My 78 year old mom has dementia as a result of having had Parkinson's disease for the past 16 years. My dad is 81 and was not able to continue to care for her at home, so together we found an excellent memory care facility and moved her in 3 weeks ago. My parents moved 4 hours away from me when they retired 25 years ago. I suggested that my dad move back here to NJ and have mom live at home with him, with full-time in-home care. Then I could come over every day or two and give him a break. He refuses. I call my dad every day to check in, and the calls are heartbreaking. He shares his grief over watching my mom fade away, and he recounts the daily misery of going to visit my mom. My mom is not adjusting well to the facility- she cries, becomes agitated when my dad has to leave, and doesn't let the staff take care of her in terms of bathing, brushing her teeth, or dressing. She constantly asks, "Why did you leave me here? When am I going home?" However, when she lived at home, she did the same thing. She didn't always know where she was, and would often demand to be taken home and has even hit my father several times. I could tell my dad was losing patience with her and was not the best person to provide her care. I try to drive down to visit about once a month, but it's an 8-hour round trip and I have a demanding full-time job for which I commute 2+ hours per day, five days per week. So I can't make the trip more often. The problem is my intense guilt- I can't stand it that she is in a strange place, feeling abandoned, but what can I do?? I cry every day. I'm exhausted, worried, and so so sad. Yesterday I lost it and was sobbing in the lunch room at work. Should I try harder to get my dad to move closer to me, or is that just going to make him feel worse? I know putting her in the home was an agonizing decision for him, and for me too. But I wonder if it was the right decision.