Well Blondie, you don’t give us very much information but since you posted under dementia I’ll assume your problem may be that you are expecting someone with a broken brain to respond as someone without this illness might.
When someone’s behavior changes suddenly it’s always best to check for a UTI. The UTI can manifest in ways that appear to be increased dementia which is caused by a bacterial infection. The correct antibiotic can clear this up. So have her checked for a UTI.
Lying is usually confabulation, a symptom of mental illness. Read this to see how it can affect her or just google the word confabulation.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confabulation
The one thing you can count on with dementia is that it will progress. Her behavior will change. Today it is this, tomorrow it will be something else.
Look at Teepa Snow videos on YouTube and notice the similarities to your mom. Notice how she uses gentle persuasion with folks with dementia.
Your mom will not be convinced she is lying or stealing. Her broken brain won’t allow it. There is no intention of deception. You can do a search on this site for confabulation or lying and you will see that many posters go through this same issue with their loved ones. You are not alone.
The only thing to add is that there are times when the relationship with these loved ones is not so great and Teepa's wonder way and sometime touch...physically or verbally...doesn't work for all of the duos of afflicted and caregiver. This scenario rings true for me because mom "takes" things that aren't hers like other people's shoes (i.e. here in the house), or clothes, obviously clueless of whose is whose. In the beginning she was totally obsessed with making the fridge warmer and sharp enough if someone said something to say it was because Dad did not like his orange juice cold. Which also was a lie.
My Husband started to do the same thing. I would "frisk" him before we left a store and would remove items from his pockets. If I found something after we got home I often would return the item or pay for it if it was a food items when I went back to the store the next day. One time I even asked to talk to the store manager since my Husband had removed tags from a garment. I explained the situation and they were very understanding in every case. If it is theft of item from another household member they need to understand that this will probably continue for a while and any items that are not locked up or put away where they are not likely to be found are "fair game" for her "shopping" Lying. You can not argue so don't even start. She does not understand the concept of a "lie" because it is her truth. One of the reasons a person is declared incompetent is they do not understand "normal" concepts. Lying, telling the truth, stealing, ownership are all part of that.
And so it begins!! Yes you got some great advice. And yes it can be UTI among other things. It also can be a person with Alz/dementia for whatever reason people with this horrible disease start lying and stealing. Why? Because their brains just don't work like they use to or should! It can be very frustrating to say in the least. I wish you would give us more details to help you. This is a great place to get answers and support; moreover, just reading other people's posts can help you by realize you are not alone and others have gone through what you are going through.
If she has been diagnosed with dementia, or even if she is exhibiting other more obvious confusion/forgetfulness, she is most likely unable to lie or steal.
She is telling you what is her truth, and picking up what she is seeing as her things.
Confronting her will not change her perceptions, and will frustrate you, and will make you both unhappy.
If she hasn’t had a recent physical, arrange for one, including bloodwork and urinalysis, and ass a note to the receptionist to request the doctor screen her for cognitive changes.
Tough to observe in someone you know has behaved very differently in the past. Hope you can get the answers you need soon.
Ditto to getting her checked for a UTI to discount this very common problem. A UTI can intensify dementia symptoms or create dementia-like symptoms in someone who doesn't have dementia. If you have any trouble getting her in to see the doc for this, you can tell her a "therapeutic fib" that Medicare now requires an annual physical. While there discretely pass the doc or staff a pre-written note that she needs a UTI test and cognitive exam. I did this with my MIL. The docs are happy to do this in this way.
