I asked a few questions about a month or so ago and you were all so helpful. I finally met with my mom last week. It took her that long to even meet with me. I let her talk, and was trying to figure out what turned her against me so unexpectedly and horrendously. She told me many things I have done wrong since I was 15, and she kept saying "I am done". I would ask what she meant by that and she would say the same things over again. I finally asked where we go from here toward a healthy relationship, and only then finally figured out that she meant she was done with me.
I have done a lot of idiotic things in my life (ran away at 15, had kids early, etc) and I am not sociable like she is, but I am a good person. No drugs, criminal record, anger issues, whatever. I am always there for her, especially during the last few years. I thought we were close until the abrupt change in her manner. I have a great family, a great almost 20 yr marriage to a good man who is a good provider, father, husband and friend.
Anyway, after a call from my dad yesterday I finally realized what is really going on. They have been divorced for about 30 years and almost never have any contact at all, so he was shocked that she had called him because she was 'worried about me'. He called me, perplexed, and after hearing what he had to say, I figured it out. It is my weight. I am very heavy and after losing 150 lbs I have gained 120 back over the past two years. My parents both feel that appearance and excellence in all you do is vital, so this is an area in which I have clearly disappointed him too. He would never reject me though...
I developed an eating disorder as I grew up (bulemia) and still battle it at times. I am also disabled from bone abcesses throughout my body, and have mild spina bifida and feet with congenital malformations which has led to one ankle being fused. So basically, this sucks and I hurt all the time, and have trouble exercising as much as I need to do. Top this off with the fact that I have a condition where I gain quicker and lose much slower than most people (caused by the bulemia and years of obesity), and her you have a daughter who is an enormous (pun intended) disappointment to her parents.
I have had to adapt to all this stuff and I hate the weight, but it is a constant battle.I hate the disabilities, but these are the cards I was dealt, so I make the best of it. I am who I am, and that's fine as far as I (and my husband and wonderful children) are concerned. I have been in counseling as needed ever since leaving home, and I believe that counseling is an amazing tool. My mom refuses to go to either medical doctors or counselors for any reason whatsoever, so I think I am stuck with her emotional issues being a lifelong problem.
I guess I just needed to vent. I am so very sad. I can see what the issues are and that she is just a bit messed up, yet the little girl in me wants mommy and I just want to stop eating altogether until she 'loves me again'. Pathetic, isn't it?
Thanks for listening. This forum helps me a great deal. :)