Mom has vascular dementia, moved her in to AL on 4/11/21. Am I doing the right thing by not answering her calls?

My Mom was in the last stages of her Dementia when I placed her. We told her she was going to a nice apartment and meeting new people. She adjusted well.

I see no problem in giving her a call in the morning and maybe one in the evening so she doesn't feel abandoned. My answer to her coming home question would be determined where her Dementia is. Do you feel you can say "Mom, this is your new home. You have so much more to do here. People to eat dinner with. New friends. Activities and entertainment" or a little white lie as suggested.

Yes she needs time to adjust. When u start visits, don't stay long. The word "home should not be mentioned even saying "well I am heading home" My daughter always said to Mom she was going to work. Satisfied Mom. Let the aides do the work.

The phone. This was one of the first things my Mom forgot how to use. She never got the nack of a cell phone even the simplest ones. So having one in the AL was not even a consideration. If she had one, though, phone calls 10x a day would not have happened. I would have eventually just let them go to VM. Calling her back if the message was important.

My mom has vascular dementia as well. It was really hard putting her in MC last August during the lock downs of the COIVD. My mom was unsafe because she thought she was fine to drive still. She suffers from delusions and hallucinations too. When her mind thinks she's done something or seen someone, there's no convincing her otherwise. I'm sure you are going throug some grief as well. It's hard to keep an eye on your LO, then nothing. I also grieved for my mom too. She'll never be the same. Yes, calling 10 times is too much. Don't feel guilty not calling. The main nurse will call if there's a true emergency. My mom suffers from sundowners. I always talk to her around that time to settle her mind. Otherwise, she panics thinking she needs to go home and fix dinner for my deceased dad and us kids who are 50 and older. Mornings are always good because they are more lucid. However, evenings are most lonely for them since activities of the day are done. That would be a good time to check in. It always helped me sleep better too. You can always call the nurse on duty to check how your mom is doing as well. Now that most places take visitors, I can now go sit with her some evening as get her through the sundowners. It's tough stuff and I wish the best for you and your mom.

You are doing the right thing by transitioning her into AL and by not currently answering any or most of her calls. In the future when she asks "when" can she go home, you can tell her a semi-truth: it will be when her doctor approves it because she can do all her ADLs on her own. This is what we tell my MIL and it usually "satisfies" her.

It may be helpful to have a few planned visits with her when her AL is having some event or craft or function and you can go to these with her. I find that doing things there will her force her to go out and be engaged with other people, which would be good for her, but also you must have tempered expectations that she may not do any of it when you're not there. My MIL eventually decided to never get out of bed again, even though she could, and now she physically can't. She's in LTC and really didn't need to be so soon. Such a shame because even with some dementia and memory loss she is a sweet and light-hearted person and the staff loves her.

Sad as it is to not be able to do for mom what SHE wanted, if she wasn't accepting of in home help, and she was probably burning you out--you did the right thing.

Guilt is for someone who did something wrong, which you didn't do. You did what was necessary-and there will be an adjustment period.

Cut back to as many phone calls as YOU can handle--likely mom is unaware that she has overstepped bounds with that.

The RN has a lot more experience with this than you have had--let her lead you into this new 'norm'.