I took my mother to my in laws old house. My mother in law has just past away and they are cleaning out the house and selling it. There was a jewelry box on the table with jewelry in it on the Will she has written. I told my mother not to touch it as it is willed to the granddaughters. My brother in law called the next day and said he went to the house to pick up the box and it was empty. I asked my mother twice if she even opened the box which she denied. I then described the jewelry and still she said she never saw it. My daughter came home and when she was talking to my mother I went and looked in her pocketbook and all the jewelry was there. I took it and hid it two days ago and she has still not said a word to me yet
She probably has no memory of putting the stuff in her purse. She probably saw it sitting out, thought "that's not safe to leave that sitting out, I'm going to put it somewhere safe" and then completely forgot. If you found it and took it and she never mentions it, then you will know that she has no memory of it. That is very common in people with dementia.
blondie - my Alz. mother also steals and hides things, too. Anything pretty, sparkles, pretty color pencils from my kids, knickknacks, etc. will not escape her sticky fingers. Before we knew she had a problem, she had swiped a (fake) diamond necklace, and a bottle of perfume (a tester) from a large department store and put them in her purse. We discovered them after we left the store. When asked, she said those were hers all along. In her mind, that's what she believes. There is no arguing with a demented mind.
So now, she no longer carries a purse anywhere. We check her pockets when we're out shopping with her, and we watch her like a hawk.
For your mother, most likely, she has forgotten about the jewelry she took.
My mother does the same thing. I go in her room and search it from top to bottom. I always find what she’s taken. I don’t why she does it she always says “I didn’t do it” they just don’t understand what they’re doing it’s like living with a child.
I also check my Mom's room (she has dementia) as she takes things that I forget to hide. Anything important I hide in high places since she can't reach.
I also have to hide her mail because it may be a bill in her name and she will take that (seeing her name) but I pay her bills since my Mom is not capable of that plus I have POA of financial and medical.
Look up Natalie Edmonds’ “Why do People With Dementia Lie” on YouTube. This was eye opening and madd me realize that my mom has been failing long before diagnosis and why she had been lying for years. She was also in denial about EVERYTHING, including her CHF/dementia. She’d shut down and not discuss anything with me.
I also found the Roslyn Carter Institute webinars for caregivers very helpful.
Your mom may believe that those things she is stealing are in fact hers. This often happened when I worked in memory care. Sometimes it's just the loss of impulse control: "It's pretty and I want it so I'll take it." Although there might be some degree of deceptiveness involved, there may be more forgetfulness than deception.
It's interesting that what you said in your first sentence happens, because there are others who insist that their possessions (such as clothes) aren't actually their own. My mother went through the latter with her father--she didn't know what he was going to wear because most of his clothes "weren't his"!
What a strange thing dementia is, and how it affects one's perception!
Very interesting my mother was doing this a long time ago I would find things in her drawers that weren’t hers but ours. Ask her oh she never did that. And now she is not able to get up or walk, but still lies to me even if I see her doing it, like don’t feed the cat your food, she will still do it, I confront her telling her i just saw you, so then she blows a raspberry at me.
This is not the first time mom has been caught going thru our rooms , my desk looking at bills, and now she is doing it to my daughter and grandson that moved in with us. She denies she has been in their rooms when she is the only one that could be. She also calls my sister and tells her lies about us. My sister will call or text me and let me know what she said. A few months ago I took her food shopping and when I went to the same cashier she told me how sorry she was to hear my husband has Cancer! He didn’t! I asked her why she told her that and she said she didn’t! I am having a very hard time accepting her lies.
Has your mother had a neurological exam. She sounds like she is having problems with the executive functions portion of her brain that deal with decision-making and impulse control. Whether they can find a "problem" or not, you need to create a plan to deal with her behavior. Sorry, but you will have to treat her impulsive behavior as you would a young child who doesn't know better. Valuables and important things will need to be locked up. Her stories should be treated as that "stories" and not taken as truth. Seems she will tell stories to keep from getting into "trouble" as young children do and not assume responsibility. Since you have more than one competent adult in the house, you may want to set up a schedule where everybody takes turns as your mom's sitter.
With my mother in law, she's been pretty much like a toddler when it comes to possessions. If she sees it, it's hers. It got to the point where I had to put a key lock door know on our bedroom door to keep her from rummaging around in there and taking things. As the disease has progressed, she's got out of that behavior pretty much.
You hide what's important and accept the fact that people with dementia lie and steal things as it's part of the disease. Please don't expect your Mom to fess up because that's not going to happen.
If a person has cancer is vomiting, losing their hair, etc. from chemo somehow we find a way to deal with that. Dementia is no different with all the behaviors that come with it.
