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She has thrown things, accused staff of abuse and hates me, her daughter, for putting her there. My mom, 92, fell and was placed in the hospital for 5 days. she had fractured her back, which is in bad shape and has been for years, had kyphoplasty and then released to a occupational therapy facility. She was there 2 weeks. The doctor and nurses would say one day she could go home, the next day they would say no, she needs to go to ALF or home with someone to care for her. Backed into a corner, mom was placed in an ALF that did not fit her at all. I recently moved her to a ALF home with 5 other ladies. Mom has sundowner and dementia. Thought this place would help her since she would be surrounded by people all day. She hates it there and cries for me to take her out of there. She thinks they are holding her as prisoner. she calls all the other ladies stupid and disrupts the day with her lashing out. She also lashes out on me and tells me to take her out and shoot her in the head. I am a bad daughter or she is a bad mother to bring up 6 children and no one will take her in. I have seriously considered taking her in but fear of a mistake. This would be her 3rd move. Each time, I have to pay movers to help and both facilities have requested a non refundable security deposit of $1500. This is getting out of hand and cannot afford to make the mistake of moving mom only to find out this will not work. I don't know what to do and I am reaching out to others for help. FYI - If mom moved in with me I need to add a stair lift and a few grab bars. I would have hospice come in when that time was needed. Also looking at a Elder Care place for mom to stay at during the day so she could be around people her age and to give me a break. As far as siblings go, they are not much help. All but one live far away. The one close by goes on so many vacations I rarely see him. So I am out her dangly and going mad! Please help

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howie67 - I can not recommend taking your mother to see a geriatric psychitrist enough! We had to place my mother in a nursing home. Moms anger, attitude and behavior was bad prior to placement but after she became an out of hand nightmare. I was able to get moms PCP to make the referral and got mom to go by telling her there we new drugs available to help with her memory and she would be evaluated for that - a small therapeutic fib. Once seen by the Psy moms medications were overhauled and within about four to six weeks mom became 1000x easier to deal with. And - it's important to note that mom was not medicated into a zombie like state. Mom just became more of her old self n
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WHOA .. was that Freudian?? Gee we need an edit function! I'm 71 and I have DIABETES ... not dementia (I think).
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Mom doesn't much like the body she lives in. And who could blame her with a broken back? I get pretty disgusted sometimes with my body's betrayal and I'm only 71 with dementia and arthritis. Most of us can cope with aging with occasional grumbling and outbursts. Your mom is beyond that. Medications may make it easier for her.

But since she has to live in her body no matter where it resides, I don't expect that she will settle down once she is in a suitable home. The anger and distress will still be there. For this reason I'd caution you against bringing her into your home, unless you could also arrange for her to be 65 again.

This is so sad. It isn't your mother's fault. Continue to love her and do what you can for her. Get her medical help. Just try not to make sacrifices that will cost you dearly and won't really solve her problems anyway.

I heartily endorse what Babalou and JessieBelle have said.

And please keep in touch here. We care!
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howie, your home is not set up for elder care, so I wouldn't consider it. Plus, your mother would disrupt life for the rest of the family, who have the right to enjoy their lives. The anger would continue, because it is caused by something inside her and not what other people are doing. People who get old and angry often feel that if other people would only leave them alone, or if other people would only act right, then everything would be okay. The trouble is that there is no way of acting that would be considered right. You would just drive yourself crazy.

You are a wonderful daughter. I can tell that from all that you have done for her. The geriatric psychiatrist is a very good starting point. There could be some medications that help calm the anger she is feeling inside. Something else I wondered is how often you're visiting. If you're visiting a lot, you may want to try to cut back on it to help your mother adjust to her new home. You can call to see how things are going.

I do like Babalou's idea of short-term inpatient care to stabilize her on medications. It may make life more enjoyable for everyone if they can find the right balance. I know you're probably feeling like you're doing things wrong, but you're doing everything right. I do believe you would regret it if you moved her into your home with her being so angry.

If you get a chance, google some of the Teepa Snow videos. There are a few on how to deal with anger in people with dementia. Her calming methods are very natural and helpful, IMO.
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Do NOT be guilted by her into taking her in. Your life will be miserable. I echo the recommendations to get her to see a geriatic psychiatrist to get her something that will calm her down so she will tolerate living in a facility.
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Her living arrangement is not the problem. Her damaged brain is the problem. Stay strong. You are doing the right thing by putting your efforts into getting your mom to be seen by a geriatrician and geriatric psychiatrist and on the right medications. You are a good son whose doing what is right and best for your mom.
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You might want to check with her insurance for inpatient "senior behavioral hospital". This is an inpatient psychiatric placement (short term) where they get her stabilized on meds
This might be the best placement short term if she is resisting meds.

This is so very hard.
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howie67, If indeed your mother has dementia, then it'll only get worse and she'll eventually need to be in a place that will stop her from leaving. Someone needs to diagnose FOR SURE she has dementia, so they can get her on meds for that. The more times you move a person with dementia/Alzheimer's, the harder it is on their brain. She will hate ANY place you take her that's not home. Might as well figure on that. Sorry. 😞
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I have an appointment with her general doctor next week (the delay for this is a whole other story). I will be asking for a referral to a specialist such as geriatric psychiatrist. I must have a referral within her network for insurance coverage. She did end up in ER last Sunday. Medically she is sound but they did get her on a antidepressant med to clam her down. Some days she will take it, other days she throws her medication across the room. I am working close with the staff to get mom on track. I know she wants go back to her own place but the cost for care for anyone to come in is unbelievable......she does not have long term care insurance. I pray to God for his guidance. I appreciate your response and help.
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I expect that she will probably hate your home and continue to have temper tantrums if you move her there, in fact she will probably hate any move you make. She wants her own home, she wants her independence, she wants to feel in control and whole again, but she is broken in body and mind and it just can't happen. What do the staff at the AL have to say, do they have any recommendations that may help her settle in? She should probably be seen by a gerontologist or geriatric psychiatrist to try to find medications that can help stabilize her moods and help her feel happier.
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