My Mom has been in assisted living about 3 weeks now and is adjusting pretty well but my brother consistently visits. Any advice?

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Not thrilled to be there, but not asking to go home either. My brother whom she lived with is there EVERY DAY. Which all the rest of us thing is not healhy for anyone. The nurse called to make me aware of this. I asked if he was interfering with her doing activities. She said no but indicated it was not the best idea. He is saying he want to take her on long day trips and weekend trips?? Denial? yes, poor judgement even bigger yes. This is his problem not mom's. I am MPOA and any outing must be approved by me..
Not going over so well with all the family members. there will be a hug celebration at a brother's house 2 2/2 hours away, then they thought she could spend the night and are annoyed w me and questioning my decision. I have the support of the nurse and a brother in Balto., It was agreed if she spent the night she would come back and have to adjust all over again. She actually chimed it it would be confusing and she wanted to be "home" at night.. I have told them all putting mom in a situation with at least thirty members including lots of running screaming kids with be detimental to her. She has difficulty in a restaurant and gets overstimulated. I think they want her to be there and feel like nothing has changed, but everything has changed. They think I am being unreasonable and negative. We will go through this same battle at christmas, where I am the bad guy. Any other "bad guy" MPOAs ou there that can relate?

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We used to take my mom on outings a lot - there are some pluses in brother wanting to be so involved! But, that said those were day trips, and overnights might not be as well-advised. Daily visits versus a few times a week or even less are individual choices too; I had to cut back from daily just so I would not be yelled at every visit; if I was just going to keep coming back daily no matter how I was treated, it was a cinch that I would not be treated well..and nevermind how that made me feel, but Mom would then be more upset and distressed that I could not ever accomplish exactly what she wanted or expected. And even then I had to keep it brief except for days when they had special events so she would not start in with loads of criticisms and inappropriate requests. But if that is not the sort of thing that is happening, you might want to just let brother visit ad lib.

If having Mom at the celebration is emotionally important enough, maybe have someone designated to bring her, maybe just around meal time for an hour or so, and then go back. And if that is not practical, have a smaller group bring her back things from the celebration as a way of bringing the party to her - we did special meals for holidays that way for my mom and made some good memories that way too.
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Ask your brother to imagine that he has 3 houses. each looks vaguely familiar, but none looks quite like home. Every morning he wakes up and wonders where he is, where the bathroom is, and who is living with him. That is what it is like, or soon will be like for his mom. Your mother may seem "fine" when she gets to breakfast but soon it will take its toll and she will not feel "at home" anywhere. I know from caring for my mom.
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Self, you are totally right. Put it in writing to the facility that she is not to leave. Brother needs a reality check!!
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It sounds like most of the family is not well versed on the symptoms of dementia. They should learn that decisions have to be made based on what's best for mom and not them. Getting out of traditions, may be difficult, but it's usually necessary. She is not likely to be able to accomodate the same holiday schedule. Noises and lots of people often confuse and startle them. They often tire easily and it's not the same person you recall for all these years. They need to understand things must change. Perhaps a brochure on the subject, a link for a site or even a letter from her doctor might get their attention.

Who is her Power of attorney? That person should make the decisions about her visitors and off site visits. If your brother is that person, then he needs to step up and put her needs first and not his own desires. I think I might ask to discuss it with brother and director or someone he will listen to.

I have read about people taking dementia patients on short day trips away from a facility, but I haven't heard of any overnight trips that have positive outcomes. It disrupts their schedule and may confuse them. PLUS, you mom says she wants to be there at bedtime. That is very reasonable. I would honor her request, even if I had to make other family member upset.

If your brother would meet with some of the staff at the facility, perhaps they could explain how well residents do when they are given a few days with their own time and interaction.

I have a friend who's doctor told her to stop going to rest home every day. Doctor told her it's not healthy. She listened.
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When I moved my Grandmother from my house to an assisted living community, I too went to see her every day. I felt a sense of duty, loyalty, guilt I suppose. It was killing me and I didn't realize it until my wife stepped in. She helped me to see what I was doing to myself and gave me "permission" to back off the every day schedule I self imposed. After that, I felt better, wasn't as crabby and my Grandmother did just fine.
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