You are correct, but it is exhausting, mentally, to be thinking ahead to prevent problems, and so challenging to find answers to prevent a problem at times. My mom was always OCD about locking up for the night..now she continues but the chip in her brain is so broken that instead of LOCKING our patio door, she UNlocks it. It's a toggle and I have even put labels on to indicate the locked/unlocked position...which she was insulted enough to pull off...and continue UNlocking the door. So I learned about a U (upside down U) sliding lock we can add...now a project on hold not wanting any outsiders in due to the virus.
You can't 'fix' it and she can't stop. It's dementia.
Does she live with you? If so, and she can afford it, planning for a move to a memory care community is a good idea. These behaviors only get worse. The increased activity and structured schedule at a community and the diversions that professional staff know how to do help mitigate the behaviors.
If memory care isn't an option, google Teepa Snow and watch her videos. She'll teach you how to cope.
Be glad she isn't hiding used soiled disposal pads in drawers or elsewhere. I agree. Time to get key(s) and others monitoring her. Would help if you elaborate on her living / residence situation.
I just completed CNA training and we were told that if this occurs in a facility to remove the items from the room of the resident who took them while they are sleeping or not in the room and to put the items back where they belonged. Our teacher said not to confront the resident about the situation but just to quietly take the item back to it's rightful owner. This is not uncommon of people who have dementia. Your mom really might not remember doing it so she might not be lying to you in her mind.
However, it might be better to refer to these behaviors in different terms. Just as I object to people chastising us for using fibs to deal with LOs who have dementia, I don't like referring to these behaviors as lies and stealing.
When we use fibs with those who have dementia, it is to assuage a LO or to keep them calm. Some people refer to them as lies, but to me lies are told to hurt others and/or to cover your own butt. The fibs we use are NOT done to hurt anyone.
When those with dementia "appropriate" items, whether from in the home, from other family members, from stores, or from other residents, they are NOT stealing, not in the true sense of stealing. It would be no different than a toddler picking up an item they see/like, whether they find it in your home, another's home, a store. They don't have the concept at that stage of stealing.
If/when you confront them about it, they are not lying to cover their butt. To them they have done nothing wrong and might not even recall how they got it, how long they've had it or where it came from. To them, it is here, so it has always been here and belongs to me. Confronting them will only lead to anger and frustration, so it is best to avoid that.
This happens often in mom's MC place. Sometimes she misplaces her own things, but often others will see something, like it or just want it and take it. Sometimes the items come back, if staff finds it and returns it. Other times, not so much.
The best you can do is limit access to rooms/items that are important. When out shopping or visiting others, you really do have to keep an eye on them. It isn't deliberate stealing and lying, it is just part of the process sometimes and we have to learn to deal with it and cope as best we can. If they have taken something and you find it, take it back, preferably when they aren't watching you, and find a safe place for it.
When my mom was in the 'middle' stage of Alz. she decided that she owned the house next door to us. When I would take her for a walk outside she would try to drag me over to their front door and start pulling on it to get in....sometimes they had not locked their door and I would have to physically block her from entering the house. I explained this to them and for the most part they were pretty good-natured about mom's problems but there were times when my dad would take her out (and not watch her closely) and she would get into their house and get upset at them for being in 'her' house. As she got worse this behavior lessened until she no longer knew where she was. I think the others posting are correct in that you cannot reason with a broken mind, just try to keep a sense of humor because some things they do are funny.
So sorry that you are struggling with this.
When someone’s behavior changes suddenly it’s always best to check for a UTI. The UTI can manifest in ways that appear to be increased dementia which is caused by a bacterial infection. The correct antibiotic can clear this up. So have her checked for a UTI.
Lying is usually confabulation, a symptom of mental illness.
Read this to see how it can affect her or just google the word confabulation.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confabulation
The one thing you can count on with dementia is that it will progress. Her behavior will change. Today it is this, tomorrow it will be something else.
Look at Teepa Snow videos on YouTube and notice the similarities to your mom. Notice how she uses gentle persuasion with folks with dementia.
