the ALF and wants to leave; complains of everything. Any ideas?

When my mom first moved to AL, one of the toughest things was whee to sit for meals. People had established dining companions and she was the newbie. It was like being a new kid in school, adult mode. Fortunately her next door neighbor was new also and they sat together. It took a few weeks but she gradually met another lovely woman and they formed their own table group. By the time both ladies had moved to other facilities, she knew enough people to easily join another table.

The is so much new stuff to get used to, in addition to the major life changes to be dealt with. I saw a huge difference in my mom once she became one of the familiar faces.

Linda22-follow-up comments. Yes, being the new person at a dining table does feel like the new kid in school. Forming new relationships is even more difficult for elders who have hearing loss, vision loss and/or other health issues; they all have something. Recently, my mother had a bad cold virus and ate meals in her room for at least a week. I joined her table the first morning she went back to breakfast. Both of us were touched by the sincere pleasure of her table companions to see her again.My mother told me later that she really had made some friends.

Don't stop visiting! The one thing you will rely on is having th staff care about your parent. which by and large unlss she has an oversized vibrant, funny personality -- means that they need to see that the residents child ( YOU) cares. So when you visit always be friendly to management an her indiviual med techs and nurses. Take hr out as often s you can. You wouldn't want to be trapped in your house night and day and night and day. My mother schedule looks like a cruise ship for sure. Don;t be decieived. Half the stuff never happens for one reason or another, by the way, My mother is a vey poitive person but this is her third year and she is starting to show all the signs of claustrophobia.

Wow. It's so good to know how similar everyone's experience is to mine. Telling my mom she couldn't go home after her last fall was so tough. We have reversed the parent child roles in so many ways. It's been three months in her ALF and it hasn't been easy. She calls my brother and I several times a day. The complaints are endless. I try just to listen and not respond to everything or fix them, unless they legitimately need fixing. It takes a while to learn how to do this, but I'm glad I did - otherwise it's too emotionally exhausting. Like one of the responses above, despite all the complaining, she smiles and talks to everyone and knows them by name. So it can't be all bad.

Sympathetic, that's the difference! Your mom was part of the solution. My mom - and maybe Ashlynne's mom - not only do nothing to help their cause, but actually hurt their cause by consciously or unconsciously making everyone around them unhappy as well. I will not abandon my mom. But I will set up boundaries that allow me to maintain a semi-normal life and not go down a bad road myself in the process. If that makes me uncaring, guilty as charged! :)

teacake, I regularly asked staff how my mom was doing. While she was laying it on with me how awful it was, they were telling me how she was at all activities. I also slipped in during the day when I knew she'd be in the courtyard, visiting, and observed. She'd be smiling and engaged, then I'd walk out and get the "sucked a lemon" face. One staffer actually told me that she sees this regularly with daughters, that the mom really lays on the guilt while the daughter is there.

I quickly realized that she didn't want to solve the problem but just kvetch about it. Also, I found that when she said she didn't eat much because it just didn't appeal to her, when I prodded her, she'd gradually tell me what she ate. Just a little cup of soup was accompanied by fruit, a little dish of yogurt.

I agree with all of you: That's my mother too. She dumps negativity, guilt and anger over being old on us but puts on a sweet, nice face for everyone else. If Mom doesn't eat much, its because she has always been slightly anorexic and old people don't need a lot of food anyway. Mom is skinny but healthier than sis and me. If she is hungry, she will eat and she will eat what is served, or go down and ask for something else. If she doesn't eat and passes out from hunger they will send her to the hospital and put in an IV and do what needs to be done. I can't be there every minute, and I'm not going to keep shopping for her and stocking her refrigerator with junk food. Its time for her to get with the program and will do it quicker if we don't cater to her. We are paying a fortune for AL to take care of her and it seems she is ok without us but she doesn't want us to know that.

When my dad was alive, my mom relied on him to fix everything. When he died, she relied on us to come and "fix" things. When went to IL, we realized quickly that we'd be spending a whole bunch of money for naught if we couldn't teach mom to ask the staff for help when she needed it. It took months, and she would still call us "oh my God, there are ants in my kitchen, get me ant traps". No mom, call the desk. "Oh, they won't know what to do". Call the desk mom. She'd finally do it.

Very helpful responses! Yes, my mom complains to me and puts on the sour face, but when staff or my son visited her from London during Easter, she was bright and cheerful. She complains only to me, her daughter!! I guess this is normal.