Mom in AL called today saying something was wrong, I instructed her to use call button, she got angry and hung up. Why do I feel so guilty?

You appear to think that you have to fix everything for her, you do not. She is safe, she has a roof over her head, food on the table, her mind is broken, she like so many today have lived too long, yes, they are breathing, yes they can place their feet on the ground, but they are no longer here mentally.

You most likely suffer from FOG...Fear=Obligation which leads to Guilt. Read up on it. Guilt is an emotion that we create ourselves, we use it as a crutch, it keeps us stuck.

When she calls at night, do not answer, if you don't have the strength to not answer, block her for the night. If there is something wrong, the home will call you. Good Luck.

You have chosen to think that you are without limitations, or to not recognize your human limitations, and have chosen to believe that you can "fix everything". Not everything can be fixed. Your continuing to try will harm your loved one in letting them think that you have "the answer" or that you should. You are defining yourself to your Mom. Your response was the correct one. Don't expect people to respond to your response in a predictable way. If Mom has got used to using you as Mrs. Fixit she will continue to try. If you are trying out for Sainthood do understand that the job description ends with your being shot full of arrows and spending eternity trying to do fixit for everyone who prays to you. It will take time to train yourself away from what has been many years of training to act and react in this way, but you can do it.
When Mom is upset tell her that you are dreadfully sorry she is so unhappy, and that you will return or will speak to her again when she is feeling better. Now that will be the start of a real training program! Good luck. Everyone here knows how hard it is. There's not a simple thing about it. Hugs.

You will never get her to understand your position. She can no longer reason. The call button for my Mom was a mute point. Her short term was too bad for her to remember to use it.

You know when I felt guilty, when Mom lived with me. I live in a split level. She had the bottom level where there was a full bath with a shower and easy excess out the back. Problem: my main floor was the living room and dine in kitchen area only. Stairs going down to her room and stairs going up to our rooms. Mom was unstable on steps so she stayed in her room most of the day. Daycare helped get her out and then an AL. Best thing I did. The building was one big square she was able to walk around all day long. Couches and chairs every so often to sit.

Does she really need a phone? She should be relying on staff. Next time just say OK Mom I'll get someone to help. Then call the AL and ask if they could check on Mom. Mom is paying big time to live in this AL, use them. Mom is in a safe place. You now can enjoy ur life. Do ur brothers feel guilty, NO. Either did mine. I am assuming the 4 yr old is a grandchild, enjoy him/her. They are only small for so long. Mom has lived her life. My daughter, RN, worked in rehab/LTC and says "they are living passed their expiration date". Mom will eventually adjust. Better getting her in an AL early instead of later. And yes, you are now dealing with another 4 yr old. They become selfcentered. No empathy, they have lost that ability. So, just treat her like you would a young child. No long excuses.

Your mother has dementia. She no longer remembers stuff like "push the button".

In situations like this, I would call the nursing station and tell them that my mother needed help.

Let it go.