Your mom will not be convinced she is lying or stealing. Her broken brain won’t allow it. There is no intention of deception. You can do a search on this site for confabulation or lying and you will see that many posters go through this same issue with their loved ones. You are not alone.
I would "frisk" him before we left a store and would remove items from his pockets. If I found something after we got home I often would return the item or pay for it if it was a food items when I went back to the store the next day. One time I even asked to talk to the store manager since my Husband had removed tags from a garment. I explained the situation and they were very understanding in every case.
If it is theft of item from another household member they need to understand that this will probably continue for a while and any items that are not locked up or put away where they are not likely to be found are "fair game" for her "shopping"
Lying. You can not argue so don't even start.
She does not understand the concept of a "lie" because it is her truth.
One of the reasons a person is declared incompetent is they do not understand "normal" concepts. Lying, telling the truth, stealing, ownership are all part of that.
I am truly sorry that you are going through this.
She is telling you what is her truth, and picking up what she is seeing as her things.
Confronting her will not change her perceptions, and will frustrate you, and will make you both unhappy.
If she hasn’t had a recent physical, arrange for one, including bloodwork and urinalysis, and ass a note to the receptionist to request the doctor screen her for cognitive changes.
Tough to observe in someone you know has behaved very differently in the past. Hope you can get the answers you need soon.
You know the truth and you know she's stealing. Facts are facts and no need for her to admit anything.
Where is she stealing things from? Stores? Or from family members in the house, etc?
So now, she no longer carries a purse anywhere. We check her pockets when we're out shopping with her, and we watch her like a hawk.
For your mother, most likely, she has forgotten about the jewelry she took.
I would have never guess that stealing and lying was so common with people who have Alz/dementia!! It's just insane!🐾
I also have to hide her mail because it may be a bill in her name and she will take that (seeing her name) but I pay her bills since my Mom is not capable of that plus I have POA of financial and medical.
I also found the Roslyn Carter Institute webinars for caregivers very helpful.
thanks for this tip. I’m very familiar with confabulation but this explanation is so detailed. Excellent video.
What a strange thing dementia is, and how it affects one's perception!
As the disease has progressed, she's got out of that behavior pretty much.
If a person has cancer is vomiting, losing their hair, etc. from chemo somehow we find a way to deal with that. Dementia is no different with all the behaviors that come with it.
Does she live with you? If so, and she can afford it, planning for a move to a memory care community is a good idea. These behaviors only get worse. The increased activity and structured schedule at a community and the diversions that professional staff know how to do help mitigate the behaviors.
If memory care isn't an option, google Teepa Snow and watch her videos. She'll teach you how to cope.
However, it might be better to refer to these behaviors in different terms. Just as I object to people chastising us for using fibs to deal with LOs who have dementia, I don't like referring to these behaviors as lies and stealing.
When we use fibs with those who have dementia, it is to assuage a LO or to keep them calm. Some people refer to them as lies, but to me lies are told to hurt others and/or to cover your own butt. The fibs we use are NOT done to hurt anyone.
When those with dementia "appropriate" items, whether from in the home, from other family members, from stores, or from other residents, they are NOT stealing, not in the true sense of stealing. It would be no different than a toddler picking up an item they see/like, whether they find it in your home, another's home, a store. They don't have the concept at that stage of stealing.
If/when you confront them about it, they are not lying to cover their butt. To them they have done nothing wrong and might not even recall how they got it, how long they've had it or where it came from. To them, it is here, so it has always been here and belongs to me. Confronting them will only lead to anger and frustration, so it is best to avoid that.
This happens often in mom's MC place. Sometimes she misplaces her own things, but often others will see something, like it or just want it and take it. Sometimes the items come back, if staff finds it and returns it. Other times, not so much.
The best you can do is limit access to rooms/items that are important. When out shopping or visiting others, you really do have to keep an eye on them. It isn't deliberate stealing and lying, it is just part of the process sometimes and we have to learn to deal with it and cope as best we can. If they have taken something and you find it, take it back, preferably when they aren't watching you, and find a safe place for it.
Here is the link. It’s a very thorough explanation.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qawtq4q9twI